You Qana Do More For Me

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY HASSAN NASRALLAH OF HEZBOLLAH

I really should fire my agent.

I could have sworn that I told him that I didn't want to do another one of these Moment of Truth thingies where I can't lie my sweet hairy butt off.

Yet here I am, stuck here forced to tell you all the truth.

Well, might as well get it over with.

I love you westerners.

Not all of you.

I don't care for westerners who defend themselves, are confident in their cultural identity, and especially those pesky Joos.

I hate those folks, and there ain't nuthin' you can do to change my mind on that. It's pretty much set in the rock that is my brain.

The folks I do love are the ones who are currently running around like decapitated capons calling for Israel to back down because some civilians were killed in the Lebanese town of Qana.

Those people, are just so precious, I could just eat them all up.

Oh it's true that a bunch of women and children were killed when an Israeli precision guided bomb blew up one of our rocket launchers.

They aren't asking any pertinent questions, just taking my word for it that it was a deliberate Israeli-orchestrated massacre when the Israelis had about as much responsibility for the deaths of those women and children than the man in the frikkin' moon.

Here are some questions that they should be asking, but aren't:

Why were my homies in Hezbollah firing unguided rockets next to a building full of women and children?

That's obvious, so the Joos would bomb the building and hopefully get us some dead babies to show on TV. Nothing beats dead babies for winning world opinion.

Why were no men killed in this bombing?

Most were either firing rockets at Israeli hospitals and schools, getting their ass kicked by the Israeli Army, or guarding the building so that none of our little martyrs were able to run for their lives.

What happened in the eight hours that reliable evidence shows past between the bombings and the building's collapse?

Oh, I'll never tell. But let's just say that we spent that time making sure we got the best bang for our buck. We had banners to print, camera crews to book, weeping families had to rehearse, and we needed some time to plant just the right amount of explosives. Ooops, I said too much.

Why weren't the women and children placed in one of our underground bunkers instead of in a building out in the open?

Those bunkers are for senior Hezbollah leadership only. Not for stupid civilians. Civilians have one purpose in Southern Lebanon, to provide cannon fodder so the western world will force Israel to stop kicking our butts, and let our masters in Tehran keep their nuke program.

Why weren't the women and children evacuated after the Israelis dropped leaflets, warning of the impending bombing?

Because we wouldn't let them leave. Isn't that pretty obvious. Look up at the other answers for the reason, I don't want to have to repeat myself again.

Now you're probably wondering why isn't the western media asking these questions. And there's a simple explanation. It's easier to crap all over a liberal democracy like Israel, than challenge the statements of a bunch of nihilist terrorist psychopaths like us in Hezbollah. We kill people who don't agree with us, and our masters in Damascus and Tehran, and what's worse for the media, deny all that juicy bombing footage to any media outlet who dares tell the truth about us.

It's the same with the United Nations, there we are launching rockets at Israeli civilians, getting their observers killed, and Kofi Annan still eats our crap and calls it ice cream, because he doesn't want to offend the boy's club of dictators, crooks, and whack-jobs that makes up the UN these days.

So here's to western media, the United Nations, and all those folks who march to support, even though we'd cut their throats if we ever got power over them. Keep up the good work, because as long as there's freedom anywhere, guys like me will get offended.

And when guys like me get offended, we get killing.

And folks like you always blame the free folks.