Defectors, Nukes, & Spartans, Oh my...

The following is an expertly translated excerpt from the personal blog of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.


MOOD: depressed :(

MUSIC: Sad Songs Say So Much -Elton John


The past couple of weeks have been the suckiest in the history of sucky stuff.

First, my deputy minister of defense disappears. Some are saying that he was kidnapped by the Israelis, others are saying he defected to the Americans, and nobody seems to know how many wives this guy had.

All we do know is that he's gone, and he took a big bag of everything I don't want anyone to know. I'm talking blueprints of our nuclear labs, names and addresses of our contacts with Hezbollah and Al Qaida, and the wheres and hows behind our terrorist financing scheme.

Also his disappearance coincided with the Russians canceling construction on a nuclear reactor for us because a $25 million check bounced.

Come to think of it, that guy was in charge of making out the checks for that sort of thing.

The bastard!

Man, and just when you think the whole world is plotting against your scheme to destroy the planet in a wave of nuclear fire, Hollywood adds insult to injury by stabbing me in the back!

Yep, that Hollywood. The folks who have been so good in making sure that all stories about terrorism have some Yankee/Corporate/CIA conspiracy behind it, has gone and made a movie that makes Persians look bad.

Yeah, I'm talking about that movie 300.

How dare they portray the ancient Persian empire as a horde of zombie like killers mindlessly hurtling themselves to be slaughtered on the orders of a demented theocrat.

That's modern Iran, not ancient Persia.

And I couldn't even muster that many zombie-killer dudes in the scary masks.

Hell, over 40% of the country doesn't want anything to with me and my Ayatollah buddies, and the rest is too angry at being unemployed, broke, and watching me pissing the country's oil wealth away so we could be on the international shit list.

Maybe I should just go back to bed.

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