Blog of the Living Dead

Now I've never really talked much about my family before, but I here to tell you now that I have an identical twin brother named Rex.

Well, actually, I had a brother. You see he passed away after a freak accident involving an Glade Airwick Air Freshener, a fork, a nail gun, and an ill tempered badger named Nibbles McGee.

But after combining some black magic and mad science my bro's back and he's hungry for information about what's going on in the world. Yep, information, and brains, but that's another matter. So I'm asking all you folks in the blogosphere to pitch in and see if you can fill him in on what he's been missing since he's been buried. So here's Rex Poplar...

+++++++++++++++++++++

Me Rex...

Me want know... now...

Why John Kerry say McCarthy leak about prisons good, because it was "true," and Valerie Plame/Joe Wilson leak bad? Plame/Wilson leak true... even had permission... Why bad?

Why press like generals and spies who try to subvert government in wartime?

Would the media still like spies and soldiers if Bush Democrat?

Why Rosie O'Donnell going on The View? Rosie not funny... Rosie not smart about news... Rosie annoying...

When did rich, white, Hollywood actor George Clooney become expert on genocide in Darfur?

Clooney know nothing he think CIA actually does stuff...

Me eat brains.

Me go hungry in Hollywood.

Aaaarrrgghh!!!

Why liberals blame Israel for everything? It only democracy in Middle East. Why it get blamed?

Me hungry.

STAND TALL NOBLE CHICKENHAWK

Finally an organisation where people can stand stall and be counted. I'm talking about the 101st Fighting Keyboardists.

Finally a club that hasn't thrown me out.... yet.

So all you bloggers the lefties like to call Chickenhawks: join the fightin' 101st and take back the name of that noble bird.

Top 10 Super Happy Fun Time

Top Ten Signs the Secret CIA Prisons story was a sting operation:

10. Report on prisons given to Mary McCarthy printed at a Kinko's in Abilene.

9. The report given to McCarthy lists Lex Luthor among the prisoners.

8. No paperwork about the prisons found in Sandy Berger's pants.

7. Richard Clarke believes they are real.

6. No bureaucratic incompetence or financial boondoggle associated with the running of the prisons.

5. Porter Goss kept humming the theme from "The Sting" whenever McCarthy was around.

4. Ambassador Joseph Wilson claims to have been both warden and a prisoner at the secret prison.

3. No buildings in Europe with big "SECRET CIA PRISON" neon signs over them.

2. Not even the CIA would force Al Qaida prisoners to put up with the French.

1. Dana Priest got confirmation for her Pulitzer prize winning story from Patrick McGoohan.

What Have We Ever Done To You?

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Hello there, it's me "The Big O," the future Grand Caliph who will soon hold the entire world under his sway. But you folks can just call me Osama.

If you haven't heard it already I've got a new tape out... I know, I know, everybody who is anybody is podcasting these days, but I just love the warm crackle and hiss of an analog recording. Hell, if I could put those babies out on vinyl lp I would, but old tight-ass Zawahiri says the equipment's too big to fit in our cave.

Besides, I looked up the rates for a decent high speed internet service for that podcasting thang, and both Comcast and Time Warner Cable want an arm and a leg every month. And I mean that figuratively, in the way of wanting mucho dinari for the honour and privilege of a having a DSL modem wedged between my laptop and my espresso machine.

If they literally wanted arms and legs, well, that's doable, there's always some chowderhead getting bits blown off, or some whiny brat-child stealing food because "he's hungry" or some such rot.

I get the feeling the damn thing would be more trouble than it's worth. Zarquawi got a broadband connection and all he does is send nasty foul mouthed e-mails to Michelle Malkin and flooding the Jawa Report with comment spam.

Anyway, I'm here to elaborate on what I said on my latest tape. Basically I'm saying that the evil, satanic West is waging a war against sweet innocent Islam, and I just have a little question:

What have we ever done to you?

Yeah, that's right, what have Muslims ever done to the West to deserve such shoddy treatment?

And don't you go on about terrorism, genocide, violence, corruption, and the terrible abuse of women, homosexuals, and ethnic & religious minorities, you guys did that whole Crusades thing about a thousand years ago. So there!

And don't get me started on how you guys propped up all those nasty-ass dictators in the Middle East... and don't you dare bring up the fact that we put even worse despots in power at every opportunity, because that's still your fault.

Yeah, it's all your fault. With your armies spreading democracy and equality for people regardless of religion, gender, sexual orientation, or ethnic background all willy nilly over the Middle East.

And here you are proving that you're a bunch of nasty little spawn of Satan-pig-dogs by not giving money to the democratically elected Hamas government of the Palestinian Authority. Sure, the Arab countries are giving the steam off their oil-rich pee to the cause, but they can't afford the generosity you Western sucker-states can dish out because they've got overhead. Keeping supplies of suicide bomb-vests, and fresh Phillipino maids to abuse up to snuff costs a lot of greenbacks.

So give us everything you've got, sure Hamas likes to blow up innocent civilians, but they were democratically elected, and you always get the government you deserve in a democracy.

Oh, all I'm getting is stunned silence now.

Let me tell you something, if Allah wanted us to live in a democracy based upon equality, opportunity and the rule of law he wouldn't have made countries like Iran, Saddam's Iraq, and the Taliban's Afghanistan such wonderful places to live.

If Allah did not want us to rain death and destruction on the entire world, he wouldn't have given the Atomic Bomb. Sure we had to beg, borrow, buy, bribe, and steal to get our hands on something developed decades before from scratch in a free society during a global war at a much faster pace, but the Iranians have it, and they're not afraid to use it.

That proves that we're superior and every way.

So do the right thing that such morally stalwart folks like George Clooney, John Kerry, Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, and Charlie Sheen are asking you to do.

Surrender.

Then you can live the wonderful life of a dhimmi in a Talinban ruled society, full of wonderful things like rampant rape, honour killings, mass executions, slavery, and oppression.

Now that would be paradise on Earth.

Bye.

~Osama.

The Poplar Report: From Around the World To Your Monitor!

Shaking an infant to death has been legalised by a judge in Britain. But before you pack up your passport and your kids and head to yee olde London, it's only if you're a Muslim immigrant running a "Me ignorant and me don't know no better" defence. Only a matter of time before Britain's hit with the wave of rapes and "honour" killings that are all the rage in the rest of Europe. (h/t Michelle Malkin)

After months of haggling a "Unity" government has been formed in Iraq. All I can say is that it's taken them an inordinately long time to perform a relatively simple task. They're getting so much like a western democracy, it makes me kinda proud.

If you can't keep a secret, you shouldn't work for the CIA. A CIA officer named Mary McCarthy has been canned from the Company for leaking like seive under Niagara Falls. Reports say that she's a past supporter of the John Kerry campaign, but don't question the patriotism of Democrats. They endanger American operations and lives out of love of country, not a twisted desire for power at all costs, even liberty.

Oh, so it wasn't a "slam dunk." Why do people still listen to bitter ex-CIA spooks anymore? The organisation's run more like the Virginia branch of the Daily Kos than a serious intelligence agency. Maybe if the CIA's agents did their jobs instead of spending time campaigning for the Democrats, 9/11 wouldn't have happened?

On a serious note...

4 Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan. Sorry, no joke with this one. Support the troops.

The Great Zbornak Sees All, Tells All, Knows Nothing!

VOX POPLAR: Welcome. Today we have our old friend, mentalist, psychic, seer, and head fry cook at Duffy's Seafood Shanty The Great Zbornak. If this is the first time you've seen such a demonstration, I will give the Great Zbornak a sealed envelope that contains a question. Zbornak will use his amazing mental powers to see the answer before he even knows the question.

ZBORNAK: May I have the first envelope please?

(Holds envelope to head)

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a reading... The answer is "The Ever-Changing Story."

(Vox opens envelope)

VOX POPLAR: And the question is: What is going to be the title of Ambassador Joseph Wilson's next book about his mission to Niger? Hi-yo!

ZBORNAK: The next envelope please.

(Holds envelope to head)

ZBORNAK: I can see the answer. The answer is... "Not Guilty By Reason of Incompetence."

VOX POPLAR: And the question is: What will be the verdict in the Duke Lacrosse rape trial? Next envelope.

(Zbornak holds envelope to his head)

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a reading... The answer is "Something Disgusting."

VOX POPLAR: And the question is: What will Tom Cruise do after his child is born?

ZBORNAK: Next envelope please.

(Holds envelope to head)

ZBORNAK: I can see the answer. The answer is... "Cynthia McKinney's office? Down the hall and third door on the left."

VOX POPLAR: And the question is: "What will the Capitol Police do the next time a crazed gunman shows up?"

ZBORNAK: Next envelope.

(Holds envelope to his head)

ZBORNAK: The answer is... "Washed Up & Whining."

VOX POPLAR: And the question is: What should Neil Young call his new album of anti-Bush protest songs? Hi-yo! You sir are correct! Next envelope.

(Zbornak holds envelope to his head)

ZBORNAK: I can see the answer... the answer is: "42."

VOX POPLAR: Let's see. The question is: "What is the combined IQ of all Hollywood celebrities who claim to be political experts?" Hi-yo!

(Zbornak holds final envelope to his head)

ZBORNAK: I can see the answer. The answer is... "Trillion to one."

VOX POPLAR: And the answer is: "What are the odds of Zbornak getting paid for this appearance?" Wow, you are good.

ZBORNAK: Bastard.

----

If you have a question about the future and what it may hold then ask it in the sassback section and the Great Zbornak himself will answer it. He predicted I would place 6th in the GOP & The City Caption Contest and he was right. I even beat out Wyatt Earp.

7th Place & Proud of It!

I just got 7th place in the GOP & the City Caption Contest.

I feel honoured.

& slightly dirty.

But in a good way.

Congrats to Wyatt Earp for winning with the nastiest caption ever.

Yale is way more fun than any Madrassa!

A Special Guest Report by Sayed Rahmatellah Hashemi

Hello there American Infidel Swine-Dogs!

It's me, Hashemi...

Hmmm...

Maybe I should just say "it's Hash-e-me."

Ooh, that would be so cool...

Or maybe I could just introduce myself as "The Hash Man," which is what my roommate and Eta Beta Pi Frat Brother Squid calls me.

I'll have to think about it.

Anyhoo.

I'm still at your University of Yale, flagship of the Infidel Imperialist League of Ivy, and I've got a lot to report. It's been very educational, and in a way spiritually uplifting.

In my last report I told you that Squid and my new Eta Beta Pi Brothers were engaging in some ancient infidel ritual called "The Kegger." At first I thought it was yet another on of their silly infidel drinking binges, and I told Squid that I that drinking their infidel alcohol was among the 275,000 actions, objects, and pleasures forbidden by the Taliban.

Squid said that I should "chill out and drink up," but when I restated my belief, using a scimitar for emphasis, he suggested an alternative. He passed me a plastic cup containing something he called Mescal, and a small purple pill with a little letter E engraved on it. Squid said that these were ancient medicines and perfectly acceptable to my beliefs. In fact they might even provide a religious experience.

I turned to Squid and said, "All right my brother, whose Birkenstocks make the dorm room smell like parmesan cheese, I will take your word for it."

I knocked back the mescal and the little purple pill, and I have to admit, Squid was right. I saw Paradise. Standing right before me was a sight I knew was denied me until I reached the gates of Paradise.

Boobies.

Sweet magnificent, bouncy boobies!

This had to be Paradise because I was looking right at one of my promised 72 virgins, naked and glorious, and unlike the past, I had no desire to set her on fire and have her family stoned to death.

She was beautiful, blonde, bosomy American Girl. It surprised me at first that Paradise would stock American virgins. But then I thought about it for a while and remembered how I spent my life surrounded by Afghani virgins, and I didn't see any action at all.

Muslim women aren't exactly free with their favours if you know what I mean.

I approached my virgin, puckered my lips, and got ready to give her a big wet one.

The next thing I knew I was flat on my back, my beard was smouldering, and Squid was telling me something about not licking the frat's new plasma screen while they're watching "Girls Gone Wild," whatever the hell that meant.

I tell you, I never had a heavenly experience like that back in Afghanistan.

Anyway, America is a fascinating country.

What other land can an elected official accuse the people who protect her of being racist, for doing their job?

Where else can a national leader be vilified for "leaking" a document when that leader has the power to declassify and release any document he pleases, especially when those documents prove that his critics are liars?

Where else can respected League of Ivy educational institutions can have the same beliefs as racists, terrorists, and anti-Semites and still be considered liberal?

I've learned so much, and I've got so much more to learn. Let me just say, that Yale is a hell of a lot more fun than any Madrassa I ever attended. Way more visions of Paradise, and less forced buggery.

Not much less, but less, nonetheless.

Gotta go, the pizza's here, it better not have any pork on it, or I'll be forced to slit everyone's throats!

Toodles.

Question Period: Cynthia McKinney

It's time for Question Period, a new feature here where I ask famous people to answer simple questions about the events of the day.

First up, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga-Ga):

1) Why don't you wear your ID badge like everyone else?

2) Why didn't you just turn and show your ID to the guard when he first called out to you?

3) If there really is a racist conspiracy among the Capitol Hill police, why are they targeting a minor wingnut like you, and not any of the more prominent African-American members of Congress or their staff members?

4) If there is a racist conspiracy against you, why didn't the officer just shoot you and plant a throw-away gun on you?

5) If the Capitol Hill Police Officer was black, would you still punch him for touching your arm?

6) Do you realise how silly you look to the rest of the world, I mean come on, you have to have some clue about how big an idiot you come across as, nobody capable of dressing themselves could ignore that?

7) Do you honestly expect any member of the Capitol Hill police to take a bullet for you if Jimmy Joe Jihad was to show up with his AK-47?

Drop me a line Ms. McKinney anytime if you feel like answering any of these questions.