Vox: Welcome back to the Air America Blogathon, where we’re trying to raise money that would otherwise be wasted on useless stuff like children and the elderly. Let’s look at the big board and see how we’re doing. Drum-roll please.
TOTAL PLEDGES: $000,000,000.87
VOX: What a completely underwhelming development. Well, maybe we haven’t explained the importance of Air America clearly enough, so we’ve put together these testimonials. Roll the tape Larry.
BILL MOYERS: Without Air America the country will fall to an evil right wing coup and blood will flow through the streets in rivers, cities, will burn, and the Capitol will be moved from Washington DC to the men’s room at Halliburton where bloated executives who won’t let me on their board wipe their bums with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
HOWARD STERN: Air America? Needs more topless women.
SEN. ROBERT BYRD: As a Democratic Senator and former Kleagle of the Klu Klux Klan I understand the importance of Air America. Why without this progressive voice those evil Republicans will give blacks and women the right to vote, and that must be stopped! What? They already have the right to vote? Dammit! How the hell can we have slavery if they have the vote? What do you mean the Republicans abolished slavery!?! What's next? Catholics in the Supreme Court?
BILL CLINTON: Do I support Air America? Hmmm... I think that depends on what your definition of ‘I’ is.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: Without Air America, I won’t be able to pick on Al Franken anymore.
JOHN KERRY: Al Franken and I served in Vietnam together running secret missions up the Dim Sum River. One time we were ordered by the CIA to spend Christmas in Cambodia hunting down Marlon Brando who had formed an army of Communist Drag Queens called the Khmer Lipstick. I was wounded 17 times on that mission and was award 3 congressional medals of honor. That’s why I won’t support Air America. I mean I support Air America...
GEORGE CLOONEY: It’s the most exciting thing on radio in the world. It’s dangerous, tackling controversial subjects in intelligent and articulate ways. Air America on the other hand is a pack of boring old whiners, but since I’m in Hollywood I have to support them or I’ll be blacklisted.
BEN AFFLECK: What’s radio?
HILLARY CLINTON: I support any position that will get me elected president in 2008.
ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI: I try to listen to Air America whenever I can get five freaking minutes without getting a bomb dropped my sorry ass, because they’re the only people that really believe in me.
LORNE MICHAELS: I support Air America because it keeps Al Franken from writing for SNL.
HOWARD DEAN: Air America would be the number one station in the world if it weren’t for those miserable rat-bastard baby-grilling warmongering white Christians and Jews who ruined this country for the rest of us. YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!
ROBERT NOVAK: This is bullshit. (stomps off)
SADDAM HUSSEIN: I support Air America because they support me.
KARL ROVE: I look to Air America for guidance. I just listen to their whining and complaining, and then do the exact opposite. So far it works.
VOX: What a presentation. It’s incredible the amount of love and ridicule there is for Air America. So let’s see what the big board says now. Drum-roll please!
VOX: We went down! How the hell did that happen! Tune in tomorrow for Day 3 of the Air America Blogathon. Dammit!