Dr. Phil Meets Mother Cindy

While I was ‘resting’ I met somebody at rehab—I mean at the hotel, who gave me this piece. It’s the transcript of an un-aired episode of the syndicated talk-self-help show DR. PHIL. Now I think the couple being interviewed, although unidentified, strike me as kinda familiar.

DR. PHIL: The war in Iraq has become a very divisive issue in this country, and I’m not just talking politically. It’s splitting up families as well. On the show today is a couple we’ll call Mister S and Missus S. They lost their son in Iraq last year and their positions on the war is tearing their marriage and their family apart. Please welcome them to the show.

(Applause as Mister S and Missus S come on stage & take their seats. Mister S seems sullen and uncomfortable with the attention while Missus S sucks it all in.)

DR. PHIL: Welcome to the show. Now Mister S, can you tell us why you’ve filed for divorce from your wife?

MISTER S: After our son was killed by terrorists in Iraq my wife, who was always a little...eccentric, politically speaking, went completely over the deep end and start hanging out with a bad crowd.

DR. PHIL: Is that true Missus S?

MOTHER CINDY: I prefer to be called Mother Cindy. That’s what my true friends call me, and our son wasn’t killed by terrorists, he was murdered by the Bush Crime Family to promote their neo-con, Zionist, agenda which enslave the world in the name of Halliburton and kosher dining!

MISTER S: Do you see what I have to put up with? These ‘true friends’ of hers have her camping in a ditch in Texas. What the hell is that going to accomplish?

MOTHER CINDY: It’s the only way we can get our troops to stop killing babies with nuclear weapons in Iraq, have Bush impeached and his whore-spawn daughters sent to die! I have to do this! MY MORAL AUTHORITY IS ABSOLUTE! MAUREEN DOWD SAYS SO!

DR. PHIL: Okay, let’s all calm down here. You’re both as twitchy as a pair of balls in a crotch-kicking contest. Now, Mother Cindy, I’d like to ask you a question. How is camping in the ditch working for you?

MOTHER CINDY: What do you mean?

DR. PHIL: What do you want out of this little stunt?

MOTHER CINDY: I want Bush locked up, and the country of Iraq handed over to its rightful ruler, the glorious freedom fighter Abu-Musab Al-Zarqawi.

DR. PHIL: Do you have any real notion of what that would mean?

MOTHER CINDY: Peace on Earth. Sure Zarqawi’s beheaded some people, but it’s in the true cause of freedom.

DR. PHIL: Now Mother Cindy, that theory is about as sensible as Sean Penn being viewed as a great political thinker. That hound won’t smell. You’re vocally supporting people who are killing your fellow Americans, people who will kill between fifty to seventy percent of the Iraqi
population if they come to power for the crime of voting or just being born in the wrong tribe. You’re squatting in a ditch, calling brave men, like your own son, murderers and war criminals, while praising people who set off car bombs in schools and hospitals.

MISTER S: Don’t forget the other nuts in this candy bar.

DR. PHIL: I was just about to get to that. You’re not just being backed by a pack of friendly neighborhood hippie moonbats. David Dukes, the Ku Klux Klan, and a whole mess of Neo-Nazis are also supporting you. Don’t you see the problem inherent in that?

MOTHER CINDY: There is no problem. My moral authority is absolute.

DR. PHIL: Moral authority tends to be less than absolute when you’re getting all buddy-buddy with folks who wear white hoods and think burning crosses is somehow better than barbecue. You’re praising people who think genocide is great way to run a country.

MOTHER CINDY: But Maureen Dowd?

DR. PHIL: Maureen Dowd couldn’t find her own ass with a smellhound and a map. Let’s get to what I think is the real root of this situation. You opposed the war from the beginning, right?

MOTHER CINDY: Yes.

DR. PHIL: And it’s not much of a stretch to reckon that you are not exactly a big fan of the US Military.

MOTHER CINDY: This country was built on blood and is not worth fighting for! The only just cause is the one being fought by men like Zarqawi and Muqtada Al-Sadr. It’s the only thing that can save us all from the Jewish Cabal that runs this foul country.

DR. PHIL: Let’s get back on topic. Now your son volunteered for the army, served his time, and then volunteered to serve again, knowing full well that he would be sent to Iraq. And then while in Iraq he volunteered to help rescue his fellow soldiers and he died an unquestionable hero. That brings us to you. Here you are, camping outside his Commander in Chief’s house, demanding a meeting that you already had, for no other purpose than to slander the Commander in Chief, the US Military, and your own son. You
attended a rally where they burnt a soldier in effigy. Those people are burning your boy, and you enjoyed it. This goes way beyond George W. Bush, the war, Maureen Dowd, or your own grief. You’re acting out this way because you hate your son. You feel that his patriotism and heroism was a blatant betrayal of your heartfelt anti-Americanism.

MOTHER CINDY: He agrees with me! I was talking to him today, and he fully supports my slandering his name and his heroism, while sapping the morale of his friends and comrades. You must listen to me! MY MORAL AUTHORITY IS ABSOLUTE!!!

DR. PHIL: I think the situation has gone beyond what I can do. I’m thinking some serious meds are in order.

MOTHER CINDY: I have ten thousand angels on my side!everything I say is pure gold! If I wasn’t so brilliant, then why does the mainstream media worship the ground I walk on?

DR. PHIL: Because they’ll support anyone opposed to anything done by a Republican. You’re just another expendable loudmouth they can use to fill a slow news period with anti-American ravings so they can ignore
America’s actual successes in Iraq and the improving economy.

MOTHER CINDY: Michael Moore wouldn’t let me blog on his site just for the attention! He’s dedicated to nothing but the absolute truth!

DR. PHIL: Whoa, those are going to have to be some pretty mega-sized meds.

MISTER S: I’m out of here.

DR. PHIL: I’m coming with you.

MOTHER CINDY: Michael Moore! Get out of that fat farm and save me!

"What we have here is a failure to communicate..."

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON

Hello my friends. I'm taking the place of Brother Poplar who had a bit of a relapse last night (drinky-drinky) and the prayers of everyone at the 700 Club are with him, even though he's one of those Cat'licks who are all damned to Hell for their Satanic Roman Popery.

But I'm not here to talk about the sorry state of Vox Poplar's soul, or his liver, but about a recent misunderstanding that has arisen between me and the dictator of Venezuela Hugo Chavez.

Now a lot of folks think that I want Hugo dead when I said that he should be 'taken out.' Now that's just a baldfaced lie. I do not him dead, I simply think that the US government should invite him over to the good old USA and 'take him out' for a night on the town.

That's right, I want improved relations with our neo-Communist strongman to the south, and I think that 'taking him out' for a night of fun and frolics will be just the ticket to thaw his godless narco-terrorist supporting heart and win him over to the side of God, America, Motherhood and Apple Pie.

I say take him to Las Vegas, it's about time that den of sin, inequity and vice started pulling its weight, and show him the kind of good time that a society not run by a man like me can show him. Seigfried & Roy are out, so maybe you can score tickets to Penn & Teller or those Frenchified papist oddballs at Cirque De Soleil that folks seem to like. Or maybe Celine Dion's his taste? I prefer to chill out with a bottle of Jack and AC/DC's Highway to Hell on the stereo, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

And if during this night out El Presidente Chavez should happen to choke on some broccoli until his brain died from lack of oxygen, or happen to trip into the path of a speeding bus, or maybe he ends up getting his socialist genitalia accidentally mauled off by that tiger that got Roy....

Well, things like that happen...

You could say they are 'Acts of God.'

That's why I want us as a people to 'take him out' and show Hugo Chavez a good time before his inevitable death. Because he sure ain't gonna have one after it.

Good night and God Bless...

...if you're Protestant.

~Pat Robertson

Time for some shameles self-whoring!

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But it's not just my handsome face on offer here.

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Download them all and enjoy the guaranteed* unbridled sex appeal that comes with people knowing that you're a fan of Vox Poplar is Right About Everything & Don't You Forget It.

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GAZA: THE UNTOLD STORY

VOX: Hello everybody. It’s great to be back and I’d like to thank Naom, Sandy, and Kim for sitting in for me while I was on ‘vacation.’ Now it’s time to get back to establishing the high standard of pseudo-journalism that I’m known for. This week marked the end of Israel’s settlements in the Palestinian dominated Gaza Strip. Today, I have an exclusive interview with a Gaza resident who was recently forced out by the Israeli Army. Now he wishes to keep his identity a secret, so we’ll be calling him Mr. X. It’s good to have you here.

MR. X: Good day.

VOX: Tells us what happened to you when the Israeli Army forced you out of your home in the settlements.

MR. X: Actually, I wasn’t living in the settlements. I had an apartment in Gaza City.

VOX: I didn’t know any Israelis lived there.

MR. X: I’m not Israeli.

VOX: What?

MR. X: I’m Palestinian.

VOX: You’re a Palestinian? Then why were you taken out and sent to Israel?

MR. X: It’s a funny story really. I was working for my uncle, delivering some Ariel Sharon effigies for the settlers to burn...

VOX: This is your uncle’s business?

MR. X: Oh yeah, Uncle Achmed makes all the stuff you see protestors burning. Flags, effigies, photos of politicians, it’s all made by Uncle Achmed. Back to my story. I get out of my truck to get the settler to sign the receipt and next thing I know I got five Israeli paratroopers dragging my ass to a bus. I guess when you put a Palestinian guy next to an Israeli guy, you really can’t tell them apart.

VOX: Then what happened?

MR. X: I got off the bus and was set up in a hotel in Tel Aviv.

VOX: What are you going to do next?

MR. X: I did think about telling them about their mistake, but then I found out that my stay here is all on the Israeli government’s tab. So, I’m going to pig out on room service and pay-per-view movies until they figure out their mistake and toss me out.

VOX: What if they don’t figure out their mistake?

MR. X: Then I guess I better brush up on my Hebrew if I’m going to get one of those new houses. You know this could open up a whole new field of Palestinian activism. Why kill Israelis when you can milk them dry?

VOX: Good luck with your scam.

MR. X: Shalom, I think...? I better get a dictionary...

It’s All very Simple Really...

A Special Guest Commentary by Noam Chomsky

I proffer my salutations and most effusive acknowledgment of a multitudinous gramercy to Mr. Poplar for vouchsafing me to offer my erudite & accomplished opinions in his stead. I hope to make this the most araphorostic transition found in the realm of feasibility.

I regularly perambulate the governmental environment of the United Fascist States of Amerikkka like many a meandering gyrovague afflicted with poriomania despite having no real training in political science and only my status as a professor in a field related to grammatolatry to present myself as more of a polyhistor. However, that hasn’t prevented me from passing acrimonious determinations on Amerikka and its graveolent plutomaniacal autocracy that wears the affectations of a democratic state the way a profane quean wears fishnet stockings.

Amerikka, a nation so flagitious, it coerced me to levogyrate even though it is the only locality where I can have a vocation as a respected though rarely fathomed academic and make millions of pernicious dollars a year as a speaker, author and pundit. Any place that allows someone like me to become a millionaire, is obviously the perpetuation of the cabal between Nazi Germany and Israel and must be destroyed as instantaneously as possible.

The Amerikkan Fascist hyperpower and its nolimetangeretarian policies towards such beneficent and tolerant people like Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi’s insurgents and the forward thinkers and philosophers of the Taliban can only be liberticidal for the entire world. It inspires in me a Herculean motive to be the official rectalgia of the Crypto-Fascists and annihilate their plutocracy so strongly that it will never repullulate.

We must expurgate the procrustean jargoneers in Washington and Tel Aviv who seek to macerate the entire celestial body that we designate our habitation, say lenvoy to their intemperate phallocentric warmongering, and embrace esteemed philosophers of freedom like Pol Pot and Fidel Castro. Then the world will be swept up in a wave of perichareia that will usher in an era of true harmony and manumission.

Who’s with me?

-Noam Chomsky

ARE THOSE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN MY PANTS, OR AM I JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU?

Special Guest Commentary by former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger

(Vox is recovering from hosting the Air America Telethon at the Betty Ford Center. So celebrity guest bloggers will be filling in for him this week.)

No matter how many papers you steal from the National Archives, no matter how many friends you stack in the 9/11 Commission the truth still has a way of coming out. Damn Internet, I’ll never forgive Al Gore for inventing you.

Therefore, I guess I better come clean.

It’s all George W. Bush’s fault.

Just kidding.

However, that’s how the press will play it, that is, if they give the Able Danger reports any airtime at all, which is unlikely. What possible reason do the MSM have to give these reports the attention they demand?

All they say is this:

--That the timeline the 9/11 Commission gave Atta was way off, and that their findings related to that timeline are suspect at best, completely wrong at worst.

--That Czech intelligence reports about Atta’s connections to Saddam Hussein’s intelligence agencies are more plausible.

--That political interference, orchestrated by the Clinton administration and a certain member of the 9/11 Commission to protect their shady fundraising effectively crippled our counter terrorism operations.

--That the 9/11 Commission deliberately buried these reports in order to protect the Presidential aspirations of Hillary Clinton.

--That simple open source data mining is an effective method of identifying potential terror suspects.

That’s really not much of a story when you look at it. I mean come on, how’s that compared to some poor innocent Taliban Jihadi being served honey-glazed chicken with too much paprika?

Who am I kidding?

Only the Mainstream Media.

Damn.

Listen, you don’t know what it was like trying to advise the Clintons about national security. It was like talking to a freaking wall. God knows how many times did we try to do the daily morning briefing with Bill sitting there listening to Fleetwood Mac on his walkman, flipping through a back issue of Hustler, or both?

Clinton didn’t want to hear anything that might require him to actually do anything. And when he did get off his pasty cracker ass, it was usually to lob a missile at an empty tent, or maybe blast the crap out of an aspirin factory.

It’s enough to make you stuff your pants with classified documents in despair.

Sorry about that, I tend to vent when I get upset.

So in closing, remember this: It’s all George W. Bush’s fault.

-Sandy Berger

It Ain't Easy Being So Damn Hot

A Special Guest Commentary by Kim Jong Il

Hi everybody!

I’d like to thank Vox Poplar for letting me fill in while he recovers from the Air America Blog-a-thon, especially the after-party if you know what I mean...

Anyhoo...

It’s time for me to talk about something that threatens the peace of the world. I’m talking about the United State’s constant and irrational insistence that I give up my nuclear weapons program.

WTF!

All I want is the capacity to rain flaming hot death on the cities of Japan and America, and they get all huffy. They strut around the world demanding meetings and talks and conferences where they can pressure me to start wasting money on crap like food.

Let me set the record straight jack. There is no starvation in the People’s Republic of North Korea. Yes, there are a lot of skinny people hanging around Pyongyang, but there’s a reason for that. North Koreans are a very fashion conscious people and I blame those wicked imperialist publications Vogue and Glamour for starting a wave of anorexia and bulimia in my fair country. Why should I go out and buy food when the ungrateful bastards will just puke it up anyway? Besides, the peasants seem happy with their diet of thistles and the occassional bug for protein, it's the only way they're ever going to fit in the fall collection from Versace.

But I digress.

There’s a more sinister hidden agenda to these Yankee imperialist demands for meetings with yours truly.

Condoleeza Rice has the hots for me.

That’s right.

She’s warm for my form.

The American Secretary of State takes one look at my studly physique and she’s overcome with a case of the screaming thigh sweats and she’s ready to mount me like a thoroughbred and ride me all the way to the orgasm Triple Crown.

It’s a perfectly understandable phenomenon. I mean why have him when you can have Kim, as the old saying goes. It’s so obvious too, just listen to her, every time she mentions yours truly she always ends up talking about ‘missiles.’ If that ain’t Freudian symbolism, then I don’t what is.

Normally I’d be flattered by the attentions of an attractive and intelligent woman like Secretary Rice, but there’s a problem.

That Condi Rice is a stone-cold freak!

Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about. She wants to have ‘Six Party Talks,’ involving diplomats from all over the region and I know that some of those diplomats are dudes!

Listen Condi, I hope your reading this, I can be as open minded as the next dictator, but this Dear Leader is strictly for the ladies if you know what I mean.

So, Condi, if you’re looking for a little bilateral somethin-somethin and want to ‘ring the gong with the Jong,’ then drop me a line. I’ll put some champagne on ice and maybe you can tell me what those pundits mean when they talk about ‘Foggy Bottom.’

Call me.

-Kim Jong-Il

Vox's Mailbag #1

We get letters...
We get letters...
We get stacks and stacks of letters...

Actually, since this is an electronic medium it's actually mostly e-mails. And because I'm exhausted from my Save Air America Blogathon, let's do something easy and open up the electronic mailbag too see what goodies are inside.

Our first letter comes from Professor Dwayne Q. Diddlebock, Professor Emeritus of White Male Oppression Studies at the University of Greenwich in Connecticut.

Mr. Poplar

If that is your real name, I am writing to declare that your site is a disgusting and offensive display of the ignorance that runs rampant among the hate-filled fascist right wing goat f**kers who all deserve to die by having their genitals soaked in gasoline and set on fire while being garrotted with their own Bible Belt.

Your support of such fascist institutions like democracy, free speech for non-Democratic Party leaders, and academic freedom makes me want to puke. It's people like you, who know nothing of history, who were the reason why Napoleon founded the Nazi Party in 1954.

Please throw yourself in front of a bus immediately.

Sincerely - Dwayne Q. Diddlebock

Okay.

To answer your question, Vox Poplar is not my real name.

Vox is, in fact, short for Vauxhall. My parents Albert Poplar & Mary Maple were big fans of English automobiles.

Our next letter comes from Ambassador Alphonse Obombatumba of Nigeria.

Dear Mr. Poplar

I am writing to offer you a very lucrative business opportunity. For a simple investment of $50,000 you can have a share of the lost treasure of Mobutu Sese Seko worth over $100,000,000,000.

Sincerely- Ambassador Alphonse Obombatumba

Wow. That's very kind of you Mr. Ambassador, but all my money's tied up and I need $15,000 to pay the cash richness transfer fees.

Our next letter comes from Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

Dear Mr. Poplar

I am deeply offended by your portrayal of me as some kind of screaming lunatic who keeps saying stupid things. It's the exact sort of things those evil lazy drug-dealing glue-sniffing goat molesting white Christians would say in their diabolical plan to destroy the world. We'll show you when Hillary's elected and the Internet's regulated by the UN and true democracies like China, Syria, and Iran.

YYYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Sincerely Howard Dean

Thanks for the input Chairman Dean, I stand corrected.

And thanks to all the people who bothered to write, keep those e-mails coming, because I crave the attention.

Until next time!

Air America Charity Spectacular Day 3: The Revenge of the Sith

VOX: My 3rd straight day on this blog-a-thon. No sleep, no food, and since Tim Robbins backed up the toilet, no bathroom breaks. But I think it's worth it, let's check the big board!

TOTAL PLEDGES: -$000,875,000.00.

VOX: Wow, 875 grand! That's about what was snookered out of the Boys & Girls Club. I'd like to take this moment to thank all of you whiny liberals. Your pledges will be dedicated to the cause of making America feel bad about itself.

DIRECTOR: Vox, that's minus $875 grand. The show's in debt.

VOX: Son of a bitch. Well, if you want big money, then you must whip out the big gun. And they don't come bigger than Michael Moore!

MOORE: Hi everybody, I'm rich, so I must be right!

VOX: That's right Mikey, can I call you Mikey?

MOORE: Peasants must call me Mr. Moore.

VOX: All right. Mr. Moore, you made a lot of money off Fahrenheit 9/11. How about spreading some of that love to your pals at Air America.

MOORE: Hell no. Designer jeans with a balloon seat don't come cheap. (checks watch) Gotta go, there's a Hilary fundraiser at P. Diddy's. Bye, ya losers.

Moore leaves.

VOX: That's it for me. You're on your own Air America. Maybe you get a piece of the Niger famine relief. Take us out Alanis... Goodnight everybody!

ALANIS: (to the tune of 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina')
Whining & bitching, complaining, coddling terrorists
Why God, Why?
Complaining, stealing from poor children, Air America
Why God, Why?
What have I done to deserve this Democrat Blue horror?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Air America
Like a Al Franken character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?
Destroying the Democratic party, whining & bitching, Franken cranking
Why God, Why?
Air America, Franken cranken, coddling terrorists
Why God, Why?
What have I done to deserve this Democrat Blue disaster that is my life?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Air America
Like a Al Franken character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?
What have I done to deserve this Democrat Blue misery?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Air America
Like a Al Franken character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?

The Vox Poplar Charity Spectacular for Air America was brought to you by these sponsors.

The Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club

The P-U Charitable Truss

The Senator Robert Byrd Foundation for Racial Harmony

Al-Jazeera

Dan Rather

The Theresa Heinz Kerry Foundation for Progressive Tax Shelters

The Association of PETA Puppy Stranglers Local 237

Osama Bin Laden

The Kim Jong-Il Foundation for Eliminating the Poor

&

Viewers Like You

Thank You

Suckers...

AIR AMERICA CHARITY SPECTACULAR DAY 2

Vox: Welcome back to the Air America Blogathon, where we’re trying to raise money that would otherwise be wasted on useless stuff like children and the elderly. Let’s look at the big board and see how we’re doing. Drum-roll please.

TOTAL PLEDGES: $000,000,000.87

VOX: What a completely underwhelming development. Well, maybe we haven’t explained the importance of Air America clearly enough, so we’ve put together these testimonials. Roll the tape Larry.

BILL MOYERS: Without Air America the country will fall to an evil right wing coup and blood will flow through the streets in rivers, cities, will burn, and the Capitol will be moved from Washington DC to the men’s room at Halliburton where bloated executives who won’t let me on their board wipe their bums with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

HOWARD STERN: Air America? Needs more topless women.

SEN. ROBERT BYRD: As a Democratic Senator and former Kleagle of the Klu Klux Klan I understand the importance of Air America. Why without this progressive voice those evil Republicans will give blacks and women the right to vote, and that must be stopped! What? They already have the right to vote? Dammit! How the hell can we have slavery if they have the vote? What do you mean the Republicans abolished slavery!?! What's next? Catholics in the Supreme Court?

BILL CLINTON: Do I support Air America? Hmmm... I think that depends on what your definition of ‘I’ is.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: Without Air America, I won’t be able to pick on Al Franken anymore.

JOHN KERRY: Al Franken and I served in Vietnam together running secret missions up the Dim Sum River. One time we were ordered by the CIA to spend Christmas in Cambodia hunting down Marlon Brando who had formed an army of Communist Drag Queens called the Khmer Lipstick. I was wounded 17 times on that mission and was award 3 congressional medals of honor. That’s why I won’t support Air America. I mean I support Air America...

GEORGE CLOONEY: It’s the most exciting thing on radio in the world. It’s dangerous, tackling controversial subjects in intelligent and articulate ways. Air America on the other hand is a pack of boring old whiners, but since I’m in Hollywood I have to support them or I’ll be blacklisted.

BEN AFFLECK: What’s radio?

HILLARY CLINTON: I support any position that will get me elected president in 2008.

ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI: I try to listen to Air America whenever I can get five freaking minutes without getting a bomb dropped my sorry ass, because they’re the only people that really believe in me.

LORNE MICHAELS: I support Air America because it keeps Al Franken from writing for SNL.

HOWARD DEAN: Air America would be the number one station in the world if it weren’t for those miserable rat-bastard baby-grilling warmongering white Christians and Jews who ruined this country for the rest of us. YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

ROBERT NOVAK: This is bullshit. (stomps off)

SADDAM HUSSEIN: I support Air America because they support me.

KARL ROVE: I look to Air America for guidance. I just listen to their whining and complaining, and then do the exact opposite. So far it works.

VOX: What a presentation. It’s incredible the amount of love and ridicule there is for Air America. So let’s see what the big board says now. Drum-roll please!

TOTAL PLEDGES: $000,000,000.73

VOX: We went down! How the hell did that happen! Tune in tomorrow for Day 3 of the Air America Blogathon. Dammit!

THE VOX POPLAR CHARITY SPECTACULAR!

VOX: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m Vox Poplar and I’m your host for this very special charity event. We need your cash, big donations preferred, but if you’re one of those cheap bastards then small donations are welcome too. Who’s getting this cash you might ask? Well, I can tell you that it’s not being wasted on inner city children and Alzheimer’s patients. We’re putting your money where it will actually do good for the world. You guessed it, we’re giving it all to Air America. Isn’t that right Susan Sarandon?

Enter Susan Sarandon, wearing a dress made entirely of colored ribbons signifying different causes.

SUSAN: That’s right Vox. Air America desperately needs your help, because liberals in America need a voice beyond newspapers, public television and radio, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and the Internet.

VOX: That’s right Susan. Providing a platform for intellectual and moral heavyweights like Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo, and Jerry Springer costs money. Money Air America can’t afford, because there aren’t enough charities to loot and it’s not like they can make money selling things to their audience.

SUSAN: You need an audience before you can do that.

VOX: So please give generously. (starts crying) The other day Janeane Garofalo couldn’t afford her usual imported Kopi Luwak coffee beans for her morning cappucino and was forced to drink common coffee that didn’t have the privilege of coming out of a cat’s ass. It was heartbreaking.

SUSAN: (crying) And what about poor Al Franken? Have any of you even considered what poor Al Franken is going through? Since he stopped being funny he’s forced to work at Air America where his paychecks bounce and he’s been forced to buy an SUV that doesn’t have a built in DVD player. How can he be expected to live with a sub-luxury SUV?

VOX: I know he didn’t want me to say this, because he’s a proud man, but pride must be set aside when faced with a crisis like this. Al Franken’s situation is worse than we all thought. He’s had to put off getting a new media room at his summerhouse in the Hamptons.

SUSAN: My god! How can he live without a media room? He’s worse off than the people in Iraq, who are only being killed because those evil American Nazis are trying to impose democracy on their once perfect and happy society.

VOX: Your ignorance of world event astounds me Susan. Let’s move on to our first act, Canadian singer, songwriter, angry chick and theatre lover Alanis Morissette.

Enter Alanis, buck naked, but blurred in strategic places.

ALANIS: (sung to the tune of MacArthur Park)
I Think building democracies are really a huge problem
I Think defending Americans are too much on my mind
I Think freeing oppressed people have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?
Like a Democrat Blue rain, beating down on me
Like a Noam Chomsky line, which won't let go of my brain
Like Ronald Reagan's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
I Think improving economies are gonna drive us all crazy
And punishing terrorists make me feel like a child
I Think Republican election victories will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do?
I said what can you do?
Like a Democrat Blue rain, beating down on me
Like a Noam Chomsky line, which won't let go of my brain
Like Ronald Reagan's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Like a Democrat Blue rain, beating down on me
Like Ronald Reagan's smile, cruel and cold
Like Noam Chomsky's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush

Alanis ends the song with a rousing bagpipe solo before leaving the stage.

VOX: That was great Alanis. I see the Pilates are doing wonders. Joining me now is actor activist and self appointed ambassador to Middle Easter Dictators, Sean Penn.

SEAN: Thanks Vox. I’m here to tell you about the important work Air America does. Without Air America how can the world know what great guys Saddam Hussein, Kin Jong-Il and the Ayatollahs of Iran are really great guys. We need Air America to teach the country that violence is not the answer.

A Photographer enters.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile for the camera Sean.

The Photographer snaps Sean Penn’s picture and Sean Penn snaps.

SEAN: (raging) Bastard!

Sean jumps on the Photographer and starts beating him senseless.

VOX: Thanks Sean, that was a wonderful demonstration of the power of peace. Our next act is a duo who can’t resist pointless gestures for hopeless causes. I’m talking about Bono and Sir Bob Geldof.

Enter Bono and Bob Geldof with guitars.

GELDOF: (to the tune of I Don’t Like Mondays)
The silicone chip in Al Franken’s head
Gets switched to overload
And Noam Chomsky’s teaching school today
So you might as well stay at home
Dubya Bush doesn’t understand them
And their obsession with the Kyoto Accord
He says that there is no reason…
Absolutely no reason…
For them to support Saddam Hussein…ein…ein…ein…

BONO:
Tell me why!

GELDOF:
No on listens to Air America!

BONO:
Tell me why!

GELDOF:
No one respects Air America!

BONO: (speaking) I’ll tell you why no one listens to Air America. Because they’re not playing the music that truly speaks to the kids. (Takes out his CD) I’m talking about "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb," by U2. Nothing says you support the cause of freedom than giving me your money.

GELDOF: You rat bastard! You only do these events to shill your damn record.

BONO: We’ll file that under "well d’uh."

Geldof smashes his guitar over Bono’s head and storms off.

GELDOF: Wanker.

Enter Vox who steps over the unconscious form of Bono.

VOX: Let’s check the big board to see how we’re doing. Drum roll please!

TOTAL PLEDGES: $000,000,000.75.

VOX: Wow, we’re doing better than we thought. Can keep that cash rolling folks, because only you can help rich liberal millionaires feel better about being rich by adopting whiny lefty political poses.

The Poplar Report #1

Good evening Mr and Mrs Internet and all her sites in cyberspace, it's time for the POPLAR REPORT!

News that is not only unfit to print, but is both fake and accurate presented in a format that can be easily read in your pyjamas or on the toilet.

Let's go to press...

Aging actress and self-proclaimed activist Jane Fonda is hoping to boost sales of her autobiography by going a tour in a vegetable oil fuelled bus to protest the Vietnam... oops... I mean Iraq War. When asked why she's doing it after telling 60 Minutes that her shilling for Ho Chi Minh was the 'biggest mistake in her life,' she replied that it's been a long while since anyone spat on her and that it was time for her to piss off a whole new generation of veterans.

At Air America the days of whine and poses maybe coming to an end, and it won't be at the hands of the listening public, who are too busy tuning in everyone else. The network is being investigated over $800,000 that was earmarked for poor children and alzheimers patients that isntead went into the network's coffers. When asked for a comment host Al Franken said "He swiped that much money and my check still bounced. The bastard!"

British PM Tony Blair has announced stringent new deportation laws. First on the list to be booted out of the UK: Madonna and hubby Guy Ritchie. Not because of anything connected to terrorism, just that they're really, really, annoying.

Howard Dean says that George W's running regimen is the reason America's kids are fat. Damn, and all this time I thought it was my own total lack of physical activity and addiction to junk food. Now thanks to Dean I know it's all W's fault! THERE'S LARD ON YOUR HANDS PRESIDENT BUSH!

Canada circus superstars Cirque de Soleil are opening up a branch show in Tel Aviv Israel. The show will be called CIRQUE DE OY VEY.

All the passengers escaped from a crashed Air France flight at Toronto airport, proving once for all that the French are damned good at running away from things.

All seven crewmembers from a Russian minisub were rescued just minutes before their air supply was to run out. The captain of the ship said that they would have had more air if a certain crewmen hadn't pigged out on kielbasa and fried onions before the trip.

NEWS FLASH!!!!

CANADA ADOPTS "NO FLY LIST"

About 4 years after every other nation on Osama's shit list started a no -fly list, Canada has hopped on the band wagon. Now officially the list is supposed to be secret, but in keeping with the high standard of pseudo-journalism you come to expect from Vox Poplar, I was able to violate our nation's security to obtain it for you.

The listed people are not allowed to fly in or around Canadian
airspace.

• Stephen Harper
• Peter MacKay
• Celine Dion
• Casey & Finnegan
• Red Green
• Bill O'Reilly
• Rusty the Rooster
• Conrad Black
• Adrienne Clarkson (because she can still bill the
  government)
• Jerome the Giraffe

You know, I feel more secure already.

OH CANADA!

1 on 1 with JOHN ROBERTS

VOX: Joining me today is Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts, hello Mr. Roberts.

ROBERTS: Hello. And the first thing I'd like to say is SCREW YOU DAN RATHER. You can kiss my pasty Canadian ass! I don't need your anchorman chair with its old man stink! I'm going to be on the Supreme Court! Yee-hah!

VOX: Oh, dear. There appears to have been some sort of mix-up Mr. Roberts.

ROBERTS: Please, call me 'your honour.'

VOX: You're John Roberts the CBS News Correspondent. Not John Roberts the Supreme Court nominee.

ROBERTS: I'm not the Supreme Court nominee...?

VOX: That post is taken by a lawyer named John Roberts.

ROBERTS: Son of a bitch... there's another John Roberts?

VOX: Didn't you get a little suspicious. Not many Muchmusic VJ's turned news reporters get nominated for the Supreme Court.

ROBERTS: It could happen. Others have risen to take jobs they're in no way qualified for. America's built on it. Wasn't Sean Penn made Ambassador to Iran.

VOX: No, he just thinks he was.

ROBERTS: Shit. And those bastards at CBS are gonna hire Katie Couric for the big job instead of me. We're going to have to put a crate under the anchor chair so we can see her over the desk, and it's going to finally completely kill us in the ratings. I knew I should have printed those bogus memos earlier...

VOX: Wait a minute. Are you responsible for Memogate?

ROBERTS: No comment.