Hi y'all it's me, raconteur, bon-vivant, and Hassan Nasrallah, the Secretary General of Hezbollah, the only party west of Tehran softer on terrorism than the Democrats.


Jumpin' jiminy jihad!

When Vox Poplar told me that I'd be unable to lie in this the inaugural Moment of Truth Commentary, I thought he was just jerkin' my gherkin, but I was wrong.

What can I say without lying?

I am a politician after all, don't let the robes and the holy man talk fool you.

Damn it.

I'm feeling all compelled to talk about what's been happening lately in Lebanon and I'm feeling all compelled to tell the truth about it.

Oh crap.

I saw a report out of Canada about a family of Lebanese-Canadians who lost 8 members of their family during the Israeli shelling of one of our missile launchers. A female relative said that she blamed Israel for their deaths because Hezbollah, namely me, was their "protector."

I don't want to belittle the poor woman's tragedy, but I thank Allah everyday that there are people that stupid in the world, because without them, I'd be out on my hairy butt.

Allow me to explain this in very simple terms.

Hezbollah is not your protector. Do protectors put missile launchers in the middle of residential areas to use the women and children as human shields?

The answer is no.

Only violent nihilist scumbags use women and children as human shields, and that's us to a tee. Look at who we're willing to trade the kidnapped soldiers for, if that doesn't convince you, you're thicker than two bricks and half as smart.

The Israelis are not the aggressors here. We are. Plain and simple. You see Hezbollah is not some kind of Lebanese resistance group, no one is occupying us anymore. Instead we're the bumboys of the Ayatollahs of Iran and we serve at their beck and call.

This is how it works.

Iran wants nukes. Nobody sane wants Iran to have nukes, so they need something to distract the world from them. First they get Hamas to attack Israel and kidnap that poor kid, which Hamas was willing to do, because the Palestinian people were finally figuring out that they couldn't organize a shag in a brothel, let alone a government.

Israel responded the way anyone facing anhialation would, they kicked ass and took names.

However, that's not enough for those Ayatollahs and their Whack-job in Chief, so they called us, and we were only too glad to help even though it meant massive suffering of people in Southern Lebanon.

Why would you want to do that? you ask.

The answer is simple.

Lebanon had gotten rid of the Syrians and was starting to get a taste of the good life again.

We can't have that.

People living happy lives aren't going to blow themselves up for Allah and 77 virgins, instead they're going to waste their time raising families, enjoying free arts, and working at jobs.

If there's one thing Hezbollah, namely me, cannot stand for, it's happy people.

So remember folks, denounce Israel, even though they're right, because I need all the idiots I can get to stand between me and the royal ass-kicking I so desperately deserve.

Sheesh. Can I end this now and go back to lying my butt off again?

1 comment:

mb said...

I refer to them as 'Hezboner', so your caption of "Hezbollah's-A- Poppin!" seems rather fitting. However, except for the fact that Karalla’s wang is most assuredly permanently limp as a wet grape leaf and if he ever did pop one you'd need tweezers and a magnifying glass to see it. Just like John Edwards carries a woman’s compact wherever he goes Nasrallah carries a tweezer 'tool'-kit wherever he goes. Vox, you are funny as hell. Glad I stumbled onto your blog as I know the likes of Slick Willy and ex co-president Slickery Rotten would have you banned from Al 'Icky' Gore's internet. Keep up the good work!!