Stop to Smell the Roses of the Prophet Mohammed

An Announcement by

Mahmoud Amadinejad

President of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Howdy-ho folks.

I'm here to talk about something really important. No, I'm not talking about Cheney's hunting accident, even I was disgusted by how the media handled it, and I'm not talking about my own plans for global nuclear apocalypse. I'm here to talk about those nasty Danes.

As you know we, the ever wise rulers of Iran, have taken a few moments from supporting terrorism, making nukes, and general misery spreading, to rename what were formerly known as Danish Pastries to The Roses of the Prophet Mohammed.

Now we're not going to stop there. Hell, no, there are way too many countries that piss us off with their freedom of speech, individual liberty, and high standards of living. So here are the new names for various foods:

French Croissant: The Moustache of the Prophet Mohammed

French Bread: The Left Arm of the Prophet Mohammed

Italian Bread: The Right Arm of the Prophet Mohammed

Italian Spaghetti: The Hair of the Prophet Mohammed

Italian Bow-Tie Pasta: The Bow Ties of the Prophet Mohammed

Norwegian Lutefisk: The Chunder of the Prophet Mohammed

Canadian Back-Bacon: The Backside of the Prophet Mohammed scratch that

Yankee Pot Roast: The Pot Roast of the Prophet Mohammed

Boston Cream Pie: Pie of the Cream of the Prophet Mohammed

American Beer: The Urine of the Prophet Mohammed

American M&M Candy: Mecca & Medina Candy

Danish Havarti Cheese: The Toe-Jam of the Prophet Mohammed

German Bratwurst: The Wang of the Prophet Mohammed (100% Beef Only)

There, I hope I made myself clear, and I hope that all of you in the west learn that the only path to true tolerance is complete and total submission to our will.

Toodles and death to the Infidel!

~Mahmoud.

THE MOST REPUBLICAN GAME

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY

BY

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY

Howdy.

Now those yammering yahoos in the Mainstream Media are all over me like stink on the north side of a south bound steer because of what they call an 'accident.'

Well, wrong again Liberal Media.

There was no accident.

I saw him and I shot him, plain and simple.

Now before you start kicking and screaming like a teenage secretary left in the back of Ted Kennedy's sinking car let me explain.

It's all a game.

You see hunting animals isn't really all that sporting, what with them being almost as dumb as Democrats and all, and paintball was just a little too simulated for any real thrill, so me and my posse started hunting each other.

Now we're not stupid, or looking to get killed like some Hamas-voting Palestinian, that's why we use that pissy little birdshot. It hurts like a son of a bitch and keeps your mind on your business.

You heard about my hospital stays over my supposedly tricky ticker, well it's all premium Grade-A Bill Clinton's sincerity class bullshit. Yeah, I was in the hospital, but it was to get a load of bird-shot out of my ass. Last time I had to sit on one of those inflatable donuts for a freaking month.

Good times. Good times.

Anyhoo, this time it was my turn to dish out a little payback and the media's all shitting kittens about it.

Now you're probably wondering why we're hunting fellow Republicans and not Democrats. Well, the answer's simple.

Democrats are pussies.

You give them a half-hour head start, and all they do is climb behind the first shrub, curl up in a ball, cry like a baby and beg for the ACLU to save them.

It's damn pathetic.

So that's we real men do in the woods of Texas, and if you want to make something of it you can go fuck yourself.

LOSERS HAVE OPINIONS TOO!

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE

& FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

GORE: Hello. I'm Al Gore; campaign fundraising enthusiast and the President America should have had, no matter how many people voted for the other guy.

CARTER: And I'm former President and undisputed Master of National Malaise Jimmy Carter. Anybody want some peanuts? No? Okay, well we're here to talk how those nasty right-wing bloggers are attacking us for our recent statements.

GORE: Damn right. Where did they get the right to attack their betters, I know I certainly didn't give it to them when I invented the internet.

CARTER: They're like those Danish cartoonists, terrorizing us with their free speech because we dare to speak truth to power.

GORE: Yeah, so what if my recent claims about the USA rounding up and abusing Arabs in America weren't true and only served to inflame existing hatred in the Islamic World, I still had the ACLU granted right to say those things.

CARTER: Testify! And so what if I, an old race-baiter, KKK butt-kisser, and semi-reformed self-proclaimed 'redneck,' should use a revered black woman's funeral to undermine the sitting President with cheap political shots? So what if I am accusing him of the exact same things I did when I was President for weaker reasons? I'm a Democrat; that means I am always right, no matter how unrelated to reality my statements may be.

GORE: Exactly. Besides, we have damn good reasons to make the sort of irresponsible, slanderous, and possibly treasonous statements we do.

CARTER: Right, we're getting lots of money from George Soros and the Saudis.

GORE: Ixnay on the oneymay artercay! What he really means is that we're taking a morally superior stand when we undermine the country our bravest men and women are currently fighting to defend. It's morally superior because we're members of the Democratic Party, which is the opposite of the Republican Party, and since the Republicans are evil, that makes us and all we stand for good.

CARTER: Yeah, and I helped build a few houses for poor people, that should make up for my wishy-washy presidential leadership and my recent support for international dictators.

GORE: Damn right. If we don't shill for dictators, who will?

CARTER: Besides, I think there are some Republicans who agree with us. Dick Cheney just invited both of us to go with him on a hunting trip.

GORE: Oh crap!

The Poplar Report

DATELINE TEHRAN: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that his country will combat 'Islamophobia' or the fear of Muslim people by acquiring nuclear weapons and scaring the living shit out of everyone.

DATELINE WASHINGTON: Democratic senators grilled Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez this week over the so-called 'domestic spying' issue. When Senator Kennedy said that he was disgusted by the practice, Attorney General Gonzalez replied: "That's not what we heard you say on the phone last week." Also former President, peanut farmer, and endorser of dictators Jimmy Carter also criticized the program, which means that it has to be right.

DATELINE DENMARK: Muslims are upset by caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed, especially one that portrays him as a terrorist which they consider an insulting stereotype. To put an end to this stereotype Islamic leader promise a wave of murder and terrorist attacks.

DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: NBC has once again fallen under criticism by conservative Christians by announcing that pop-tart and child car-seat endorser Britney Spears will guest on the Will & Grace Easter episode as the host of conservative Christian cooking show called 'Cruci-Fixins.' NBC is also the same network that refuses to show the Mohammed cartoons for fear of offending Muslims. When asked to explain this rather obvious bias the president of NBC responded by saying: "Hey, Christians aren't burning down any embassies because they're full of all that peace and love Jesus talk. The worse those flyover country retards can do is boycott our advertisers, but they're not a key demographic, so they can kiss my ass."

DATELINE OTTAWA: Canada's age of darkness and horror began when new Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper was sworn into office with his cabinet. His cabinet includes one defective defected Liberal cabinet minister named John Emerson. It's unknown if his bandmates Lake and Palmer will follow him across the floor.

DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: The paparazzo who violently harrassed actress Reese Witherspoon and her kid at Disney Land was found dead by police after he missed a bail hearing over the incident. the lesson in this: DON'T PISS OFF THE CHICK FROM LEGALLY BLONDE.

DATELINE DETROIT: The Super Bowl commercials were a rousing success. Everybody loved the commercials... what? There was a footbal in there?

DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: Oscar nominee Brokeback Mountain is doing surprisingly well in the traditionally red-state of Wyoming. It turns out audiences weren't interested in the tale of forbidden love among the sheepherders but in the sheep.

Hold the Danish Part Deux

Yet Another Guest Commentary by

Ayman Al Zawahiri

Boy oh boy, this whole Danish cartoon thing is certainly getting big. Everywhere in the world people are demonstrating that Islam truly is the religion of peace, like these Muslim protesters in London found at Michelle Malkin's blog.

It takes really special people to live with all the freedoms and conveniences of life in the Western World and then start demanding its destruction and the enslavement or deaths of its people over something as trivial as a cartoon in an obscure Danish newspaper.

It warms the cockles of my little flint heart.

In fact I think it's actually kind of funny. Right now Hollywood is scared to do a movie featuring Muslim terrorists for fear of 'stereotyping' us as a pack of bloodthirsty maniacs drunk on religion who respond to trivial matters with violence and calls for vengeance, and here are Muslims around the world acting just like that.

Maybe we'll be able to get a major studio to distribute that crazy Turkish movie that stars Billy Zane as an American soldier that massacres an Iraqi wedding and Gary Busey as a Jewish surgeon who then harvests their organs for Israel. Sure Gays are all the rage for the Oscars this year, but next year it will anti-Semitic Jihadist propanganda.

Then again....

These sorts of events make me think.

When I look at those photos and see the black hatred and rage in the eyes of those people over something that anyone else would have ignored or cancelled their subscription...

Well...

It makes me wonder...

Maybe all this hatred and violence is why Islamic people are so unpopular in the world?

Nah, they hate us because they're jealous of our cool beards.

Hold the Danish

Another Guest Commentary by
Ayman Al-Zawahiri

Yo. How's it crackalackin'. I'm back. And I'd like to thank the infidel Poplar for letting me use his blog. Not that he has much choice. One of my homeboys is holding a big-ass scimitar above his head. There's something about getting circumcised above the neck region that makes people very cooperative.

Now a lot of folks are getting the wrong impression of the Islamic Faith by how easily we get offended by trivial things and how we always seem to react to being offended by either killing people or threatening to kill people.

Now I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert on Islam, having read the entire Koran at least once that I can remember, and I'm really good at quoting passages that justify my atrocities, so I'm going to try to explain why we get so emotional about such things.

It's because Allah loves us, we're his favourite.

That's why people in Muslim countries have such high standards of living.

That's why countries with Islamist rulers are so well governed and those governments are models of integrity, honesty and fairness.

That's why Muslim countries are so peaceful. Especially Muslim countries that border Non-Muslim countries.

If we're wrong then why do people like George Galloway, Cindy Sheehan, Ramsey Clark, Michael Moore, and so many others rush to endorse our cause.

They must know that they'll be among the first batch we behead when we restore the Global Caliphate, so they must be rallying to our cause because we're right. Or they might be complete wad-heads, but that doesn't matter.

We're right.

And our faith is strong. That's why the publication of some stupid cartoons are so evil. Such cartoons can completely destroy our religion and condemn us all to spend eternity suckling acid from the leathery teats of some fat-ass demon. And our imams tell us that the only way to combat evils like cartoon prophets and piglets is engage in terrorism, murder and intimidation.

Now, accept your status as dhimmi and join us in fighting the evil that is the cartoon. Free speech is not a right, it's a privilege granted by people like me.

---------------------------

PS: Support the CARNIVAL OF COMEDY and the CARNIVAL OF SATIRE which are hosted by some lovely and fragrant people, or we'll cut off your heads.

Up Yours Great Satan

A Special Guest Commentary by

Ayman Al-Zawahiri

Howdy y'all.

It's me, the Big Z, or as they call me at Al-Qaida board meetings "The Big Number 2."

I'd like to start with this little message to the Great Satan the USA:

Nyah!

Nyah!

Nyah!

Missed me!

Missed me!

Now ya gotta kiss me!

That was fun.

Now let's get to the serious business.

I'd like to give a shout out to my homies in Hamas who won the elections in the Palestinian Authority. Congrats, and I hope you do the same kind of bang up job running the Palestinians into the ground that the Taliban did with the Afghanis. I know it's a hard act to follow, but I believe that you have the gumption and heart to drag them all the way down to the Stone Age.

You doing a great job so far. I mean it's great that you celebrated your victory with rioting and violence and your stance against the Little Satan (Israel) means that the aid that's been supporting the Palestinian people for decades will probably be cut, so you're well on your way.

Now I'd like to get to an important threat. A threat that threatens the very sanctity of the Islamic people. A threat that must be faced with intimidation, violence and oppression.

No, I'm not talking about the Americans. I'm talking about a threat that goes beyond the American's surprisingly successful program of killing our terrorists chowderheads brainturds jihadi martyrs. I'm talking about...

DANISH CARTOONISTS!

Yes. Those wily Danes are so evil they have become the target of threats and intimidation by the entire Islamic world.

What could they have done? you ask.

Well, they had the unmitigated gall to feature editorial cartoons featuring our Prophet Mohammed.

If that's not evil in its purest form, I don't know what is.

I thank Allah that we're more civilised than those nutjob Christians. I mean when someone in the western media insults Christianity, which is fairly often, Christians either ignore it, or they do some stupid peaceful boycott. Only a perfect faith like ours would issue death threats and even murder artists who offend us.

So let's all band together and bring to life our dream of a global caliphate. Only then can we force the world to realise that cartoons about religion are evil, killing people in the name of God is good.

Keep up the Jihad!

~Z.