The Middle East's Got Talent!

Hello, I'm Simon Cowell and welcome to THE MIDDLE EAST'S GOT TALENT. Yes, another one of these dreadfully tedious displays of the talentless and moronic that you Yanks seem to lap up like the salivating mongrels that you are, here's are first act, former Dictator of Iraq Saddam Hussein.

Dang me,

Dang me,

They're gonna git a rope and hang me

Hang me from the highest treeeeeeee....

That's why I'm goin' hungry.

Well, Saddam, that was truly, truly, pathetic. Even if you hadn't of been responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths, I'd hang you for that dreadful performance. Now get out of my sight! You make me want to retch. Up next is, and this is just precious, Omar Bakri formerly of London and soon to be formerly of Beirut.

I gotta get out of this place!

If it's the last thing I ever do!

I gotta get out of this place!

Or I'm gonna get my ass kicked, by them Jooooos!

Omar Bakri, your snivelling hypocrisy and cowardice makes me sick to my stomach. First you run away like a chicken with its nards cut off from Britain because they won't take your hate mongering crap and call it ice cream anymore, but when the cold hard reality of being an anti-semitic arse-hole becomes painfully clear, you cry like a mewling little baby for Momma Infidel England to pick you up, change your nappy, and kiss your boo-boos better. Go someplace and choke on your own hatred and ignorance. Better yet, go martyr yourself on something sharp and rusty. The world will better off for it.

Our next act is Hassan Nasrallah of Lebanon.

STOP! In the name of Allah!

Even though I staaarted it!

If you don't stop today!

I'll throw more babies in your way!

Absolutely dreadful. You make testicular cancer more appealing than that performance, and I'm not just talking about the singing. You're the lowest excuse for a human being that I've ever encountered, and I'm in show business. Your entire life is based on hate and playing bumboy for Syria and Iran. You've done nothing but create pain and misery, mostly for your own people and you start and perpetuate wars for your own aggrandizement. The only positive thing that I can think of about your worthless existence is that the Israelis will make it mercifully short. Now go away.

Up next is President Mahmoud Achmadinejad of Iran. This should be a complete bollocks.

Please appease me...

Let me go...

On supporting terrorists...

With great aplomb...

While I build an A-bomb...

That performance was a weapon of mass destruction all by itself. I wouldn't elect a delusional cracker-arsed goon as dog-catcher, let alone president of anything. Here's a question: If your culture is so great, how come it didn't invent the A-Bomb first, but is instead reliant on second and third hand technology? No need for a response, partially because I fear it might take the form of another dreadful song, and partially because we all know the answer. Now get out, this reality show is officially cancelled!