Well, Recuuuuuuussssssseee ME!



Now I've come under a lot of criticism for my heavy handed tactics in the Duke University Rape Investigation. Folks are all upset because I violated the Constitution, basic investigatory procedure, common sense and human decency, all to prosecute some boys accused of rape, some with alibis.

Well let me explain why I did all the things I did and maybe you'll understand.

I was trying to win an election.

You see I was up against an opponent that had experience, a solid reputation as a prosecutor, and above all, name recognition.

I was screwed.

Then came the 'exotic dancer' and her story about the Lacrosse team. I swear it had to be a gift from heaven. Here was a story that had sex, violence, racism, and a chance for my predominantly African American electorate to feel that they were getting some sort of societal revenge on 'Rich White Boys.'

How could I pass it up?

Sure the dancer's story changed, pretty much constantly, the only witnesses contradicted her everchanging story, there was no physical evidence, and yeah, there was that whole videotaped on the other side of town thing, but that's all facts. This case was going to get me not only elected District Attorney, but probably take me all the way to Governor.

At least that's what I hoped, until those pesky right-wingers started asking questions. Bringing up the shoddy police work, the jury pool
tainting, and the other acts of either incompetence and/or corruption involved, sure I still got re-elected, but I had to drop most of the charges and now I've got to recuse myself from the case. Let somebody else drop this hot potato.

Now you're probably wondering why would I violate the tenets of justice that I've sworn to uphold, slander an entire sports team, and make all future rape prosecutions harder, just to get elected?

Well, I'm a Democrat.

Democrats only want one thing.


And we will do and say anything to get it.

Now don't go playing all shocked and appalled at what I just said.

You know it's true.

Hell, the Congressional Democrats are playing fast and loose with the lives of millions of people in the Middle East, setting up Iraqis and Israelis for potential genocides, but it's all for the good cause of making George W. Bush look bad and seizing power.

That's all that matters.

No matter how many lives you destroy.

Because Republicans are evil.

1 comment:

Wyatt Earp said...

Democrats. Is there anything they won't do?