A True Crime Story...

Okay, here's the story.

A prisoner doing time for parole violation in Utah is taken to a medical appointment outside prison. While on the outside he overpowers the guard, takes the guard's gun, and kills the guard.

Now he's looking at 1st Degree Murder.

He goes on the run, but is quickly caught.

Because he looks like...

This.

Way to blend in with the crowd in Utah you moron.

This is a perfect case for the death penalty, he's too dumb to be allowed to live. He thinks killing a guard and going on the run while looking like a rejected circus freak makes himself a grat criminal mastermind.

I have one word for it... idiocy.

Not So Fantastic 4!

A
DISCUSSION OF
MODERN FILM
BY
GALACTUS
DEVOURER OF WORLDS

Okay, I've been doing a little reading about the movie Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I've been very curious about that movie, considering it involves my herald that whiny little bastard the Silver Surfer and has to have at least a cameo by yours truly, me.

I wasn't interested in who'd they cast for the role. I have like cosmically big shoes to fill, so it can't be pulled off by any Hollywood pretty boy. I was leaning toward them casting some brawny fellow for the body, but get Christopher Lee to do the voice.

What did Marvel's movie division and 20th Century Fox do?

They made the character based on me a cloud.

A FREAKING CLOUD!

What in the name of the big bang is that all about?

What were they thinking?

That drooling pimple-popping fanboys would fork over their money for a glimpse of Jessica Alba in a spandex bodysuit and not give a royal crap about the rest, that's what they were thinking.

What a pack of bastards.

It shows the exact reason why sequels are under-performing at the box office this year. Producers and filmmakers don't want to deal with characters and stories, all they want are lots of computer generated explosions, chicks in tight outfits, and the occasional shot at the Bush administration. So they take cheap short cuts, like making ME of all the people in the cosmos, a freaking cosmic killer fart.

I'm one of the most powerful villains in the Marvel comics universe. I literally eat planets and shit asteroids. I'm also charming, erudite, and drop dead sexy.

That's not a cloud.

I may not be allowed to eat Earth, but I think I might make a nice light snack out of Hollywood.

Bastards.

I'm A National Treasure!

A
MAJOR
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
WILLIAM
"DOLLAR BILL"
JEFFERSON
(D-Louisiana)

Hello Democratic voters and folks with available cash.

It looks like the scat has hit the fan. Even though the Department of Justice was kind enough to wait two years so I could get re-elected, they couldn't wait any longer and indicted me for bribery, corruption, and a lot of other things.

Let me tell you that I will not take this lying down. I've got a lot of race cards, and I'm going to play every one like it was poker night at Al Sharpton's house. I'm going to hurl conspiracy theories, cover-ups, and crackpot theories not even Rosie O'Donnell will fall for.

Now it probably won't work with me being as guilty as homemade sin. But I am a Democrat, and so are a lot of federal judges, so even if I'm found guilty, which I probably will be, I'll most likely get off with probation. Because the justice system is not for fighting real corruption like mine. It's for imprisoning Republicans for not remembering about gossiping about something the prosecutor doesn't even think is a crime.

With my conviction inevitable, I will most likely be impeached from Congress. But don't cry for me. I'm already in negotiations to become a TV star.

Producer and Democrat Norman Lear wants me to star in a 'revamping' of The Jeffersons. Sure Lear hasn't actually produced anything on TV in like 20 years, but I'm sure he still has the same grasp on the public imagination that he did in 1975.

So let's all wish me luck and sing along to the new theme song!

Well I'm movin on out, over a bribe.
To a federal penitentiary for hard time.
Movin on out over a bribe.
For taking a big piece of the pie.

Cash don’t freeze in the kitchen;
Evidence won’t burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta lyin’ just to stay on Capitol Hill.
Now I'm heading to the big house
Gonna lose my pork barrel fat.
But if the judge is a Democrat I'm home free baby
There ain’t nothin wrong with that.

Then I'll be movin on up, to the East Side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up to the east side.
And I'll get to keep my piece of the pie.

Hollywood Roundtable #1

VOX POPLAR- Hello, and welcome to the premiere edition of Hollywood Roundtable. The blog where the hard hitting issues of the day are discussed by the people who understand them best, Hollywood people. I'm your host, Vox Poplar, blogger and token Earthling correspondent for the MoxArgon Group. Joining me today is actor, activist, comedian, talk-show host, and haiku poet Rosie O'Donnell.

ROSIE O'DONNELL- bush is real terrorist

gulf of Tonkin

google it.

VOX POPLAR- Oscar winning actor, activist and friend to dictators the world over Sean Penn.

SEAN PENN- This administration is the most obscenely criminally...um... criminal government the world has ever known.

VOX POPLAR- Oscar winning writer, activist and creator of Walker: Texas Ranger, Paul Haggis.

PAUL HAGGIS- So what if my movies don't make any money gimme another goddamn Oscar!

VOX POPLAR- And last, but not least, writer of When Harry Met Sally, activist, and renowned international terrorism expert Nora Ephron.

NORA EPHRON- Carl Bernstein ran out on me.

VOX POPLAR- Okay, I'm not sure what that has to do with this blog, but let's move onto our first topic. The FBI recently arrested six men for plotting to blow up the fuel lines for JFK Airport potentially killing thousands of innocent New Yorkers. What's the view from Hollywood folks? First up Rosie.

ROSIE O'DONNELL- I question the timing

battle of the alamo

google it.

VOX POPLAR- Paul Haggis?

PAUL HAGGIS- Yet another example of how the foul and racist United States of Amerikkka destroys the dreams of poor immigrants simply because they're of the wrong race.

VOX POPLAR- Their dream was to kill thousands of innocent people.

PAUL HAGGIS- Does being a citizen of the most fascist and racist state the world has ever known make you innocent?

VOX POPLAR- Ookay. Sean Penn?

SEAN PENN- The trolls of small minded Christian fascists dance in the soiled underwear of Israeli lobbyists.

VOX POPLAR- Nora Ephron?

NORA EPHRON- I think that only the clear eyes of someone who has grown up in the real heart of America, Beverly Hills, can truly understand that these poor innocent Islamist extremists were framed as part of a vast right wing conspiracy to keep Barack Obama from the White House.

PAUL HAGGIS- See that! Even your President's house is racist! You are all racists! Except for me, because I'm from Ontario.

VOX POPLAR- Let's move onto the next topic. Immigration. Should people who break the law be rewarded with amnesty, and does the USA need to reform its immigration laws to make legal immigration easier?

ROSIE O'DONNELL- bush drinks the blood of babies

the death of

captain cook

google it.

SEAN PENN- The fat cats of halliburton and enron frolic like puppies in the bloodstained panties of the mother country.

PAUL HAGGIS- Everyone in America is racist. Except the people who pay to see my movies and give me Oscars.

NORA EPHRON- Isn't it obvious that this is all a big frame up so innocent foreign types can be rounded up and put in Halliburton built death camps.

VOX POPLAR- Next topic. Folks in Hollywood are getting a bad rap for not supporting the troops fighting in Iraq. What is the real view from Hollywood?

ROSIE O'DONNELL- amerikkkan troops kill

650,000,000 Iraqis

orson welles

orson bean

google it.

SEAN PENN- American soldiers are the puppets of the great fascist military industrial complex that sniff the soiled and bloody long-johns of corporate America.

PAUL HAGGIS- I don't support the war, but I support the troops. Even though they are all, to a man, a pack of baby killing, war crime committing, rapist psychopaths who think mass slaughter is the only solution to the world's problems. I even made a movie about how bad they are, the movie sucks, but it's gonna get me another Oscar!

VOX POPLAR- Have you actually met any American soldiers?

PAUL HAGGIS- Yes, a real soldier named Jesse MacBeth told me all about their bloodthirsty ways.

VOX POPLAR- That explains a lot. Nora Ephron?

NORA EPHRON- If American soldiers truly represented American ideals, they'd be from Park Avenue in Manhattan, Beverly Hills, or Malibu. They're just the dregs of fly-over country.

VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that wraps this up for now. So until next time, remember to keep watching the Hollywood Stars, because they know better than you.

-------------------------------------

Gotta Question that only the biggest and brightest brains in the Known Universe can answer? Then CLICK HERE and leave it in the PLEAS section. Do it now because you can't get any answers if you don't ask any questions!

It's Graduation Time...

I was inspired by Remulak MoxArgon's recent speech at a high school graduation and I decided to look for inspiring graduation speeches.

Yet when I started looking I was less than inspired.

Sheesh.

Conservative speakers were outnumbered by Leftist speakers a staggering 8 to 1 at America's universities.

And I think the following speech is just a little too far...

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

Transcript of a speech given to the Wasamatta University School of Journalism by Al Qaida spokesman Adam Gadahn.

Greetings infidel journalism graduates.

(smack)

I am grateful to be invited to speak to your class, in fact I jump at any excuse to get out of the cave. The air here is remarkably fresh and devoid of pesky bombs.

(smack)

But I'm not here to talk about the charms of the Tribal Regions. I'm here to offer my advice as an experienced media professional to you young hopeful journalism graduates. Hopefully, you will be able to follow my advice before we restore the global caliphate and slit all of your throats, leaving your blood to flow in rivers.

(smack)

Anyhoo.

(smack)

First. Keep blaming America. Even if America has nothing to do with whatever the hell is happening, blame them anyway. Look at Darfur, there's a genocide going on and the blame can only be placed squarely on Sudan's Islamist government and their Red Chinese co-dependents. Yet the media coverage makes it look like the sole cause is George W. Bush. That's great.

(smack)

Second. Keep ignoring things that makes the Iraq War look right. Ignore Saddam's human rights abuses, his aggression, and his corruption of the United Nations. Ignore that even Saddam's own generals thought he had WMDs and keep on the 'Bush lied' mantra. And keep on harping about Bush lying about Saddam being involved with 9/11. Sure he didn't order it, but he did give aid, shelter and medical care to those who did. It's up to you future journalists to follow your brothers who are already in the Mainstream Media in keeping that information suppressed.

(smack)

Third. You must also keep up the good work being done by your media in breaking the spirit of your country by accentuating and exaggerating every negative story associated with your military. Every victory must be presented as a defeat, the death of every American soldier must be hyped as much as the death of Princess Diana, and you must keep up with the accusations of torture and abuse, even though the only sources are people like me. Plus, you must maintain the ongoing suppression of Al Qaida's own torture manual.

(smack)

So in closing. I'd like to thank the Democratic Party and their friends in American infidel media, and tell them that my buddies in Al Qaida are really counting on your support. It takes a rare kind of person to aid and comfort an enemy in wartime just so they can get some short term political gain.

(smack)

Thank you all. Death to America!

The Assault on Treason Reason

A
PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
ENVIRONMENTAL PROFITEER &
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT

AL GORE

My fellow Democrats and all you folks in flyover country. I am here to warn you of a grave danger that threatens America.

It's not terrorists.

It's not Kim Jong Il and his nuclear bombs.

And for once, it's not Global Warming. Even though that will destroy you all if you do not bow down and worship me!

It's people who are criticizing my new book The Assault on Reason.

All I can say is:

HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!!!

I am Al Gore.

I possess all knowledge.

I can predict the weather of 50 years in the future with 100% accuracy.

I have a freaking Oscar!

I am a GOD compared to you measly little Republican pukes and you dare to use your propaganda machine at Fox News to smear my mighty name.

So what if I play around with a few facts.

So what if I rewrite history about the Clinton administration, of which I was Vice President, believing in Saddam's WMDs as strongly as the Bush Administration.

So what if I make broad claims, mostly devoid of any actual facts. I'm trying to sell myself to the Kos Kids and Soros-suckers who currently control the Democratic Party so I can swoop in and seize the Presidential nomination from the Ice Queen herself, and after that, the White House.

I've already got people worshiping me as some sort of climate mastering deity, so why shouldn't I have the political power to go with it.

Screw Christianity, the Church of Gaia is the new faith, and Al Gore is its prophet.

So what if all my predictions are wrong, and that Earth is now entering a cooling phase, thus turning all my stances on their ear.

The general public will never know.

I've got the media so far up my butt, Katie Couric can tell you the condition of my colon. They accept everything I say as gospel, which it is, and never question my selective editing of history and science in order to sell books and questionable carbon indulgences offsets, making me rich.

All except those fascists at Fox News.

When I am your King President, I will join with the permanent Democratic Majority to pull Fox's license so they will no longer pollute the air with facts, figures, and history.

So accept my rule.

OR ACCEPT YOUR DOOM!

Elizabeth Hasselbee-otch!

An
Excerpt
from the
Personal Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell
(Queen of All Media)

-how dare that blond bimbo breeder
-imply that i dont support the troops
-simply because i keep claiming that
-they kill innocent civilians
-for halliburton
-and bush-hitler
-who was really behind 9/11

-i support the troops
-they r all fascist baby killing scumbags

-google it

-had to play the victim card
-to shut her up
-claiming evil people pick on me
-because Im fat lesbian
-instead of loudmouth limo lefty
-who hates the country that made her rich
-those evil right wingers dont pick on ellen degeneres
-just because shes skinny
-& doesnt hate america

-so what if saddam gave al-qaida
-money
-shelter
-health care
-& violated every clause of the cease-fire
-killed kurds
-killed shia
-threatened neighbors
-he didn't order 9/11
-dick cheney did
-i know the truth

-fire does not melt steel

-FIRE DOES NOT MELT STEEL

-Im the victim here

-hasselback didnt shut up when i started yelling
-how can i bully her if she fights back

-fighting back is wrong

-especially against me
-& terrorists
-terrorist just need hugs
-and amerikkka to sign the kyoto accord
-name hillary our queen
-then peace will come to the world

-i hate this country

-the fact that it allowed someone like me to become rich and famous
-makes me sick

-so dont pick on me
-point out my mistakes
-loony conspiracy theories
-ignorance of world affairs
-or ill say ur picking on me because im a fat lesbian

-elizabeth is the new mccarthy

-evil christian scumbags

-i hate u all

-y dont u luv me?

Bleat The Press

TIM RUSSERT: Good day and welcome to the debut episode of Bleat The Press, where the thoroughly unbiased members of the media, like my co-hosts unbiased journalist and voice of reason Chris Matthews and reknowned expert on science and politics: Rosie O'Donnel, discuss the issues of the week with our panel of unbiased and downright brilliant political leaders.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: They are so great, I was having fits in the dressing room. Tell the folks at home who we got today Chris Matthews.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Joining our bipartisan panel today is Speaker of the House and freelance diplomat Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader and military strategist Harry Reid, and finally a reknowned environmental scientist and statesman, the man who would have prevented America from being the boiling cesspool that it is, if he hadn't had his presidency stolen from him by the Bush-Halliburton conspiracy: President Al Gore. Can I say how great it is for all of you to bless me with your presence.

NANCY PELOSI: It's nothing really.

HARRY REID: It's the least we can do.

AL GORE: It's all part of the greatness that is me.

TIM RUSSERT: I have the first question. What great things would you do if you were President instead of Bush?

NANCY PELOSI: I'd pull out of Iraq and put our support behind real champions of freedom, like Syria and Iran.

HARRY REID: I'd pull the broadcast licenses of all who dare oppose us, like those fascists at Fox News.

AL GORE: I'd make the flowers bloom, the sun shine, and bring peace to the Earth.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: I got the next question. You folks are so nice, why do those Nazis at Fox News want to keep you down?

NANCY PELOSI: Because they're evil.

HARRY REID: They dare to ask us hard questions about John Murtha threatening another representative on the floor of Congress, or Diane Feinstein's appropriations shenanigans, or that we haven't actually accomplished anything since we were elected.

AL GORE: Fox is afraid of me because I speak truth to power. That and they're in the pay of big oil. It's all about big oil.

NANCY PELOSI: It's poor people like Al Gore here are truly suffering because of the Fox News Nazis and their friend on talk radio and the blogs. That's why we want to bring back the fairness doctrine, so we can eliminate such unfettered free speech and leave it to properly unbiased people like you.

HARRY REID: Yeah, those loser Americans waste their time listening to people they like and will not listen to Air America unless we force them by law.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have the next question. What do you hate most about America?

NANCY PELOSI: Christians.

HARRY REID: People who dare challenge my authority to declare wars lost and my right to demoralize our troops in the face of the enemy.

AL GORE: Big oil companies that won't pay me millions for the carbon credits that will wash all their sins away. Can't you hear mother earth screaming?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: You people are all so brilliant, I wish we could spend the whole show with you, and Al Gore, I would like to have your babies. But in the spirit of fairness we have to bring in someone to speak for those evil Republicans. So here is a statement by Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul.

RON PAUL: America is a wretched turd on the blanket of human progress. Bush was responsible for 9/11. America is evil and must be destroyed.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Finally, a Republican not afraid to speak the truth.

RON PAUL: I think I soiled myself. Where am I?

TIM RUSSERT: And now for a heated debate that looks at both sides of the issue is Point-Counterpoint with former President Jimmy Carter and Democratic chairman Howard Dean. Your question today gentlemen is: How bad is George W. Bush?

JIMMY CARTER: George W. Bush is the most vile, evil, and disgusting excuse for a human being that has ever disgraced the White House. When I was president everyone was happy, the economy was strong, the environment was perfect, and there was no such thing as Islamic terrorism. What do you think Howard Dean?

HOWARD DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!

JIMMY CARTER: My point exactly. Back to you Tim Russert.

TIM RUSSERT: And that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my guests and my co-hosts and we'll see you next time.

Tinky Winky On Jerry Falwell's Passing

A
EULOGY
BY
TINKY
WINKY

(Children's Entertainer)




Longtime evangelist, activist and founder of the Moral Majority Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday, and he is mourned by a lot of people.

I am not one of them.

Falwell had the unmitigated balls to call me gay.

ME GAY?

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but what the hell was he smoking?

Sure, I'm purple, but that doesn't mean I'm not all man, if you know what I mean. Hell, once the chicks go purple.... well there isn't a word that rhymes with purple, but you get the picture.

Tinky's winky is strictly for the ladies.

Heck, I think I might have fathered half the kids on our show if the paternity suits are anything to go by.

And his other piece of so-called 'evidence' was his claim that I carried a 'purse.' A goddamn purse?

That is a European carry-all. I keep my condoms, extra pants, little black book (which is quite large), and Hai Karate cologne in there if you really must know. I mean sweet zombie Zeus, it's not like I'm one of those la-dee-da metrosexuals like Dipsy, if his hat doesn't make you suspicious, I don't know what will, or a raging skank like Laa-Laa, or a needy emotional cripple like Po, who likes her schnapps a little too much for a professional. What a pack of bastards they are....

But I digress...

Enough about the late Mr. Falwell's misunderstanding of my personal life, let's move onto some of the other things he's said.

Now I'm as right wing as you can get in the entertainment biz. I'm pro-life and I think Rosie O'Donnell is nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and that Sean Penn should only speak when someone else is writing his lines, and that if someone goes after you with a knife, you go after him with a gun, he puts one of your men in the hospital you put ten of his in the morgue, that's the Chicago way.

However, Falwell's stands have always made me uncomfortable.

He was always a little too quick to blame God for the actions of men and using it to justify his own desire for political power. I mean come on, 9/11 was not God's punishment on the USA, the most Christian country on Earth, it was a crime committed by a bunch of whack-job camel molesters with sand-for brains worshiping a twisted bastardized facsimile of god with a thirst for blood worse than Dracula on a hunger strike.

Falwell did mobilize America's so-called Religious Right, but while many Americans consider themselves 'conservative Christians,' most can best be described as a 'militant middle' who are decidedly uncomfortable with Falwell and his many inflammatory statements.

I often found his remarks did more to mobilize the elitist political-Left in the media and politics than unite the religious right. I don't think Rosie O'Donnell and her 9/11 Truther-Hate America-Hate Christians ilk would be on the air in the MSM if it weren't for Falwell's publicity mongering giving them a false sense of legitimacy as 'rebels' against his so-called 'fundamentalist oppression' and giving some illusion of credence to their prejudices.

And his campaign against people like me, with absolutely false allegations of homosexuality, not only trivialized his work, but distracted people from the more important things, like preserving freedom in the face of creeping political correctness and rampaging Islamofascism.

I should have sued his ass.

Anyway, let's hope the conservative Christian movement finds new leadership that's more concerned with the welfare of people's souls and the preservation of America's Judeo-Christian based culture of freedom, than their own political power.

Bye-bye.

FRED!

Too bad he's leaving Law & Order, because aside from the aesthetic appeal of Milena Govich, he was the only voice of reason in an increasingly unreasonable show.

Here's Fred Thompson's response to Michael "Publicity Whore" Moore's demand for a public debate: