Do You Know What It Means, To Miss The Point About New Orleans?

Hi Folks. I'm all healed up and ready to bring back the high quality of seedy pseudo-journalism you've come to expect from this blog. In case you're living in a cave this week marks the anniversary of hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, and as expected, folks are profiting hugely off the disaster. One of them is director Spike Lee, who tries to make a comback to relevance with his new Democratic Party propaganda piece documentary When The Levees Broke.

Now there's a lot of controversy about Lee's film, so to get to the truth, I've strapped him into the Vox Poplar Steel Lined Tube of Truth for...

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY BY SPIKE LEE

Hi folks.

Looks like I'm generating a lot of controversy with my documentary When The Levees Broke, people are saying I played fast and loose with the facts and some are calling me the 'Black Michael Moore.'

Damn I hate that.

Well, since I can't lie while I'm stuck in this here damn tube of truth, I might as well admit it.

The whole film is a crock.

Star Parker's got my number in her article. I didn't go to Louisiana to look for the truth about what happened last year. I went to make a campaign commercial for the Democrats in the 2006 elections, and I got Time Warner/HBO to foot the bill.

If I had any remote interest in truth I would have brought up Mayor Nagin's incompetence, Governor Blanco's emotional paralysis, Rep. William Jefferson's corruption, and the corruption, incompetence, and mismanagement of the New Orleans Levee commission, but they're all Democrats.

When you're a Hollywood filmmaker like me Democrats are never to blame for anything. Sure Democrats spawned slavery, the KKK, and the Jim Crow segregation laws, but they're not Republicans, and that's what important.

So why should I waste film talking about

-How Nagin ignored his city's own emergency evacuation plans and didn't call for an evacuation until the very last possible minute.

-How Nagin left hundreds of buses to sink, when they could have been used to evacuate people.

-How Governor Blanco refused to make decisions until forced to by President Bush.

-How the federal government's response time actual set a new speed record in the field of disaster relief.

-How the Levee commission spent time and money on non-levee related projects like parks and casino development plans instead of maintaining or upgrading the system.

-How the real problem with the levees wasn't maintenance, but a flawed design from the Kennedy Presidency. I can't blame Kennedy, he's a Democratic Party icon and the only white man I'm allowed to like.

-How the media overhyped stories of violence, causing rescue efforts to be delayed for fear of rampant violence and cannabilism that didn't actually happen.

-How Americans of all races raised hundreds of millions of dollars for New Orleans, or how thousands took evacuees into their homes. That would present a positive view of America, and Spike don't play that game. Better to give some time praising an anti-semitic dictator like Hugo Chavez than admit any racial harmony.

Those stories had to do with the actual facts about Katrina, and you can't win points for Democrats with facts, you need wild accusations and conspiracy theories. That's why I give a nod a wink to those nutcases who claim Bush blew up the levees, much better than admitting the faults of so many of my buddies in the Democratic Party.

It's better to waste film talking about Condoleeza Rice shopping for shoes during the disaster, sure she had nothing to do with disaster relief and getting involved would've violated her role in the Constitution, but those are facts, this is about getting people to vote Democrat.

Besides, I need the work, I've been using the race card like Paris Hilton uses her credit card in a shoe store, and I'm maxed out. Come on, name one movie I made in the past five years without looking me up in the IMDB. Betcha can't do it. So I desperately need the controversy to get my name back out there and some green back in my account. I don't want to wind up directing According To Jim, even I don't deserve that!

Now can I get out of this damn tube?

Hi, I'm Back.

A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM

VOX POPLAR

If you're a regular reader of this blog, then you probably know about a recent falling out between me and a Remulak MoxArgon of the MoxArgon Group.

We tried working together on the making of a satirical film, but we had some disagreements about the budget, which forced me to temporarily abandon my work here and do a little travelling.

I soon learned that I couldn't run away from my troubles, but Remulak, in his infinite alien wisdom, settled our differences without breaking out the laser cannons and the parasitical brain-worms.

I could have gotten away with it if the money was in US dollars and not in Flokian zellnobs.

Anyway, I'd like to conclude by thanking the wonderful and fragrant Remulak MoxArgon, for his wonderful and humane display of mercy, and I'd like to thank Xran for hijacking my blog sitting in for me while I was away.

Now I have to go let my bones knit, be back later...

XRAN'S HOLLYWOOD BEAT 2: A MOMENT OF SHATNER!

Remulak loves comedy roasts and he did participate in this one for William Shatner, but for some reason he was edited out of the show. Something about cruelty to animals, or Andy Dick or something, but who cares. Thanks to the folks at HOT AIR & Youtube, we have these highlights.

A MESSAGE FROM REMULAK MOXARGON

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.

Greetings puny Earthlings. Remulak MoxArgon here with our latest cinematic experiment. After that incident with Vox Poplar's attempt at filmmaking I've decided to do another film, but this time, I did it all by myself.

Okay, maybe not all by myself. The other guys pitched in a little bit. It's a new ad for the Ned Lamont Senate Campaign. I figured he deserved a boost, what with him trailing in the polls and being weak on protecting American lives and all that stuff. So set your faces to stunned, because here's the greatest political ad of all time.

And it didn't cost me a fortune!

PS: I'm still looking for that slippery little Earthling named Vox Poplar. He last seen in a bar in Tijuana, but we lost track of him. Any snitch who helps me catch him and give him the whuppin' he so rightly deserves will earn a special place when I finally get around to conquering Earth.

XRAN'S HOLLYWOOD BEAT

Hi, I'm still hijacking blog-sitting, until Vox Poplar is found and he returns the money he owes Remulak.

Greetings puny Earthlings, Xran here with some interesting news from the planet within a planet that you Earthlings call Hollywood.

It looks like a contingent, led, according to Australian sources, by uber-hottie Nicole Kidman, have decided to dump all the crazy International ANSWER crap that seems to dominate what passes for celebrity thinking these days and do something sensible.

They've dared to declare, publicly no less, that they are against terrorism and for democracy

Now that is shocking news. Celebrities are supposed to be for whatever Republicans are against, and right now that's terrorism and Islamic fascism. But these folks have decided to break from the pack and declare themselves in support of the free societies that have made them wealthy and successful. They'll probably never work in Hollywood again.

Hat tip to Hugh Hewitt for the pic of the ad.

XRAN'S DICTIONARY

Greetings puny Earthling's I'm still hijacking taking care of Vox Poplar's blog while he's on the run travelling. And I've realized that the leaders of Islamic countries and terrorist groups speak a different language than most people, so I've put together a few translations for you simple-minded Earthlings.

XRAN'S ISLAMIC LEADER/ENGLISH DICTIONARY

VICTORY- A condition achieved after getting a royal rectal-reaming by the Israeli army and having guilt-addled westerners save your life through diplomatic pressure. Note: Not in anyway connected to real military victory, because that's impossible in the Islamic World.

CIVILIANS- Non-military personnel who exist solely to provide human shields for rocket launchers, corpses for propaganda, and cover for terrorist operatives.

CHILDREN- An excellent mode of protection for rocket launchers, weapons installations, also an excellent explosive delivery system. Also see CIVILIANS.

WOMEN- See CHILDREN.

OIL- The only thing of value left in the Islamic world, without it, they would have nothing.

Hi Earthlings.

A MESSAGE FROM
XRAN THE FLESHRENDER
OF THE
MOXARGON GROUP

Hello folks, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here posting on a puny Earthling's blog. Well the answer is simple. Vox Poplar, this blog's normal avuncular pundit has ticked off my pal, Intergalactic conqueror and MoxArgon Group host, Remulak MoxArgon over budget overruns for this film:

It looks like he's made a run for it. So, I'm going to step in, posting MoxArgon Group material, as well as my own wonderful brand of punditry, in his stead. It shouldn't be too long, Vox only has one planet to hide on. Good thing Rem's feeling all sorts of brotherly love to his fellow bloggers, he's only going to give him a beating.

See you all soon.

MAHMOUD'S MAD-LIBS

In keeping with the high level of fake-but-accurrate pesudo journalism that you, my legions of fans have come to expect, I've tracked down Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's blog. Now you can go to MEMRI for some sort of 'accurate' and 'reliable' translation, but you'll only find the right level of truthiness here.

Here's a sample:

MAHMOUD'S MAD-LIBS

The rants, raves, & revelations of me, Iran's President, and the coming Mahdi's best friend.

TITLE: SOME DAYS YOU SHOULD JUST STAY IN BED

DATE: AUGUST 12th, 2006. (MAHDI COUNTDOWN- 10 DAYS)

CATEGORY: RANTS

MOOD: GRUMPY

MUSIC: SHAKIRA "HIPS DON'T LIE"

I should be happy. It looks like Israel's going to accept the cease-fire my bitches in the UN are pushing for, so my homies in Hezbollah can catch their breath and declare victory, despite the royal ass-whupping they got. I should be dancing in the air like a teenage girl we just hanged for being a rape victim.

But I'm not.

I'm gonna be on 60 Minutes tomorrow night, which should make me happy. Hell, the fossil Mike Wallace was ready to kiss my hairy patootie in Macy's window because I don't like George W. Bush either. I mean what the sh*t's with that guy Wallace? I ain't as prejudiced against Republicans as he is, and I want to kill them all.

Anyway, I'm just not happy. It's the little things that really stick in my craw. Today, my secretary Fatima put some of that non-dairy creamer crap in my morning coffee when I specifically asked for goat's milk. So I had her right hand cut off.

Now she's cashing in her freaking 'sick time' till the hemmoraging stops, and I can't find any of my freaking files!

How can I destroy western civilisation, human liberty, the Jews, and all those whiny leftards who march in support of me when I can't find the latest freaking budget report!?!

The nuke program's not going so hot either. I've taken to calling our three top scientists Larry, Curly & Moe, because they keep delaying the inevitable genocidal holocaust that will bring back the Mahdi. They are a pack of screw-ups. Come on, how hard can building the Atomic weapons that we're destined to use to kill everyone possibly be?

Oh, well, at least we still have those wonderfully wacky lefties and anti-semites protesting on our behalf. Sure they'll all be killed when I bring my mighty scimitar of fire and torment down upon the world, but they're useful for now.

Oh, crap, Ayatollah Assahola Khamenei is coming, I better post this mutha' and look busy.

Toodles.

These Cats Aren't Worse than Hitler...

...They are Hitler!

Hat tip to friend Furious D who sent me the pics. BAD KITTIES! VERY BAD KITTIES!

Ned Lamont's Real Victory Speech

Hi folks.

My, what a long and strange trip it's been. We managed to defeat a man who has dedicated his life to liberal causes and the Democratic Party, and was once considered worthy of being a Vice President because he wanted to bridge the partisan divide and take a morally courageous stand for democracy.

Well we sure showed him. Like our great sage, prophet and revelator, Michael Moore said: Any Democrat who tries to put partisanship aside and stand up for his country and its allies in wartime will be hounded out of office and the party.

I'd like to take a moment now and thank the people who helped me defeat the evil Joseph Lieberman (that name sure sounds 'foreign'). Wait a second, I've got the list right here....

... I'd like to thank:

1. Left wing bloggers. Especially the ones who say "screw'em" at the sight of his fellow Americans being butchered by Islamic fascists. I'd also like to thank the bloggers who put those pictures of Lieberman in black-face.
   
2. Anti-Semites. Especially those who called Lieberman the "Senator from Israel," your narrow mindedness and anti-Israeli hysteria, put my campaign for the nomination over the top.
3. America Hating Radicals. From the folks who go on hunger strikes that make them gain weight, to 9/11 conspiracy theorists, to professors who call murder victims "Little Eichmanns." You are the future of the Democratic Party, and hopefully of America as well.
4. Al Gore. Your backstabbing treachery was just what my campaign needed. Leiberman may have been good enough to be your peacetime Vice President, but you showed the world that a believer in democractic principles and a strong defence has no place in a wartime senate.
5. The Mainstream Media. Thanks for ignoring my many shortcomings, my hypocrisy, my complete lack of policy ideas beyond impeaching George W. Bush and all those who try to stand up for this country, the rather screwy behaviour of my friends and supporters, and the fact that I represent all the worst aspects of the Democratic Party's lunatic fringe.
   

I've got a lot of work ahead of me. Joe Lieberman's announced that he'll run as an independent, but I think that a spoiled millionaire limousine liberal who is weak on issues of national security, patriotism, foreign affairs, domestic affairs, economics, and holds a hypocritical stand on Wal-Mart & the minimum wage can beat him.

So Vote Lamont for Senate. Because we're gonna need a lot of Moonbats in the Senate if we're gonna cripple the war effort.

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Hi folks, it's me Ned Lamont, lefty-blogger candidate of choice for Senator from Connecticut.

I'm here to make a final pitch for your vote and to tell you just how evil that Joe Leiberman is.

First, Joe Lieberman made a stand to support the action to bring democracy to Iraq, and he's standing by it.

That shows a level of integrity, courage, and testicular fortitude that just doesn't belong in the Democratic Party.

How dare he show courage and patriotism while his country is at war with a violent fascist enemy that has no problem with killing women, children and anyone else that falls under their perpetually outraged wrath?

Now is not the time for courage or patriotism in the face of a violent and cruel enemy. It is a time for appeasement, dissent, vacillation, slandering your own country as well as its democratic allies, and badmouthing big businesses like Wal-Mart, while simultaneously profiting from the practises you claim to condemn, I think that's called hypocrisy, but I'll have to look it up.

And it's also a time for a vigorous McCarthy like purge of all who don't blindly hate Republicans and everything they stand for. They must be cast out if we are to achieve our goal of a politically crippled & militarily neutered America.

So feel free to engage in the sort of racist hate-mongering featured in this picture, and be sure to push that whole Lieberman is Jewish angle,

I'll naturally deny any knowledge or involvement, but that shouldn't be taken as a sign to stop.

So if you want to take a stand against integrity, courage, patriotism, and rock solid liberal Democratic values, vote for me, and be sure to vote often.

Thank you.

This message was paid for by the Rich Left-Wingers & Moonbat Bloggers United For Ned Lamont Association of Hollywood California/Greenwich Connecticut.

You Qana Do More For Me

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY HASSAN NASRALLAH OF HEZBOLLAH

I really should fire my agent.

I could have sworn that I told him that I didn't want to do another one of these Moment of Truth thingies where I can't lie my sweet hairy butt off.

Yet here I am, stuck here forced to tell you all the truth.

Well, might as well get it over with.

I love you westerners.

Not all of you.

I don't care for westerners who defend themselves, are confident in their cultural identity, and especially those pesky Joos.

I hate those folks, and there ain't nuthin' you can do to change my mind on that. It's pretty much set in the rock that is my brain.

The folks I do love are the ones who are currently running around like decapitated capons calling for Israel to back down because some civilians were killed in the Lebanese town of Qana.

Those people, are just so precious, I could just eat them all up.

Oh it's true that a bunch of women and children were killed when an Israeli precision guided bomb blew up one of our rocket launchers.

They aren't asking any pertinent questions, just taking my word for it that it was a deliberate Israeli-orchestrated massacre when the Israelis had about as much responsibility for the deaths of those women and children than the man in the frikkin' moon.

Here are some questions that they should be asking, but aren't:

Why were my homies in Hezbollah firing unguided rockets next to a building full of women and children?

That's obvious, so the Joos would bomb the building and hopefully get us some dead babies to show on TV. Nothing beats dead babies for winning world opinion.

Why were no men killed in this bombing?

Most were either firing rockets at Israeli hospitals and schools, getting their ass kicked by the Israeli Army, or guarding the building so that none of our little martyrs were able to run for their lives.

What happened in the eight hours that reliable evidence shows past between the bombings and the building's collapse?

Oh, I'll never tell. But let's just say that we spent that time making sure we got the best bang for our buck. We had banners to print, camera crews to book, weeping families had to rehearse, and we needed some time to plant just the right amount of explosives. Ooops, I said too much.

Why weren't the women and children placed in one of our underground bunkers instead of in a building out in the open?

Those bunkers are for senior Hezbollah leadership only. Not for stupid civilians. Civilians have one purpose in Southern Lebanon, to provide cannon fodder so the western world will force Israel to stop kicking our butts, and let our masters in Tehran keep their nuke program.

Why weren't the women and children evacuated after the Israelis dropped leaflets, warning of the impending bombing?

Because we wouldn't let them leave. Isn't that pretty obvious. Look up at the other answers for the reason, I don't want to have to repeat myself again.

Now you're probably wondering why isn't the western media asking these questions. And there's a simple explanation. It's easier to crap all over a liberal democracy like Israel, than challenge the statements of a bunch of nihilist terrorist psychopaths like us in Hezbollah. We kill people who don't agree with us, and our masters in Damascus and Tehran, and what's worse for the media, deny all that juicy bombing footage to any media outlet who dares tell the truth about us.

It's the same with the United Nations, there we are launching rockets at Israeli civilians, getting their observers killed, and Kofi Annan still eats our crap and calls it ice cream, because he doesn't want to offend the boy's club of dictators, crooks, and whack-jobs that makes up the UN these days.

So here's to western media, the United Nations, and all those folks who march to support, even though we'd cut their throats if we ever got power over them. Keep up the good work, because as long as there's freedom anywhere, guys like me will get offended.

And when guys like me get offended, we get killing.

And folks like you always blame the free folks.