LOSERS HAVE OPINIONS TOO!

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE

& FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

GORE: Hello. I'm Al Gore; campaign fundraising enthusiast and the President America should have had, no matter how many people voted for the other guy.

CARTER: And I'm former President and undisputed Master of National Malaise Jimmy Carter. Anybody want some peanuts? No? Okay, well we're here to talk how those nasty right-wing bloggers are attacking us for our recent statements.

GORE: Damn right. Where did they get the right to attack their betters, I know I certainly didn't give it to them when I invented the internet.

CARTER: They're like those Danish cartoonists, terrorizing us with their free speech because we dare to speak truth to power.

GORE: Yeah, so what if my recent claims about the USA rounding up and abusing Arabs in America weren't true and only served to inflame existing hatred in the Islamic World, I still had the ACLU granted right to say those things.

CARTER: Testify! And so what if I, an old race-baiter, KKK butt-kisser, and semi-reformed self-proclaimed 'redneck,' should use a revered black woman's funeral to undermine the sitting President with cheap political shots? So what if I am accusing him of the exact same things I did when I was President for weaker reasons? I'm a Democrat; that means I am always right, no matter how unrelated to reality my statements may be.

GORE: Exactly. Besides, we have damn good reasons to make the sort of irresponsible, slanderous, and possibly treasonous statements we do.

CARTER: Right, we're getting lots of money from George Soros and the Saudis.

GORE: Ixnay on the oneymay artercay! What he really means is that we're taking a morally superior stand when we undermine the country our bravest men and women are currently fighting to defend. It's morally superior because we're members of the Democratic Party, which is the opposite of the Republican Party, and since the Republicans are evil, that makes us and all we stand for good.

CARTER: Yeah, and I helped build a few houses for poor people, that should make up for my wishy-washy presidential leadership and my recent support for international dictators.

GORE: Damn right. If we don't shill for dictators, who will?

CARTER: Besides, I think there are some Republicans who agree with us. Dick Cheney just invited both of us to go with him on a hunting trip.

GORE: Oh crap!