I'm looking for a cause please....

Inspired by Christopher Hitchens and his brilliant use of Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch, I've decided to use Python for my own political metaphor.  Here it is...

 

THE CAUSE SHOP SKETCH

 

SCENE: Shop with a sign over the counter that reads, CHOMSKY'S QUALITY CAUSES. Enter MR. LEFT, who approaches the counter and rings the bell.  A CLERK pops up from behind the counter.

 

CLERK:

How may I help you?

 

LEFT:

Hello, I was just attending a screening of The Motorcycle Diaries, and I was inspired to shrug off the shackles of my humdrum bourgeois existence and procure myself something to dedicate my life's labours to.

 

CLERK:

Excuse me?

 

LEFT:

I'm looking for a Political Cause.  This is a Cause Shop, is it not?

 

CLERK:

It most certainly is a Cause Shop, the finest Cause Shop in town.

 

LEFT:

Most efficacious.  I have a craving for some feminism.

 

CLERK:

All out sir.  Women's rights was found to be offensive to some cultures.

 

LEFT:

Oh dear, we can't have that.  How about multilateralism?

 

CLERK:

We had some in just the other day, but France nicked it.

 

LEFT:

How dreadful.  How about voting rights?

 

CLERK:

Sorry sir, the Department of Political Correctness won't let us carry democracy anymore.  Something about 'brown people' using it when they're too primitive to understand it.

 

LEFT:

How about world peace?

 

CLERK:

I'm sorry sir, we had some for a while, but we had to give it up, because it might lead to criticism of non-American governments.

 

LEFT:

Gay rights?

 

CLERK:

Sorry, but the very existence of homosexuals are considered offensive to some cultures, so we can only carry small amounts of same sex marriage, and Rosie O'Donnell sucked up our last batch.

 

LEFT:

Religious freedom?

 

CLERK:

Ran out of that.  To make it, you need tolerance, and it turns out tolerance has be a two way street, and some religions didn't care for tolerating others.  And asking them do so could be interpreted as offensive.

 

LEFT:

Human rights?

 

CLERK:

Could offend the Chinese Government sir, so we have to ignore it.

 

LEFT:

This is a Cause Shop, is it not.

 

CLERK:

It's the finest in town.

 

LEFT:

And to what does it owe that distinction?

 

CLERK:

It's so clean.

 

LEFT:

I agree.  It's remarkably free of causes.  How about freedom of speech?

 

CLERK:

It was banned.  There was worry that all that free political talk could lead to Republicanism.

 

LEFT:

Hmmm, we can't have that now, can we.  Let's try a different tack.  Instead of me asking if you have a specific political cause and you telling me you're out, how about I just ask you what political causes you have left.

 

CLERK:

Sounds like a good idea.  Ask away.

 

LEFT:

What causes do you have left?

 

CLERK:

All we have left is Opposition to the War Against Terrorism.

 

LEFT:

But if you're against being against terrorism, wouldn't that make you for terrorism.

 

CLERK:

Specifically Islamofascist terrorism.

 

LEFT:

And wouldn't being for Islamofascist terrorism, in a left-handed way of course, be a stance against feminism, democracy, world peace, gay rights, human rights, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and basic human decency.

 

CLERK:

Absolutely right sir.  But you will be opposing George W. Bush.

 

LEFT:

That makes it all right then, I'll take it.