Mad Max Mel Runs Amok

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY BY

MEL GIBSON

Hi folks.

I'd like to say that I'm sorry.

And I'm an idiot.

I'm a sorry idiot.

A sorry, drunken idiot.

A fat sorry, drunk, egomaniacal, Hollywood idiot with an ugly beard and a bloated sense of self-importance.

Man, when I was told that I wouldn't be able to lie in this blog they weren't kidding. I'm okay with the whole honesty being the best policy thang, but this might be a case of too much honesty. I am trying to save my freaking career here.

Anwhoo.

I'm sorry for being an idiotic drunk driver, and I'm sorry, especially for the anti-Semitism.

What can I say, I'm not the brightest button on the shirt and I'm easily influenced. First by my Dad, I love him to death, but even I have to admit that he's nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and now by my Hollywood friends.

You see, in Hollywood Anti-Semitism is hot.

Oops, sorry...

I keep forgetting that the correct term is Anti-Zionism.

You see all my Hollywood friends call themselves Anti-Zionist, but I can't tell the difference.

Maybe you can explain it to me.

You see my Dad's an Anti-Semite, that's pretty obvious, he thinks all the world's problems are caused by Jews, who also conspire to conquer the world, and that the world would be better off if they were destroyed.

Anti-Zionists think all the world's problems are caused by the Jewish State of Israel, that the Jewish State of Israel conspires to start wars in partnership with American corporations, and that the world would be better off if the Jewish State were destroyed.

WHAT'S THE FRIKKIN' DIFFERENCE?

It's driving me crazier than a kangaroo in the headlights of a speeding lorry.

And the thing that really sticks in my wallaby is that people make idiotic statements like the ones I made the other night, without the benefit of alcohol, and are called "liberal" and "progressive." I shoot my drunken idiot mouth off with the exact same garbage, and suddenly I'm a racist.

Hell, if you knew how many folks in Hollywood think 9/11 was an inside job committed by Bush, Israel, and Halliburton, your hair would turn white from shock, or disgust.

But are they being publicly spanked by the press like me?

No, because they couch everything in terms that make it sound like Bush's fault. That makes them wonderful, I made a religious movie, already a Hollywood no-no, and then I went and said to a cop, stuff other celebs save for dinner parties or the kind of liberal blogs that only other celebs read, which is as big a no-no as getting fat in this town.

This is just too much to think about, expecially after you've had twelve cans of Fosters for breakfast.

I should have just said "Bush" instead of "Jews" then I'd be a frikkin' hero.

Damn it, I need a nap.

The Middle East's Got Talent!

Hello, I'm Simon Cowell and welcome to THE MIDDLE EAST'S GOT TALENT. Yes, another one of these dreadfully tedious displays of the talentless and moronic that you Yanks seem to lap up like the salivating mongrels that you are, here's are first act, former Dictator of Iraq Saddam Hussein.

Dang me,

Dang me,

They're gonna git a rope and hang me

Hang me from the highest treeeeeeee....

That's why I'm goin' hungry.

Well, Saddam, that was truly, truly, pathetic. Even if you hadn't of been responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths, I'd hang you for that dreadful performance. Now get out of my sight! You make me want to retch. Up next is, and this is just precious, Omar Bakri formerly of London and soon to be formerly of Beirut.

I gotta get out of this place!

If it's the last thing I ever do!

I gotta get out of this place!

Or I'm gonna get my ass kicked, by them Jooooos!

Omar Bakri, your snivelling hypocrisy and cowardice makes me sick to my stomach. First you run away like a chicken with its nards cut off from Britain because they won't take your hate mongering crap and call it ice cream anymore, but when the cold hard reality of being an anti-semitic arse-hole becomes painfully clear, you cry like a mewling little baby for Momma Infidel England to pick you up, change your nappy, and kiss your boo-boos better. Go someplace and choke on your own hatred and ignorance. Better yet, go martyr yourself on something sharp and rusty. The world will better off for it.

Our next act is Hassan Nasrallah of Lebanon.

STOP! In the name of Allah!

Even though I staaarted it!

If you don't stop today!

I'll throw more babies in your way!

Absolutely dreadful. You make testicular cancer more appealing than that performance, and I'm not just talking about the singing. You're the lowest excuse for a human being that I've ever encountered, and I'm in show business. Your entire life is based on hate and playing bumboy for Syria and Iran. You've done nothing but create pain and misery, mostly for your own people and you start and perpetuate wars for your own aggrandizement. The only positive thing that I can think of about your worthless existence is that the Israelis will make it mercifully short. Now go away.

Up next is President Mahmoud Achmadinejad of Iran. This should be a complete bollocks.

Please appease me...

Let me go...

On supporting terrorists...

With great aplomb...

While I build an A-bomb...

That performance was a weapon of mass destruction all by itself. I wouldn't elect a delusional cracker-arsed goon as dog-catcher, let alone president of anything. Here's a question: If your culture is so great, how come it didn't invent the A-Bomb first, but is instead reliant on second and third hand technology? No need for a response, partially because I fear it might take the form of another dreadful song, and partially because we all know the answer. Now get out, this reality show is officially cancelled!

HEZBOLLAH'S-A-POPPIN!

A
MOMENT OF TRUTH
COMMENTARY
BY
HASSAN NASRALLAH
SECRETARY GENERAL OF HEZBOLLAH

Hi y'all it's me, raconteur, bon-vivant, and Hassan Nasrallah, the Secretary General of Hezbollah, the only party west of Tehran softer on terrorism than the Democrats.

Oops.

Jumpin' jiminy jihad!

When Vox Poplar told me that I'd be unable to lie in this the inaugural Moment of Truth Commentary, I thought he was just jerkin' my gherkin, but I was wrong.

What can I say without lying?

I am a politician after all, don't let the robes and the holy man talk fool you.

Damn it.

I'm feeling all compelled to talk about what's been happening lately in Lebanon and I'm feeling all compelled to tell the truth about it.

Oh crap.

I saw a report out of Canada about a family of Lebanese-Canadians who lost 8 members of their family during the Israeli shelling of one of our missile launchers. A female relative said that she blamed Israel for their deaths because Hezbollah, namely me, was their "protector."

I don't want to belittle the poor woman's tragedy, but I thank Allah everyday that there are people that stupid in the world, because without them, I'd be out on my hairy butt.

Allow me to explain this in very simple terms.

Hezbollah is not your protector. Do protectors put missile launchers in the middle of residential areas to use the women and children as human shields?

The answer is no.

Only violent nihilist scumbags use women and children as human shields, and that's us to a tee. Look at who we're willing to trade the kidnapped soldiers for, if that doesn't convince you, you're thicker than two bricks and half as smart.

The Israelis are not the aggressors here. We are. Plain and simple. You see Hezbollah is not some kind of Lebanese resistance group, no one is occupying us anymore. Instead we're the bumboys of the Ayatollahs of Iran and we serve at their beck and call.

This is how it works.

Iran wants nukes. Nobody sane wants Iran to have nukes, so they need something to distract the world from them. First they get Hamas to attack Israel and kidnap that poor kid, which Hamas was willing to do, because the Palestinian people were finally figuring out that they couldn't organize a shag in a brothel, let alone a government.

Israel responded the way anyone facing anhialation would, they kicked ass and took names.

However, that's not enough for those Ayatollahs and their Whack-job in Chief, so they called us, and we were only too glad to help even though it meant massive suffering of people in Southern Lebanon.

Why would you want to do that? you ask.

The answer is simple.

Lebanon had gotten rid of the Syrians and was starting to get a taste of the good life again.

We can't have that.

People living happy lives aren't going to blow themselves up for Allah and 77 virgins, instead they're going to waste their time raising families, enjoying free arts, and working at jobs.

If there's one thing Hezbollah, namely me, cannot stand for, it's happy people.

So remember folks, denounce Israel, even though they're right, because I need all the idiots I can get to stand between me and the royal ass-kicking I so desperately deserve.

Sheesh. Can I end this now and go back to lying my butt off again?

Don't Plame Me, I Didn't Do It!

VOX POPLAR- As you read this, the Middle East is on fire as Israel retaliates over kidnappings and missile attacks perpetrated by Hezbollah and Hamas. This has put the world on the brink of global war. However, since I'm looking to be more like the mainstream media I'm going to flog a dead horse. Joining me today is Valerie Plame and her husband Joe Wilson about their new lawsuit welcome to my blog.

VALERIE PLAME- I'm very happy to be here.

JOE WILSON- Thanks for having us. It's been 24 hours since our last interview and we've been going through withdrawal.

VALERIE PLAME- That's my Joey-bear, always gets the yips when nobody's paying him any attention.

VOX POPLAR- Let's cut to the chase. You've filed a lawsuit against Vice President Dick Cheney, aide Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby over your supposed outing as a CIA employee. Why don't you tell the one or two people who read this blog why?

VALERIE PLAME- The answer is simple. Fitzmas didn't come.

VOX POPLAR- You mean the supposed indictments of senior Bush administration officials by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald?

JOE WILSON- Exactly. We demanded that Karl Rove be frog-marched out of the White House in handcuffs, and the bastard Fitzgerald said he wasn't going to prosecute.

VALERIE PLAME- All because he didn't do anything wrong. What kind of lame excuse is that?

JOE WILSON- Couldn't he get enough Democrats on the Grand Jury to shove an indictment through? What's the point of having a special prosecutor if he can't imprison someone for no good reason?

VOX POPLAR- What has your exposure as a CIA agent cost you Mrs. Plame?

VALERIE PLAME- For one thing a $2.5 million book deal with Crown, that's one thing.

JOE WILSON- Yeah and my book's sitting in the remainder bin, selling for $1.99 a pound. We need this lawsuit.

VALERIE PLAME- Damn right. Simon & Schuster will only pay the big bucks if I get a trial.

VOX POPLAR- So that's the real reason for the lawsuit, to salvage your new book deal.

VALERIE PLAME- Yes.

JOE WILSON- We've developed a taste for the best and the best don't come cheap!

VOX POPLAR- So it has nothing to do with a White House conspiracy blowing your cover?

VALERIE PLAME- Nope. We need the trial to provide a big climax for the narrative, if we get an all Daily Kos reading jury and win, it'll be a triumph, if we lose, we'll be martyrs for the vast neo-con conspiracy. I mean who outside the media really believes I was some sort of undercover spy? You'd have to be a complete moron to miss the fact that the Russians blew my cover a decade ago, and that's why I was working as an analyst.

JOE WILSON- And only someone with brain damage would believe my half-assed story about Niger when I keep changing it to suit whatever my buddies in the Democratic Party want. How could blowing my wife's cover discredit me? I think I've already discredited myself pretty thoroughly.

VALERIE PLAME- And it's not like everyone didn't already know that worked in the CIA, hell Joe was bragging about it to anyone who would listen.

JOE WILSON- What can I say, I'm proud of her.

VOX POPLAR- Wow. I never expected such honesty from you two. So what do you two think about the growing evidence of some sort of CIA conspiracy against the Bush Administration?

VALERIE PLAME- The CIA has to conspire against someone. And since we're so bad at conspiring against America's enemies, we figured we'd try to knock down people who are defending America. I mean they are Republicans, eeewww.

VOX POPLAR- But there's a war going on. Don't you think it's irresponsible, if not downright dangerous for the CIA to subvert the American government?

JOE WILSON- We're Democrats, being irresponsible with national security is the only thing left that we're good at.

VALERIE PLAME- Don't try to take that away from us, we're already in talks to get Reese Witherspoon to play me in movie version.

VOX POPLAR- I think we better wrap this up. Goodbye, and good riddance.

Bend it like Zidane

Who says you can't learn from athletes. Here are some whacky Austrians following the example of head-butting soccer star Zidane.

1 on 1 with Deb Frisch

Artist's Conception of Professor Deb Frisch

VOX POPLAR- The blogosphere had the equivalent of a massive class-seven conniption fit over now former adjunct professor of Psychology for the University of Arizona, Deb Frisch and her hobby of threatening the child of Protein Wisdom blogger Jeff Goldstein. As a fake journalist it's my sacred duty to get to the heart of the story, the eye of the storm, the rich creamy nougat center of the truth. So here's a fake but accurate interview with Professor Deb Frisch. Welcome Professor Frisch.

DEB FRISCH- It's good to be here you fascist pig. I'm gonna grab your children and bake them into pies!

VOX POPLAR- Ookay. I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't have any children for you to threaten.

DEB FRISCH- Oh. Where's the fun in that?

VOX POPLAR- Let's get to the issue at hand...

DEB FRISCH- Absolutely those fascist stormtroopers have no right to complain about me to everyone, just because I threatened a two year old with rape and murder. They make me so mad I could just round up their children and grind their bones to make me bread!

VOX POPLAR- That's not the issue. The issue at hand is your tendency to threaten sexual abuse and horrible death on the children of people with whom you disagree about politics. What makes you think you can get away with that?

DEB FRISCH- I am an academic! That means I'm right about everything, whether it's about Ward Churchill being the greatest genius since Gandhi , 9/11 being perpetrated by the Joos and the oil companies, or about how the children of politically conservative people need to be boiled alive in oil!

VOX POPLAR- Being an academic is not an excuse for just plain unhinged behavior. What would your reaction be if a politically conservative person threatened someone you loved?

DEB FRISCH- That would be the worst atrocity committed against humanity since the Holocaust. Anyone who does that deserves to have their children roasted on spits, with paprika, thyme, and mint sauce!

VOX POPLAR- But it's okay when you do it?

DEB FRISCH- That's what I've been saying. Conservatives are not human. Like fetuses, patriotic people, and folks who think the sun doesn't shine out of the crack of Michael Moore's ass.

VOX POPLAR- What would be your reaction if conservatives started de-humanizing liberals?

DEB FRISCH- Conservatives don't have the right to de-humanize anyone, that right belongs exclusively to liberals, left-wing academics and Islamic fundamentalists. Anyone tries to de-humanize me deserves to get his nostrils raped while swarthy men turn their children into teriyaki stir-fry. Besides, it's not like I said any of those things.

VOX POPLAR- What?

DEB FRISCH- I didn't say any of those things. The Goldstein fellow faked the whole thing as part of a vast right-wing conspiracy! I'm the victim and the people against me should have their children's livers fried and served with fava beans and a nice chianti!!

VOX POPLAR- But you admitted to it on your own blog, and other bloggers recorded what you said, and besides, Goldstein couldn't have faked the comments because he couldn't access his own blog, thanks to the denial of service attacks your liberal allies have sent after him. How do you explain this complete and utter separation from reality?

DEB FRISCH- Duh, I'm a left wing college professor.

VOX POPLAR- That explains a lot. Thanks for dropping by, now get the hell out of my sight before I get a bucket of water.

Roasted Frank in a Bun

Today we salute a man who has set the example for others in the blogosphere, a cautionary example, but an example nonetheless.

I'm talking about Frank J. the heart, soul, and colon of IMAO.US.

IMAO is the website whose very existence argues for the elimination of the Internet.

It's the site that fills Al Gore with regret for inventing the damn thing in the first place.

But seriously folks.

He's a wonderful fellow, world renowned for his punchy humour style, his punchy punching style, and for his girly crying style when his feelings get hurt.

He's provided a wonderful service to the World Wide Web. Without him, who would the makers of transsexual Romanian midget goat porn look down on?

Also, without him, who would annoy liberals on days when Anne Coulter is on vacation?

Where would we be without Frank J?

Let's find out.

Happy 4th Anniversary IMAO. Keep on truckin!

Truth Justice & The Hollywood Way

A
Special Guest
Commentary

by

SUPERMAN

Hello people of Earth, it's me, your protector and symbol of all that's right in the world Superman.

Now I'm sure a lot of people have seen the new movie Superman Returns, but not as many people as the Warner Bros. would have liked. Apparently it's falling just shy of their great expectations.

Gee, I wonder why?

Could it be over what those whiny soft-headed bleeding-heart liberal Hollywood turd-munchers have done to me!?!

Sorry for the language there folks, it's more fitting for Batman after he's had a few brewskies in the Batcave, but these movie folks are really starting to piss me off.

They took my slogan "Truth, Justice & the American Way," and replaced it with "Truth, Justice & All That Stuff."

WTF?

That's my slogan! It's been my slogan for over 70 freaking years. What gives a pack of snot-nosed Hollywood brats the right to fiddle around what been working great for longer than their grandpas have had pubes!

The snot-nosers said they dropped "The American Way" because I'm an alien and not really an American.

Bullshit!

They just didn't want to offend the intellectards in Europe and the Middle East, who find all positive references to democracy's strongest home "offensive." We're all for terrorism and burning women and children to death, but don't you dare hold up America as some sort of ideal simply because it's a free and democratic country.

Well let me give it to you straight you pack of effete SUV driving John Kerry voting pseudo-intellectual snotwads. The kind of people who are offended by a nation that has free elections, a free press, and refuses to murder women, ethnic & religious minorities, and homosexuals, are not the kind of people who will put down the spondoolix to see a movie about me.

And as for me not being a "Real American."

I'm an immigrant, I came to America from Krypton, via Toronto, and as a true immigrant I have fully embraced ideals and standards of my adopted home. None of that "USA is evil-multi-culti" bullshit for me, I jumped in the melting pot and I started swimming like Aquaman on a meth binge. So anyone who says I'm not a real American is not only an idiot, but a bigot, and better have some Kryptonite handy, or they just might get themselves a heaping helping of good old American whup-ass with a side order of pain.

Not even Lex Frikkin' Luthor has had the cojones to question my status as an American!

So put "The American Way" back in Superman. It's not only the right thing to do; it's the smart thing to do. America will thank you by buying more tickets, and in the end the world will thank you because everybody needs a little of the American Way coming their way.

Don't make me come down there.