Hello people of Earth, it's me, your protector and symbol of all that's right in the world Superman.
Now I'm sure a lot of people have seen the new movie Superman Returns, but not as many people as the Warner Bros. would have liked. Apparently it's falling just shy of their great expectations.
Gee, I wonder why?
Could it be over what those whiny soft-headed bleeding-heart liberal Hollywood turd-munchers have done to me!?!
Sorry for the language there folks, it's more fitting for Batman after he's had a few brewskies in the Batcave, but these movie folks are really starting to piss me off.
They took my slogan "Truth, Justice & the American Way," and replaced it with "Truth, Justice & All That Stuff."
That's my slogan! It's been my slogan for over 70 freaking years. What gives a pack of snot-nosed Hollywood brats the right to fiddle around what been working great for longer than their grandpas have had pubes!
The snot-nosers said they dropped "The American Way" because I'm an alien and not really an American.
They just didn't want to offend the intellectards in Europe and the Middle East, who find all positive references to democracy's strongest home "offensive." We're all for terrorism and burning women and children to death, but don't you dare hold up America as some sort of ideal simply because it's a free and democratic country.
Well let me give it to you straight you pack of effete SUV driving John Kerry voting pseudo-intellectual snotwads. The kind of people who are offended by a nation that has free elections, a free press, and refuses to murder women, ethnic & religious minorities, and homosexuals, are not the kind of people who will put down the spondoolix to see a movie about me.
And as for me not being a "Real American."
I'm an immigrant, I came to America from Krypton, via Toronto, and as a true immigrant I have fully embraced ideals and standards of my adopted home. None of that "USA is evil-multi-culti" bullshit for me, I jumped in the melting pot and I started swimming like Aquaman on a meth binge. So anyone who says I'm not a real American is not only an idiot, but a bigot, and better have some Kryptonite handy, or they just might get themselves a heaping helping of good old American whup-ass with a side order of pain.
Not even Lex Frikkin' Luthor has had the cojones to question my status as an American!
So put "The American Way" back in Superman. It's not only the right thing to do; it's the smart thing to do. America will thank you by buying more tickets, and in the end the world will thank you because everybody needs a little of the American Way coming their way.
Don't make me come down there.