NEWS TOO IMPORTANT TO IGNORE

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE
ANONYMOUS SOURCES SYNDICATE
PRESENT

THE HUSSEIN REPORT
with JAMIL HUSSEIN

Good day Mr. & Mrs. American Infidel and all her ships in the Gulf, let's go to press.



DATELINE- IRAQ: A joint operation between American Crusader Infidels and Iraqi Government Heretics martyred over 260 innocent civilians and captured over 300 more because these simple and innocent people were carrying a lot of weapons and were allegedly plotting to massacre Shi'ite pilgrims. I have it from reliable anonymous sources that though the people were amassing large amounts of weaponry, they were all innocent civilians, and that the evil American Imperialist Crusaders used dragons and their fiery breath to burn them all alive. They then fed every baby in Iraq to the dragons as reward for their innocent civilian killing.

DATELINE- WASHINGTON: Millions of Americans turned out in Washington D.C. to protest the Bush/Halliburton/Zionist war against the peace loving civilians of Al Qaida and Iran. More than 500 million Americans came out to hear such electrifying and articulate speakers like Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. They attempted to storm the Bush Palace at the House of White, but were impaled on the horns of Zionist attack unicorns. Over 400 million American civilians were killed in the ensuing bloodbath.

DATELINE- NEW YORK: Comely Aussie CBS news lassie Lara Logan has come under criticism for appearing to use an Al Qaida propaganda tape and reporting it as a genuine untainted news. Al Qaida is very upset, claiming that she promised to give them full credit for doing all the work for her, but screwed them out of it. Al Qaida is currently debating whether to sue her, or just stone her.

DATELINE- QUEBEC: A small town in Canada has specifically banned immigrants from stoning, beating, or burning their women alive. People born in the town can still do all those thing legally.

BARACK TO THE FUTURE!

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA (D-ILL)

My fellow Americans.

I'd like to thank Vox Poplar for letting me use his blog for this presentation. Though I am a little confused as to why I had to write it in a big steel contraption he calls "The Tube of Truth." But since Hillary's got all the campaign money, I'll stick with what I can afford.

You're probably wondering why me, a first term junior Senator with relatively little political or administrative experience would even consider running for the Democratic Party nomination for President in 2008.

Well, the answer is simple.

The media has commanded me to do it.

And as a Democrat, I must obey the will of the media.

You see, I possess all the superficial qualities the media looks for in a candidate. I'm good looking (in a Barney Fife kinda way), I'm charming, and I'm really good at condensing Democrat talking points into sound-byte size pieces.

I can also sound moderate when, in fact, I'm a flaming leftist.

To the eyes of the Party's friends in the MSM I am political perfection itself.

And to add to that is my complete and utter lack of any real experience in national and international politics. You see, all the Democrats with experience got it during the Clinton administration, which means they've got a lot of bad, excrementally stink baggage with them and I'm not including the documents hidden in Sandy Bergers Fruit of the Looms.


You see, the Democrats are a lot like a sleazy bar on a Friday night. Last call is coming, and all the one's you can see at the bar are old cougars with puffed up hair and overdone make-up to hide the latest herpes flare-up.

I'm the chick at the end of the bar, who, thanks to a combo of distance and intoxication, still looks pretty fresh. And it won't be til the morning after election day, that you realized that you're stuck in bed with the worst most coyote-ugly skank of all, and you can't chew your arm off to get away.


So vote for me.

You'll regret it in the morning, but at least you'll enjoy getting screwed.

Facts VS Truth

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY
CAPTAIN JAMIL HUSSEIN
(Source for the Associated Press)

Boy oh boy.

I appear to have some egg on my face over that whole mosque-burning bodies story. Those pesky right-wing blogger just won't leave me alone.

They just keep hounding me, showing that the mosques I said were burnt down and blown up are still standing, and not finding any of the people I said were burned alive with kerosene.

All right, I'll concede that the events I discussed didn't happen.

But if there's one thing we've learned from Michael Moore it's that the event might be fictional but that doesn't mean it's not true.

You see, the Associated Press is interested in a larger truth. A truth, so.... truthy, it goes beyond mere facts.

I see that too, that's why I don't let myself be bogged down with facts and real events and reach for the real truth of the story.

Sure the events in the 61 Associated Press stories that cite me as a source may or may not have actually happened.

But just because they're not facts, doesn't mean they aren't true.



Especially when it could harm the war effort.


That's the real truth myself and my buddies in the media are really seeking.

-----------------------------

PS: Be sure to check out the FILL IN THE BLANK contest. It's the most fun you can have on the internet without nikked pictures.

Fill in the blank fun.

Here are the rules.

Click on the picture below.

Copy the picture below.

Fill in something funny in the speech balloon.

Post it on your site, or on a photohosting site.

Leave a link to your new image in the comments section.

Winner gets a prize. The prize of being picked funny by me.

Now tell the world what Robert Redford is really saying.

This Plan is Certifiable

A
PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
SENATOR HARRY REID (D-NEV)




My fellow Americans. I'd like to thank Mr. Poplar for letting me place this very special message on his blog. He won't be getting arrested when my new bill becomes law.

Not at first, anyway.

Now there are a few people, right-wing Christian-neo-crypto-fascist types who don't care my proposal to regulate 'grassroots political speech' like blogs.

Look at it from my perspective.

Sure, it's a dramatic repeal of the right to free speech, and it could result in people being sent to prison, but it's all being done for a good cause.

The Democratic Party.

You see, a lot of these blogs are challenging the Mainstream Media, and that's a bad thing because the Mainstream Media is the Democratic Party's friend.

We can't afford having people out there spouting out their ideas and facts and anything else that might damage our chances in 2008.

That's why I'm proposing that all bloggers be registered, and follow strict regulations when it comes to criticizing Democrats Congress or face fines and imprisonment.

There's nothing to worry about here, just the complete elimination of free speech.

But who needs it anyways.

Definitely not Republicans.

So get out there and support my proposal. And you better not be criticizing it just because it's vague, unconstitutional, and criminalizes basic human rights.

Because we're making a list.

And you don't wanna be on that list.




Remember that.

Procreation Is Destiny

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY
BY
SENATOR BARBARA BOXER (D-CA)

My fellow Americans.

There are those among you, right-wing Christian fascists for the most part, who have been critical of my recent comments where I said that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice had no right to make major decisions because she never had children.

All she did was combat racism, sexism and academic elitism to become one of the most powerful women in the history of this country.

That's not the kind of role model we want for our young girls.

Besides, she hasn't had any children. She's as barren as the centre of Antarctica, and hence has no right to make any decisions and express any opinions.

Now if she had a few abortions, she'd be all right, that's her choice.

But she didn't.

And that makes her a terrible, terrible person.

That sexist pig Tony Snow even had the brass ones to call my comment a major step back for feminism.

HOW DARE HE!

I'm a Democrat, I decide what's best for feminism!

Feminism's role in the world is best decided by people like me. Not people like Condoleeza Rice.

She's a Republican.

All she's concerned about is getting women the right to vote, speak, and not be raped and murdered in crappy little loser countries in the Middle East. She won't join us at the barricades to fight the real threat to feminism.

The shortage of female plumbers in the Midwestern States.

That's the greatest threat free women are facing in the world!

And the barren Condoleeza Rice won't do a damn thing about it.

Well, Recuuuuuuussssssseee ME!

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
MIKE NIFONG

Hi.

Now I've come under a lot of criticism for my heavy handed tactics in the Duke University Rape Investigation. Folks are all upset because I violated the Constitution, basic investigatory procedure, common sense and human decency, all to prosecute some boys accused of rape, some with alibis.

Well let me explain why I did all the things I did and maybe you'll understand.

I was trying to win an election.

You see I was up against an opponent that had experience, a solid reputation as a prosecutor, and above all, name recognition.

I was screwed.

Then came the 'exotic dancer' and her story about the Lacrosse team. I swear it had to be a gift from heaven. Here was a story that had sex, violence, racism, and a chance for my predominantly African American electorate to feel that they were getting some sort of societal revenge on 'Rich White Boys.'

How could I pass it up?

Sure the dancer's story changed, pretty much constantly, the only witnesses contradicted her everchanging story, there was no physical evidence, and yeah, there was that whole videotaped on the other side of town thing, but that's all facts. This case was going to get me not only elected District Attorney, but probably take me all the way to Governor.

At least that's what I hoped, until those pesky right-wingers started asking questions. Bringing up the shoddy police work, the jury pool tainting, and the other acts of either incompetence and/or corruption involved, sure I still got re-elected, but I had to drop most of the charges and now I've got to recuse myself from the case. Let somebody else drop this hot potato.

Now you're probably wondering why would I violate the tenets of justice that I've sworn to uphold, slander an entire sports team, and make all future rape prosecutions harder, just to get elected?

Well, I'm a Democrat.

Democrats only want one thing.

Power.

And we will do and say anything to get it.

Now don't go playing all shocked and appalled at what I just said.

You know it's true.

Hell, the Congressional Democrats are playing fast and loose with the lives of millions of people in the Middle East, setting up Iraqis and Israelis for potential genocides, but it's all for the good cause of making George W. Bush look bad and seizing power.

That's all that matters.

No matter how many lives you destroy.

Because Republicans are evil.

2007- What the Future Holds....

PRESENTED BY THE

GREAT ZBORNAK
SEES ALL, TELLS ALL, KNOWS NOTHING

Greetings and a Happy New Year fellow travellers on the astral plane, it is me, the one and only Great Zbornak, seer of the future, teller of fortunes, and predictor of things to come.

I have come to tell you what this new year holds for people in the news. I have peered into my crystal balls and saw what the fates have in store for the world.

BRITNEY SPEARS- Will form a supergroup with gal-pals Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton. The group will be short lived because of a debate over what to call the group. Paris wanted to call it "Her Peace Trio," Lindsey Lohan wanted to call it "Drunk, Trashy & Slutty," and Britney wanted it named "Chix 3 Panties 0." All who see their one live performance call it by another name: 'Crap.'

SEAN PENN- Will grow despondent over the death of friend, mentor and fellow narcissist Saddam Hussein and dedicate his life, and over three hundred and fifty million dollars of Sumner Redstone's Paramount money to write, direct and star in a musical biopic of the recently deceased dictator. The film, called Saddam: The Dictator of Peace & Love, will be one of the biggest bombs of all time.

This leads to Sean Penn running for the Democratic Party nomination on a platform of forcing Americans to watch his movie, and the one made for the Dixie Chicks to fight being 'silenced' by something as silly as the will of the people. He loses after beating up a cameraman trying to film one of his campaign speeches. He promptly blames the loss on the 'Jewish conspiracy' Jimmy Carter told him about and those '*sshole American voters.'

Penn will then go on to his next project, a $300 million biopic called the Glory of Bin Ladin.

THE NEW YORK TIMES- Will continue to run complete wrong stories as long as they fit their anti-American/Israel/Christian mindset.

ASSOCIATED PRESS- Will become the subject of some controversy among blogs when it's revealed that Al-Qaida deputy honcho Ayman Al-Zawahiri was working for them as a 'stringer' covering Afghanistan. The MSM will either ignore the controversy, or accuse the bloggers of being part of a 'Vast Right Wing Neocon Theocrat Jewish Conspiracy.'

THE ISLAMIC WORLD- Will erupt in violent rage leading to thousands of deaths worldwide. Over something. We don't what it will be, neither do they, but boy will it get them mad.

HOLLYWOOD- Will continue to be seen as divorced from the general public and reality when it's revealed that Danny Bonaduce is the only one talking any sense.

JIMMY CARTER- Will continue to do and say things both asinine and anti-Semitic.

That's all for now. I'll see you again soon.....