Popular Mechanics Are Fascist Pigs

An
Excerpt from the
Personal Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell

popular mechanix

are fascists

they are in on it

they dare to attack me

with facts!

how dare they!

don't they know i'm the queen of nice

i'm the queen of The View

America, fashist shit-pile that it is, worships me

they should worship me too

before PRESIDENT HILLARY puts them in Gitmo

in the place of those poor innocent dudes Bushitler locked up


for standing up against his evil democracy

these folks believe me

they look smart

Loose Change, google it.

it's all a conspiracy

the world will know

when barbara's gone

& the view is all mine

See Ya in Syria

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM
REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-Cal)
Speaker of the House

My fellow San Franciscans.

There has been much talk about my recent announcement that I'm planning to visit Syria to engage in unilateral talks with Syrian dictator President Bashar Assad. The crypto-fascists in the White House say I shouldn't go, and that I've 'gone too far.' Well, let me tell them something.

I haven't gone far enough!

Sure my trip to pay a social call to a terrorist freedom fighter supporting fascist peace-lover like Bashar Assad could be viewed as a violation of the constitution and, more specifically, the Logan Act, I don't really care.

And sure, some might call it treason, but I have this to say.

I am a member of the Democratic Party.

To Democrats TREASON IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM!

That's right. We deeply believe that the best thing for America is to coddle, and sometimes openly support its enemies, dump on its allies, and to deny America the capability to defend itself.

Democrats have done it through history. Jay Rockefeller did a tour of the Middle East before the invasion of Iraq, telling anyone who would listen that the invasion was imminent. John Kerry, before he went into the Senate, held his own buddy-buddy chats with the Viet-Cong, and the late great Joe Kennedy Sr. bad-mouthed Britain even though it was only democracy willing to stand up to Adolph Hitler.

And don't get me started on all the Democrats who tried to undermine the Union effort to destroy slavery during the Civil War.

Am I worried about any legal repercussions?

No.

Democrats never go to jail.

That's why we have so many of our minions friends in the US Attorneys office and we won't let Bush fire them.


What do I hope to gain from this?

Well first, I hope to get some pointless gesture of peaceful intent from Assad that my catamites friends in the media will blow up as the greatest achievement in diplomatic history, and I hope to help one of my cronies associates stay out of trouble.

You see the surge in Iraq seems to be working, and the press is working very hard to avoid reporting that, and with everyone bored with Anna Nicole Smith and the poisoned pet food turning into a snoozer there's the danger that the media might forget where their loyalties lie and report Dianne Feinstein and her husband's shenanigans with the Military Construction Appropriations Committee.

We don't want that.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #1

Welcome to a new feature here at my blog. It's called DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK, where we single out people for discovering new depths of disgusting behavior.

Our first candidate is failed teacher/comedian/online talk show host turned cyber-squatter Eliot Stein, who took advantage of the late great columnist Cathy Seipp's recent death to write a supposed 'last post' on his slanderous 'Fake Cathy Seipp' site. In it he slandered not only the late Cathy, someone beloved by friends and fans alike, but also her teenage daughter.

Congratulations Mr. Stein, you are Vox Poplar's first Official

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK

You make me want to hurl.

Tally-ho Tolerant Folks

A Special
View From The Afterlife
Commentary
by
General Sir Charles James Napier

Commander in Chief British Army in India 1849-1851

I would like to start off with a hearty hello to all you folks in the land of the living, and I would also like to thank Vox Poplar for letting an old ghost like me to toss his hat in the proverbial ring.

Pip-pip, tally-ho!

Anyway, let's get to the subject at hand. There is a bit of a political tempest going on among those bloody Germans about a judge who cited the Koran as an excuse to not grant a Muslim woman a speedy divorce from the disgusting brute of a husband who regularly and most violently abused her.

What a load of bloody rot.

And then I hear that police in New Victoria state in Australia are being told to be more 'understanding' and 'tolerant' of cases of familial abuse involving Muslim families. Essentially giving the wife-beating cad a pass in order to not 'fracture the family structure.'

Another load of bloody rot.

I'll have you know that I am currently spinning in my own grave at the sight of such stupidity and moral cowardice in the face of 'cultural traditions.'

Why am I so concerned? you may ask.

The answer is quite simple, I'm a bit of an expert on cross-cultural relations due to my time as commander of Her Majesty's Army in India. During my time I was beset by a crowd of upset Hindu holy men. They were angry that I had banned the practice of the Sati, or the burning of a live widow on her dead husband's funeral pyre.

They declared that it was an ancient tradition and that I had to tolerate it as Her Majesty's Plenipotentiary.

I then explained to them that tolerance was a two way street, and if I was to tolerate their tradition, they had to tolerate our tradition. And that our tradition said that anyone who burned a woman alive had to be hanged by the neck until dead.

Now many may say that I was being a cultural imperialist, stomping around and bullying the poor locals, but allow me to explain.

India has a very ancient and wise culture, however, certain elements of that culture was holding it back from joining the modern world. In fact, these elements were dragging them down leaving their subcontinent and it's massive population open for conquest by a bunch of unwashed, drunken, louts from a soggy rock thousands of miles away. That sort of thing does not happen to healthy countries.

But let me get back on point...

One of these elements was that they refused to recognize that their right to practice their culture ends at their neighbor's or spouse's nose. Spirituality is supposed to bring a person peace, enlightenment and fulfillment, it is not supposed to bring fear, suffering, enslavement, and terror to others.

I could claim that my religion dictates that I must wear a live badger on my head and pelt the people around me with live salmon. Now the wearing of the badger is completely my business, but the salmon pelting would get me tossed into bedlam or jail, and rightly. I have no right to claim my religion as an excuse to do violence on others without expecting and receiving a severe case of just desserts.

The other element was the view of women as property. True, my own people had their own problems on that front, and I could never be called a feminist, or even a suffragette, but I'd be buggered senseless by the Household Cavalry if I let anyone burn a woman alive or treat her as property because they are a member of the fairer sex.

Now we old European imperialists eventually and painfully learned our lessons and worked hard to jettison those same negative elements. It took us a long time, too long really, but we improved, and developed a culture that made the modern world possible.

India too is learning, opening and improving opportunities and rights for women and striking against the negative traditions that kept them out of the modern world for so long.

I think that's bloody marvelous.

Sadly, Europe, once the bastion of individual liberty, is giving up its positive traditions and bringing back old negative ones in the name of 'tolerance.'

That's complete and utter balderdash.

Europe needs to wake up and realize that they are facing the modern world's most intolerant enemy. One who refuses to not only learn from the past, but actively seeks to send the whole world headlong into the Dark Ages.

Is that judge so blinded by what you living folks call 'political correctness' that she can't see that the independent, and secular, rule of law is one of the things that made her world possible, and that without it, none of the comforts and advances she enjoys could exist?

Like I said, complete balderdash and bloody rotten, if you ask me.

Oh well, I shouldn't be worrying about it, being dead and all.

Time to go, I have an appointment for tea with Victoria, and Albert.

Tally-ho!

Rosie O'Donnell: Big Fat Idiot, Google It.

The following is an excerpt from the personal blog of TV loudmouth personality Rosie O'Donnell.

Gulf of Tonkin

google it

all a conspiracy.

same thing with those british sailors arrested by iran

Bush did it

He ordered those marines and sailor from other country

to

go to iran

get captured

tortured

executed

for excuse

to start war

to make israel happy

to steal oil


to kill babies

because dickhead cheney drinks their blood

iran has never hurt anyone

ever!

i'll

be

happy when bushitler impeached

constitution suspended

hillary named president for life

then world will be happy

global warming will end

unicorns will come back

Mother Earth has a fever...

...and it needs more cowbell.

Watch this video and post it on your own blog. We need humour to cut through the hysteria.

This video will not win an Oscar

But it makes a damn good point...

The Truth: Through Rosie Coloured Glasses

An Excerpt From the Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell

-people mad that i accuse american Bush-hitler government of knocking down WTC with the help of the FDNY

-nazi pigs don't know the truth

-it was all a plot to destroy ENRON evidence

-sure they were all convicted and were sentenced to prison, or died, but that doesn't mean squat

-need attention, Trump fight boring everyone now

-need to downplay fascist killers

-need to only believe fascist killer when claiming USA abused them

-need to fuel prejudice against country that made me rich

-need to accuse Bush-hitler of 9/11

-need everyone to understand that columbine was ALL ABOUT ME!

-need doritos

-need hams

-need my own show

-barbra and others are dead wood dragging me down

Defectors, Nukes, & Spartans, Oh my...

The following is an expertly translated excerpt from the personal blog of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

MAHMOUD'S MAD LIBS


MOOD: depressed :(


MUSIC: Sad Songs Say So Much -Elton John

Sheesh.

The past couple of weeks have been the suckiest in the history of sucky stuff.

First, my deputy minister of defense disappears. Some are saying that he was kidnapped by the Israelis, others are saying he defected to the Americans, and nobody seems to know how many wives this guy had.

All we do know is that he's gone, and he took a big bag of everything I don't want anyone to know. I'm talking blueprints of our nuclear labs, names and addresses of our contacts with Hezbollah and Al Qaida, and the wheres and hows behind our terrorist financing scheme.

Also his disappearance coincided with the Russians canceling construction on a nuclear reactor for us because a $25 million check bounced.

Come to think of it, that guy was in charge of making out the checks for that sort of thing.

The bastard!

Man, and just when you think the whole world is plotting against your scheme to destroy the planet in a wave of nuclear fire, Hollywood adds insult to injury by stabbing me in the back!

Yep, that Hollywood. The folks who have been so good in making sure that all stories about terrorism have some Yankee/Corporate/CIA conspiracy behind it, has gone and made a movie that makes Persians look bad.

Yeah, I'm talking about that movie 300.

How dare they portray the ancient Persian empire as a horde of zombie like killers mindlessly hurtling themselves to be slaughtered on the orders of a demented theocrat.

That's modern Iran, not ancient Persia.

And I couldn't even muster that many zombie-killer dudes in the scary masks.

Hell, over 40% of the country doesn't want anything to with me and my Ayatollah buddies, and the rest is too angry at being unemployed, broke, and watching me pissing the country's oil wealth away so we could be on the international shit list.

Maybe I should just go back to bed.

CAPTAIN AMERICA DEAD! ME ANGRY!

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

THE INCREDIBLE

HULK

Captain America dead!

HULK MAD!

HULK SMASH!

But Hulk even madder that Marvel made Cap whiny moral equivalence spouting liberal!

CAP PATRIOT!

CAP NO BLAME AMERICA FOR EVERYTHING LIKE CRYBABY NEW YORK LIBERAL!

HULK MAD!

HULK SMASH!

Patriotism not wrong in time of war!

Real Cap know that!

America not problem!

Fascist dillholes are problem!

HULK SMASH FASCISTS!

Now Hulk got to Duffy's Tavern.


Hulk drink in memory of lost friend and lost idealism.


Hulk get smashed.

You Lefties Are Right About The Movie 300

A SPECIAL HISTORICAL GUEST
COMMENTARY BY
JERXES
Persian Soldier & Veteran of the Battle of Thermopylae

Greetings 21st Century folks. Like the intro says I'm an actual witness to the events of the battle of Thermopylae, and I have to say that I am shocked and disgusted by the movie 300 and it's appalling portrayal of the Spartan defenders as somehow heroic.

Sure they held off an army that outnumbered them thousands to one and stood their ground to the last man to protect the fledgling democracies of ancient Greece, but does anyone think of what they were really like.

That's right, those 300 Spartans were RACIST.

They were seriously dishing out big heaping spoonfuls of bigotry and oppression as a side-dish to the whoop-ass during that fateful battle.

All we Persians wanted to do was express our culture, one that had just as much merit as theirs.

Of course our culture's central tenet is to conquer all the world and force it to give up their independence, democracy, concept of individual rights and to kneel down and worship our god-king.

What's wrong with that?

But those damn pigheaded racist Spartans stood in our way.

They came out of that narrow pass howling like madmen, and slashing their way through out ranks like a pack of lunatic lawnmowers, simply because we were different and wanted to burn their cities, enslave their people, and crush their spirit.

That's why I have to say that you left-wingers have the right attitude about this atrocity of a movie. There are things people in Western cultures shouldn't be doing, like defending themselves, or honoring those who defend themselves, and you know it.

Down with Sparta!

1 on 1 with Joe Wilson (a moment of truth interview)

VOX POPLAR- This week saw the conviction of I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby on charges of lying to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak case. Now I'd like to take a moment to speak to the man at the center of the controversy former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Welcome back to my blog Ambassador Wilson.

JOE WILSON- Nice to be here, but why am I in a steel tube?

VOX POPLAR- That's my patented steel tube of truth. Its delicate blend of mad science and black magic effectively leaves you unable to lie, fabricate, obfuscate, fib or even exaggerate.

JOE WILSON- Damn, I don't know if I can say anything that way. This is worse than testifying under oath, and I fought like hell to avoid that.

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get this interview started. What do you think of the conviction of Scooter Libby?

JOE WILSON- It's a total crock, but it will give my movie deal a decent ending.

VOX POPLAR- How is it a crock?

JOE WILSON- Basically, Libby was convicted for the crime of not remembering the dates he exchanged some fairly bland Washington gossip with some reporters. Reporters whose own notes and memories of the incidents in question are also faulty.

VOX POPLAR- So you would agree that he's been convicted for lying during the investigation of what turned out to not be a crime in the first place?

JOE WILSON- Oh sure. Outside of this damn tube I'll scream that it's a victory for truth, justice, and liberty. When, in fact, it was just a politicized witch hunt to help perpetuate the many lies I spread about my mission to Niger.

VOX POPLAR- What about those lies?

JOE WILSON- Oh I told some whoppers. I claimed the Iraqis weren't after yellow cake uranium, when they sent their top nuclear expert, to a country with only one export, yellow cake. I also claimed that I was sent by Dick Cheney, which was a big fat lie. I was sent by the CIA on the suggestion of my wife. I also lied about my report circulating in the highest circles of power. It didn't. And I lied about my wife being in an undercover position, which she hadn't been since the Russians blew her cover years earlier.

VOX POPLAR- And yet you're not even charged, let alone convicted for your years of lying.

JOE WILSON- I am a Democrat you know. Democrats never get in any serious trouble. Look at Sandy Berger, he stuffed vital national security information in his pants before shredding them, to protect the Clintons for their incompetence in the face of terrorism, and all he got was a light slap on the wrist. I go around, lying my ass off, and I got a movie deal.

VOX POPLAR- Let's talk about your movie deal. Why would Hollywood want to make a film, that few would want to see, that would only serve to slander the government in wartime with nasty political fictions?

JOE WILSON- Hollywood hates Bush. This hatred of Bush overrides everything, be it commerce, common sense or even their sense of survival. They're compelled to do everything they can to ruin the war effort against terrorism because Bush is a Republican and they believe Republicans to be evil.

VOX POPLAR- But a chronic liar like you is a hero to them?

JOE WILSON- Exactly. I told lies, I told lies with fucking bells on, and they love me for it. Plus, I'm going to be played George Clooney, my wife will be played by Julia Roberts, and Libby will be played by Christopher Walken. It's like Ocean's 11 with more lying.

VOX POPLAR- Who will play Richard Armitage?

JOE WILSON- He's not in the movie.

VOX POPLAR- But he's the guy who leaked your name to the press. He's kind of important.

JOE WILSON- Yeah, but he's against the Iraq War, that completely blows the anti-Bush script I'm working on with Michael Moore and the guys who wrote Glitter.

VOX POPLAR- Well, this has been very illuminating. Thanks for coming.

JOE WILSON- Thank you, and could you let me out of this tube now?

My Bad...

I have a confession to make.

I'm the reason Ann Coulter is an idiot.

Not all the time, just that one time at CPAC where she used 'faggot' in a lame joke about John Edwards.

But that's not all my fault.

It's Al Gore's.

I was inspired by Electric Al's whole concept of the 'Carbon Offset' and how he's shamelessly making money trading on other people's fears.

I figured two can play at that game.

Now the Global Warming doomsday market is pretty much sewn up by Al Gore and his Inconvenient Troops, so I had to come up with something new.

Then it hit me.

A lot of rich and famous people are idiots.

And the rest they say is history.

click to enlarge

I do regret selling one to Anne Coulter. Should have charged her more for such epic, shameless, pandering stupidity.

But don't let a bone-headed publicity whore like Anne Coulter ruin for fun, for $100 you too can become officially idiot neutral.