The Assault on Treason Reason

A
PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
ENVIRONMENTAL PROFITEER &
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT

AL GORE

My fellow Democrats and all you folks in flyover country. I am here to warn you of a grave danger that threatens America.

It's not terrorists.

It's not Kim Jong Il and his nuclear bombs.

And for once, it's not Global Warming. Even though that will destroy you all if you do not bow down and worship me!

It's people who are criticizing my new book The Assault on Reason.

All I can say is:

HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!!!

I am Al Gore.

I possess all knowledge.

I can predict the weather of 50 years in the future with 100% accuracy.

I have a freaking Oscar!

I am a GOD compared to you measly little Republican pukes and you dare to use your propaganda machine at Fox News to smear my mighty name.

So what if I play around with a few facts.

So what if I rewrite history about the Clinton administration, of which I was Vice President, believing in Saddam's WMDs as strongly as the Bush Administration.

So what if I make broad claims, mostly devoid of any actual facts. I'm trying to sell myself to the Kos Kids and Soros-suckers who currently control the Democratic Party so I can swoop in and seize the Presidential nomination from the Ice Queen herself, and after that, the White House.

I've already got people worshiping me as some sort of climate mastering deity, so why shouldn't I have the political power to go with it.

Screw Christianity, the Church of Gaia is the new faith, and Al Gore is its prophet.

So what if all my predictions are wrong, and that Earth is now entering a cooling phase, thus turning all my stances on their ear.

The general public will never know.

I've got the media so far up my butt, Katie Couric can tell you the condition of my colon. They accept everything I say as gospel, which it is, and never question my selective editing of history and science in order to sell books and questionable carbon indulgences offsets, making me rich.

All except those fascists at Fox News.

When I am your King President, I will join with the permanent Democratic Majority to pull Fox's license so they will no longer pollute the air with facts, figures, and history.

So accept my rule.

OR ACCEPT YOUR DOOM!

Elizabeth Hasselbee-otch!

An
Excerpt
from the
Personal Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell
(Queen of All Media)

-how dare that blond bimbo breeder
-imply that i dont support the troops
-simply because i keep claiming that
-they kill innocent civilians
-for halliburton
-and bush-hitler
-who was really behind 9/11

-i support the troops
-they r all fascist baby killing scumbags

-google it

-had to play the victim card
-to shut her up
-claiming evil people pick on me
-because Im fat lesbian
-instead of loudmouth limo lefty
-who hates the country that made her rich
-those evil right wingers dont pick on ellen degeneres
-just because shes skinny
-& doesnt hate america

-so what if saddam gave al-qaida
-money
-shelter
-health care
-& violated every clause of the cease-fire
-killed kurds
-killed shia
-threatened neighbors
-he didn't order 9/11
-dick cheney did
-i know the truth

-fire does not melt steel

-FIRE DOES NOT MELT STEEL

-Im the victim here

-hasselback didnt shut up when i started yelling
-how can i bully her if she fights back

-fighting back is wrong

-especially against me
-& terrorists
-terrorist just need hugs
-and amerikkka to sign the kyoto accord
-name hillary our queen
-then peace will come to the world

-i hate this country

-the fact that it allowed someone like me to become rich and famous
-makes me sick

-so dont pick on me
-point out my mistakes
-loony conspiracy theories
-ignorance of world affairs
-or ill say ur picking on me because im a fat lesbian

-elizabeth is the new mccarthy

-evil christian scumbags

-i hate u all

-y dont u luv me?

Bleat The Press

TIM RUSSERT: Good day and welcome to the debut episode of Bleat The Press, where the thoroughly unbiased members of the media, like my co-hosts unbiased journalist and voice of reason Chris Matthews and reknowned expert on science and politics: Rosie O'Donnel, discuss the issues of the week with our panel of unbiased and downright brilliant political leaders.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: They are so great, I was having fits in the dressing room. Tell the folks at home who we got today Chris Matthews.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Joining our bipartisan panel today is Speaker of the House and freelance diplomat Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader and military strategist Harry Reid, and finally a reknowned environmental scientist and statesman, the man who would have prevented America from being the boiling cesspool that it is, if he hadn't had his presidency stolen from him by the Bush-Halliburton conspiracy: President Al Gore. Can I say how great it is for all of you to bless me with your presence.

NANCY PELOSI: It's nothing really.

HARRY REID: It's the least we can do.

AL GORE: It's all part of the greatness that is me.

TIM RUSSERT: I have the first question. What great things would you do if you were President instead of Bush?

NANCY PELOSI: I'd pull out of Iraq and put our support behind real champions of freedom, like Syria and Iran.

HARRY REID: I'd pull the broadcast licenses of all who dare oppose us, like those fascists at Fox News.

AL GORE: I'd make the flowers bloom, the sun shine, and bring peace to the Earth.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: I got the next question. You folks are so nice, why do those Nazis at Fox News want to keep you down?

NANCY PELOSI: Because they're evil.

HARRY REID: They dare to ask us hard questions about John Murtha threatening another representative on the floor of Congress, or Diane Feinstein's appropriations shenanigans, or that we haven't actually accomplished anything since we were elected.

AL GORE: Fox is afraid of me because I speak truth to power. That and they're in the pay of big oil. It's all about big oil.

NANCY PELOSI: It's poor people like Al Gore here are truly suffering because of the Fox News Nazis and their friend on talk radio and the blogs. That's why we want to bring back the fairness doctrine, so we can eliminate such unfettered free speech and leave it to properly unbiased people like you.

HARRY REID: Yeah, those loser Americans waste their time listening to people they like and will not listen to Air America unless we force them by law.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have the next question. What do you hate most about America?

NANCY PELOSI: Christians.

HARRY REID: People who dare challenge my authority to declare wars lost and my right to demoralize our troops in the face of the enemy.

AL GORE: Big oil companies that won't pay me millions for the carbon credits that will wash all their sins away. Can't you hear mother earth screaming?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: You people are all so brilliant, I wish we could spend the whole show with you, and Al Gore, I would like to have your babies. But in the spirit of fairness we have to bring in someone to speak for those evil Republicans. So here is a statement by Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul.

RON PAUL: America is a wretched turd on the blanket of human progress. Bush was responsible for 9/11. America is evil and must be destroyed.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Finally, a Republican not afraid to speak the truth.

RON PAUL: I think I soiled myself. Where am I?

TIM RUSSERT: And now for a heated debate that looks at both sides of the issue is Point-Counterpoint with former President Jimmy Carter and Democratic chairman Howard Dean. Your question today gentlemen is: How bad is George W. Bush?

JIMMY CARTER: George W. Bush is the most vile, evil, and disgusting excuse for a human being that has ever disgraced the White House. When I was president everyone was happy, the economy was strong, the environment was perfect, and there was no such thing as Islamic terrorism. What do you think Howard Dean?

HOWARD DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!

JIMMY CARTER: My point exactly. Back to you Tim Russert.

TIM RUSSERT: And that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my guests and my co-hosts and we'll see you next time.

Tinky Winky On Jerry Falwell's Passing

A
EULOGY
BY
TINKY
WINKY

(Children's Entertainer)




Longtime evangelist, activist and founder of the Moral Majority Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday, and he is mourned by a lot of people.

I am not one of them.

Falwell had the unmitigated balls to call me gay.

ME GAY?

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but what the hell was he smoking?

Sure, I'm purple, but that doesn't mean I'm not all man, if you know what I mean. Hell, once the chicks go purple.... well there isn't a word that rhymes with purple, but you get the picture.

Tinky's winky is strictly for the ladies.

Heck, I think I might have fathered half the kids on our show if the paternity suits are anything to go by.

And his other piece of so-called 'evidence' was his claim that I carried a 'purse.' A goddamn purse?

That is a European carry-all. I keep my condoms, extra pants, little black book (which is quite large), and Hai Karate cologne in there if you really must know. I mean sweet zombie Zeus, it's not like I'm one of those la-dee-da metrosexuals like Dipsy, if his hat doesn't make you suspicious, I don't know what will, or a raging skank like Laa-Laa, or a needy emotional cripple like Po, who likes her schnapps a little too much for a professional. What a pack of bastards they are....

But I digress...

Enough about the late Mr. Falwell's misunderstanding of my personal life, let's move onto some of the other things he's said.

Now I'm as right wing as you can get in the entertainment biz. I'm pro-life and I think Rosie O'Donnell is nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and that Sean Penn should only speak when someone else is writing his lines, and that if someone goes after you with a knife, you go after him with a gun, he puts one of your men in the hospital you put ten of his in the morgue, that's the Chicago way.

However, Falwell's stands have always made me uncomfortable.

He was always a little too quick to blame God for the actions of men and using it to justify his own desire for political power. I mean come on, 9/11 was not God's punishment on the USA, the most Christian country on Earth, it was a crime committed by a bunch of whack-job camel molesters with sand-for brains worshiping a twisted bastardized facsimile of god with a thirst for blood worse than Dracula on a hunger strike.

Falwell did mobilize America's so-called Religious Right, but while many Americans consider themselves 'conservative Christians,' most can best be described as a 'militant middle' who are decidedly uncomfortable with Falwell and his many inflammatory statements.

I often found his remarks did more to mobilize the elitist political-Left in the media and politics than unite the religious right. I don't think Rosie O'Donnell and her 9/11 Truther-Hate America-Hate Christians ilk would be on the air in the MSM if it weren't for Falwell's publicity mongering giving them a false sense of legitimacy as 'rebels' against his so-called 'fundamentalist oppression' and giving some illusion of credence to their prejudices.

And his campaign against people like me, with absolutely false allegations of homosexuality, not only trivialized his work, but distracted people from the more important things, like preserving freedom in the face of creeping political correctness and rampaging Islamofascism.

I should have sued his ass.

Anyway, let's hope the conservative Christian movement finds new leadership that's more concerned with the welfare of people's souls and the preservation of America's Judeo-Christian based culture of freedom, than their own political power.

Bye-bye.

FRED!

Too bad he's leaving Law & Order, because aside from the aesthetic appeal of Milena Govich, he was the only voice of reason in an increasingly unreasonable show.

Here's Fred Thompson's response to Michael "Publicity Whore" Moore's demand for a public debate:

Rosie O'Donnell: They're All In On It!

AN EXCERPT FROM
THE BLOG OF
TV PERSONALITY
ROSIE
O'DONNELL

- giuliani was in on 9/11

- had sent the steel to china

- keep people from finding out that fire dont melt steel

- i know the truth

- thats why THE MAN wants to shut me up

- make me leave the view

- i have proof giuliani in on 9/11

- look at how his name is pronounced

- jew-lee-ani

- its like the davinci code

- jew for his israeli-zionist masters

- lee for robert e lee who was king of the south during the civil war who invented slavery

- ani which rhymes with Annie a musical featuring DADDY WARBUCKS a professional arms dealer and RETHUGLIKKKAN


- all will become clear when i lose the deadwood from the view

- get my own show

-hillary becomes president & pelosi bans free speech of people who call me crazy

-I AM NOT CRAZY!

- Im just smarter than everyone else

-u included

George W. Bush Doesn't Care About White People

A
PAID
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT

BY

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS
Democratic Governor of Kansas

My fellow Democrats and other assorted Kansans.

There are some people, raving fascist types, who are daring to criticize my handling of the tornado that destroyed the town of Greenburg, Kansas where I held back on calling in the National Guard to help people for 2 days while making statements to the press that the Kansas National Guard was undermanned and under-equipped because of the war in Iraq.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't true.

Or accurate.

So what that the Kansas National Guard had over 83,000 men, 393 trucks and 352 Humvees available to help a town of 1,500 people.

I had a political point to make.

I'm a Democrat, and there was a natural disaster in my state. It is my sworn duty as a Democrat to use my constitutional power to withhold needed aid and then lie about it to the press by blaming it on the Bush administration and the Iraq War.

And the press bought it, lock, stock, and barrel because it fits the narrative they want to hear and what they want to propagate.

So what if it isn't true.

My only complaint is that newbie Obama got all those fascist blogger types fact-checking by declaring over 10,000 people died in a town of 1,500.

Rookie mistake.

He has to learn that when selling the press lies about the Bush administration you need to follow some simple guidelines:

-Say nothing the Feds do is right.

-Blame Bush for that.

-Say that there are shortages of men and material even when there isn't one.

-Blame the Iraq War for that.

-Blame Bush for the Iraq War.

-Blame Global Warming.

-Blame Bush for Global Warming.

-Keep your bogus 'Body Counts' within the population of the affected area.

-Blame Bush for the high body counts.

-When real death tolls come out, blame Bush for miscount, but keep repeating the incorrect numbers to the press.

-Blame Bush for that too.

-Rinse.

-Repeat.

28 Neocons Later

I recently saw the preview for the film 28 Weeks Later. It's the sequel to a British horror film called 28 Days Later. With talk of the sequel in the air, I decided to get off my butt and watch the DVD of the original 28 Days Later, and what I found was a very interesting and probably unintentional Neocon allegory.

Don't call me crazy just yet, hear me out, and be careful if you haven't seen the film yet, here there be spoilers.

The premise of the film is that a virus called Rage has wiped out civilization in England and probably the rest of the world.

The virus was safely contained, but was let out by a group of radical animal rights activists. Sort of like Europe's Political Left's welcoming of radical Salafist and Wahabi groups into their countries to and to dominate their Muslim populations. The Political Left, like the animal rights radicals in the film, claim, and may even believe that they're doing the right thing, but instead, they unleash Rage that leads to violence and death.

The people infected with rage are incapable of maintaining the technologically advanced infrastructure of a modern state, and things begin to rapidly fall apart. Sort of like what's happening to countries already under the sway of Salafist/Wahabi leadership that don't have the benefit of being propped up by petro-dollars and foreign expertise.

In 28 Days Later the survivors are woefully unequipped to deal with the outbreak of Rage or even to defend themselves against those who do have it. It kind of reminds me of the European Union's ongoing plans to disarm the populace and making things like self-defense illegal. Heck the survivors in the film don't even see guns until after they meet some soldiers, forcing them to run in terror or struggle with improvised weapons at the arrival of any of the infected when a simple pistol could save lives. The whole film is really a big fat argument against gun control.

And when they meet the soldiers, led by a Major West, who have all the guns, it does not turn out well. They're sequestered in a fortified mansion waiting for the infected to starve, and luring survivors in order to kill the men and keep the women in order to 'repopulate the country.'

Now some may say that it's a pretty harsh statement against the military, and that's probably what the filmmakers intended, but on an allegorical level it says something a little different.

The soldiers struck me as most like the EU's bureaucrats and politicians. Their duty is to protect and serve the nations of Europe, but instead they spend their time making vague bullsh*t promises of having 'the answer' to the problems of the day while their real intention is to get their rocks off at the expense of personal freedom and everything they claim to stand for.

They also match the EUrocrats by justifying their crimes as being for the 'greater good.'

And what's the final image of the movie? The image of hope for tomorrow needed to wrap up the film's fairly grim story?

It's an American military fighter jet.

Yep, no matter how bad things get, those pesky Yanks, who they love to deride, will come to save them.

You can't get more Neocon than that.

A Little Musical Moment

There's been a lotta talk about the riot at MacArthur Park, with fingers being pointed and accusations made on both sides.

So I've decided to unite the two warring sides with song.

It's to the tune of Richard Harris' MacArthur park, sing along if you like.

Cops were there waiting for us, girl
And I clocked one on his head
With a big rock tossed from my own two hands
I could see that the cops were pissed
And ready to beat my ass with iron
I suddenly pissed my woven hemp cargo pants

MacArthur's Park police dogs start to bark
All the LAPD beating down
Rubber bullets coming down like rain
I don't think that I can mend it
'Cause I started it and the cops will end it
And I'll have to run far away again
Oh, no!

The Poplar Report: May Day May Day Hey Day!

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Internet and all her sites in cyberspace, let's go to press:

DATELINE- LOS ANGELES: The fish wrap of record for the City of Angels set their ink stained-phasers to 'smear' today with a story implying that former senator-actor Fred Thompson is a racist for playing a racist on a TV crime show in 1988.

Using the LA Times' logic I hereby demand the arrest of Anthony Hopkins for the murder and cannibalism committed in Silence of the Lambs, Sean Penn locked up for the murders he committed in Dead Man Walking, and Alec Baldwin arrested for being an agent of Kim Jong-Il, as seen in Team America: World Police, and lock up Rosie O'Donnell for unlawful portrayal of a human being.

DATELINE-MILWAUKEE: A controversial leftist radio talk show host is being criticized for saying that he was 'glad' that the mother of a rival talk show host died in a fire. Now I have to tell those critics that Michael McGee is African-American, a professional race-baiter, and left wing, so anyone who criticizes him, or challenges his statements, logic, or decency, is a racist.

He sure does have a face made for radio, doesn't he? I get the feeling that Mr. McGee is a regular Mr. Magoo when he's looking for the old shampoo bottle.

DATELINE-CYBERSPACE: Some brainbox at the Huffington Post decided to think aloud about the possibility of Paul Wolfowitz's lady friend, Shaha Riza is a spy because she was born in Libya and raised in Saudi Arabia. All I have to say is:

STEVE CLEMONS IS A RACIAL PROFILING RACIST!

If he acts like one, by calling a woman with a lifetime dedicated to public service and human rights a spy for dictators on the basis of her ethnicity, then he deserves to be called one.

That's all for tonight folks, good night, good luck, and good grief.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #6

It's that time of the week again.

Time to pick some special person to be this blog's DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK!

This week's been an embarrassment of riches in the douchebag department so I'm going to hand it out willy nilly.

First up....

GEORGE TENET

Took a career at the CIA defined by failure, incompetence, and a complete lack of foresight and imagination, and managed to redefine himself as a hero to the media, all because he's now attacking the Bush administration.

Way to show loyalty there Mr. Tenet.

Next up...

CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS

Yep, all of them. From writing wartime budgets openly calling for the surrender of a nation to the whims of genocidal maniacs, to openly supporting the enemies of democracy by decrying the war effort as "lost"...

To trekking off to make kissy face with mass murdering tyrants in blatant violation of the constitution, the Logan Act, and basic American decency...
To covering up a corruption scandal that makes Randy "Duke" Cunningham look like a shoplifter at a five and dime.

And all to score political points and please their big-money masters, aided by an obedient and dimwitted media.

You really are...

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

The Reports of My Death....

A
SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
ABU AYYUB AL-MASRI
(Grand Poobah of Al Qaida in Iraq)

Hi, y'all.

It's me, Abu Al-Masri, AKA Abu Hamza, AKA the best friend the Democrats have in Iraq.

Now there have been reports going around that I've died, passed on, slipped the surly bonds of Earth, rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. Other reports won't say if I'm alive or dead.

Well let me clear this up.

I don't know.

There was some violence the other day. Angry words were said, folks insulted the mothers of other folks, shots were fired and then someone started slinging the bombs. Now I'm not sure if I'm alive or dead, or what.

I don't think Heaven's supposed to be this hot, but it could just be that Global Warming Al Gore is always jabbering about. Plus, I don't see my 72 virgins, so I'm guessing that I'm probably still alive, but I'm not so sure. I feel kinda funny.

Now the violence that put me in my present confused state was sparked by a little misunderstanding between my posse in Al Qaida and some of the local Sunni homeboys. It seems the locals don't care for all the civilian killing me and my boys are doing. They also don't like the swag I've been scoring from the dude who's turning into Iran's answer to Richard Gere. Something about them being Shi'a paying us to kill Sunni and other Shi'a, blah-blah-blah and all that.

I mean they're being really dim here. I mean we're Al Qaida, what else could anyone expect from us. Our entire purpose is to kill and kill and to keep killing until we rule the world and save it from the obscenity of putting cucumbers next to tomatoes.

They shouldn't be turning on us just because we kill their people. It's all part of the game, and they should be happy for all the free martyrs we're making.

But you just can't please some people.

I bet you think it's easy being me. Well let me tell you buddy, it ain't. I gotta lotta stress with this gig. I gotta keep the bombs and bombers running 24/7 and, depsite what the press say, it's getting harder and harder to recruit people willing to blast themselves into putty for the cause.

And it's not like I can rely on my 'allies' either. Both Syria's Asshat Assad and Iran's Ahmadinejad are hanging by threads as they're people are starting to wonder why they're pissing away all that oil money. Both would gladly sell me and my pals out if it could save their own asses.

I mean, come on, it's turning out that the only people I can trust to watch my back are Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. They're the only ones who will stand by me, demand America's surrender, and crown me as the Caliph of Iraq.

Of course, they're only doing it to try to win over the Daily Kos/HuffPo crowd, but buggers can't be choosers. Isn't that how the saying goes?

Anyway, I gotta go figure out if I'm alive or dead.

Damn it's hot.