Dem Joos Mean Business!

A Special Guest Commentary
by Ismail Haniyeh
Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority

Hi folks, how's it hanging?

I don't mean to be a griper, but things ain't all that warm and fuzzy here on the ranch. First my homies in Hamas kidnapped that Jewish soldier, just a kid really, and started threatening to kill him if a bunch of Palestinians aren't released from Israeli prisons.

Boy oh boy, that move really screwed the camel.

Now I got tanks on my streets, half my cabinet's been taken prisoner by the Israelis and they're going around telling folks that if Hamas doesn't release that kid they swiped, they're going to smoke me like a pound of pastrami.

And to prove their point, to show everyone that they're sincere in their little message, they blew the absolute living crap out of my office!

They blew up my desk, my files, and my collection of Hagar The Horrible comic strips.

The bastards!

I mean what kind of people deliberately target the elected leaders of a people for assassination over a simple political disagreement?Aside from the New York Times.

Now what's left of my government is hiding in my cousin Achmed's basement literally caught between a rock and a hard place.

If we give the kid back to the Israelis, we'll look weak to our terrorist brethren. If we don't the Israelis are going to blast my ass into falafel, and I like my ass where it is, it's comfortable to sit on.

That's what drives me nuts about these Israelis, they don't observe the rules of an Arab society. I'm the leader, Arab leaders don't get martyred, they send others to be martyred, it's the whole foundation of society in the Middle East. Of course they don't believe that with all their democracy, and freedom crap.

Oh man, unless France does something to save my butt, I am so screwed.