VOX POPLAR- This week saw the conviction of I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby on charges of lying to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak case. Now I'd like to take a moment to speak to the man at the center of the controversy former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Welcome back to my blog Ambassador Wilson.
JOE WILSON- Nice to be here, but why am I in a steel tube?
VOX POPLAR- That's my patented steel tube of truth. Its delicate blend of mad science and black magic effectively leaves you unable to lie, fabricate, obfuscate, fib or even exaggerate.
JOE WILSON- Damn, I don't know if I can say anything that way. This is worse than testifying under oath, and I fought like hell to avoid that.
VOX POPLAR- Now let's get this interview started. What do you think of the conviction of Scooter Libby?
JOE WILSON- It's a total crock, but it will give my movie deal a decent ending.
VOX POPLAR- How is it a crock?
JOE WILSON- Basically, Libby was convicted for the crime of not remembering the dates he exchanged some fairly bland Washington gossip with some reporters. Reporters whose own notes and memories of the incidents in question are also faulty.
VOX POPLAR- So you would agree that he's been convicted for lying during the investigation of what turned out to not be a crime in the first place?
JOE WILSON- Oh sure. Outside of this damn tube I'll scream that it's a victory for truth, justice, and liberty. When, in fact, it was just a politicized witch hunt to help perpetuate the many lies I spread about my mission to Niger.
VOX POPLAR- What about those lies?
JOE WILSON- Oh I told some whoppers. I claimed the Iraqis weren't after yellow cake uranium, when they sent their top nuclear expert, to a country with only one export, yellow cake. I also claimed that I was sent by Dick Cheney, which was a big fat lie. I was sent by the CIA on the suggestion of my wife. I also lied about my report circulating in the highest circles of power. It didn't. And I lied about my wife being in an undercover position, which she hadn't been since the Russians blew her cover years earlier.
VOX POPLAR- And yet you're not even charged, let alone convicted for your years of lying.
JOE WILSON- I am a Democrat you know. Democrats never get in any serious trouble. Look at Sandy Berger, he stuffed vital national security information in his pants before shredding them, to protect the Clintons for their incompetence in the face of terrorism, and all he got was a light slap on the wrist. I go around, lying my ass off, and I got a movie deal.
VOX POPLAR- Let's talk about your movie deal. Why would Hollywood want to make a film, that few would want to see, that would only serve to slander the government in wartime with nasty political fictions?
JOE WILSON- Hollywood hates Bush. This hatred of Bush overrides everything, be it commerce, common sense or even their sense of survival. They're compelled to do everything they can to ruin the war effort against terrorism because Bush is a Republican and they believe Republicans to be evil.
VOX POPLAR- But a chronic liar like you is a hero to them?
JOE WILSON- Exactly. I told lies, I told lies with fucking bells on, and they love me for it. Plus, I'm going to be played George Clooney, my wife will be played by Julia Roberts, and Libby will be played by Christopher Walken. It's like Ocean's 11 with more lying.
VOX POPLAR- Who will play Richard Armitage?
JOE WILSON- He's not in the movie.
VOX POPLAR- But he's the guy who leaked your name to the press. He's kind of important.
JOE WILSON- Yeah, but he's against the Iraq War, that completely blows the anti-Bush script I'm working on with Michael Moore and the guys who wrote Glitter.
VOX POPLAR- Well, this has been very illuminating. Thanks for coming.
JOE WILSON- Thank you, and could you let me out of this tube now?