Don't Plame Me, I Didn't Do It!

VOX POPLAR- As you read this, the Middle East is on fire as Israel retaliates over kidnappings and missile attacks perpetrated by Hezbollah and Hamas. This has put the world on the brink of global war. However, since I'm looking to be more like the mainstream media I'm going to flog a dead horse. Joining me today is Valerie Plame and her husband Joe Wilson about their new lawsuit welcome to my blog.

VALERIE PLAME- I'm very happy to be here.

JOE WILSON- Thanks for having us. It's been 24 hours since our last interview and we've been going through withdrawal.

VALERIE PLAME- That's my Joey-bear, always gets the yips when nobody's paying him any attention.

VOX POPLAR- Let's cut to the chase. You've filed a lawsuit against Vice President Dick Cheney, aide Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby over your supposed outing as a CIA employee. Why don't you tell the one or two people who read this blog why?

VALERIE PLAME- The answer is simple. Fitzmas didn't come.

VOX POPLAR- You mean the supposed indictments of senior Bush administration officials by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald?

JOE WILSON- Exactly. We demanded that Karl Rove be frog-marched out of the White House in handcuffs, and the bastard Fitzgerald said he wasn't going to prosecute.

VALERIE PLAME- All because he didn't do anything wrong. What kind of lame excuse is that?

JOE WILSON- Couldn't he get enough Democrats on the Grand Jury to shove an indictment through? What's the point of having a special prosecutor if he can't imprison someone for no good reason?

VOX POPLAR- What has your exposure as a CIA agent cost you Mrs. Plame?

VALERIE PLAME- For one thing a $2.5 million book deal with Crown, that's one thing.

JOE WILSON- Yeah and my book's sitting in the remainder bin, selling for $1.99 a pound. We need this lawsuit.

VALERIE PLAME- Damn right. Simon & Schuster will only pay the big bucks if I get a trial.

VOX POPLAR- So that's the real reason for the lawsuit, to salvage your new book deal.

VALERIE PLAME- Yes.

JOE WILSON- We've developed a taste for the best and the best don't come cheap!

VOX POPLAR- So it has nothing to do with a White House conspiracy blowing your cover?

VALERIE PLAME- Nope. We need the trial to provide a big climax for the narrative, if we get an all Daily Kos reading jury and win, it'll be a triumph, if we lose, we'll be martyrs for the vast neo-con conspiracy. I mean who outside the media really believes I was some sort of undercover spy? You'd have to be a complete moron to miss the fact that the Russians blew my cover a decade ago, and that's why I was working as an analyst.

JOE WILSON- And only someone with brain damage would believe my half-assed story about Niger when I keep changing it to suit whatever my buddies in the Democratic Party want. How could blowing my wife's cover discredit me? I think I've already discredited myself pretty thoroughly.

VALERIE PLAME- And it's not like everyone didn't already know that worked in the CIA, hell Joe was bragging about it to anyone who would listen.

JOE WILSON- What can I say, I'm proud of her.

VOX POPLAR- Wow. I never expected such honesty from you two. So what do you two think about the growing evidence of some sort of CIA conspiracy against the Bush Administration?

VALERIE PLAME- The CIA has to conspire against someone. And since we're so bad at conspiring against America's enemies, we figured we'd try to knock down people who are defending America. I mean they are Republicans, eeewww.

VOX POPLAR- But there's a war going on. Don't you think it's irresponsible, if not downright dangerous for the CIA to subvert the American government?

JOE WILSON- We're Democrats, being irresponsible with national security is the only thing left that we're good at.

VALERIE PLAME- Don't try to take that away from us, we're already in talks to get Reese Witherspoon to play me in movie version.

VOX POPLAR- I think we better wrap this up. Goodbye, and good riddance.