DATELINE TEHRAN: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that his country will combat 'Islamophobia' or the fear of Muslim people by acquiring nuclear weapons and scaring the living shit out of everyone.
DATELINE WASHINGTON: Democratic senators grilled Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez this week over the so-called 'domestic spying' issue. When Senator Kennedy said that he was disgusted by the practice, Attorney General Gonzalez replied: "That's not what we heard you say on the phone last week." Also former President, peanut farmer, and endorser of dictators Jimmy Carter also criticized the program, which means that it has to be right.
DATELINE DENMARK: Muslims are upset by caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed, especially one that portrays him as a terrorist which they consider an insulting stereotype. To put an end to this stereotype Islamic leader promise a wave of murder and terrorist attacks.
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: NBC has once again fallen under criticism by conservative Christians by announcing that pop-tart and child car-seat endorser Britney Spears will guest on the Will & Grace Easter episode as the host of conservative Christian cooking show called 'Cruci-Fixins.' NBC is also the same network that refuses to show the Mohammed cartoons for fear of offending Muslims. When asked to explain this rather obvious bias the president of NBC responded by saying: "Hey, Christians aren't burning down any embassies because they're full of all that peace and love Jesus talk. The worse those flyover country retards can do is boycott our advertisers, but they're not a key demographic, so they can kiss my ass."
DATELINE OTTAWA: Canada's age of darkness and horror began when new Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper was sworn into office with his cabinet. His cabinet includes one
defective defected Liberal cabinet minister named John Emerson. It's unknown if his bandmates Lake and Palmer will follow him across the floor.
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: The paparazzo who violently harrassed actress Reese Witherspoon and her kid at Disney Land was found dead by police after he missed a bail hearing over the incident. the lesson in this: DON'T PISS OFF THE CHICK FROM LEGALLY BLONDE.
DATELINE DETROIT: The Super Bowl commercials were a rousing success. Everybody loved the commercials... what? There was a footbal in there?
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: Oscar nominee Brokeback Mountain is doing surprisingly well in the traditionally red-state of Wyoming. It turns out audiences weren't interested in the tale of forbidden love among the sheepherders but in the sheep.