THE VOX POPLAR CHARITY SPECTACULAR!

VOX: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m Vox Poplar and I’m your host for this very special charity event. We need your cash, big donations preferred, but if you’re one of those cheap bastards then small donations are welcome too. Who’s getting this cash you might ask? Well, I can tell you that it’s not being wasted on inner city children and Alzheimer’s patients. We’re putting your money where it will actually do good for the world. You guessed it, we’re giving it all to Air America. Isn’t that right Susan Sarandon?

Enter Susan Sarandon, wearing a dress made entirely of colored ribbons signifying different causes.

SUSAN: That’s right Vox. Air America desperately needs your help, because liberals in America need a voice beyond newspapers, public television and radio, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and the Internet.

VOX: That’s right Susan. Providing a platform for intellectual and moral heavyweights like Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo, and Jerry Springer costs money. Money Air America can’t afford, because there aren’t enough charities to loot and it’s not like they can make money selling things to their audience.

SUSAN: You need an audience before you can do that.

VOX: So please give generously. (starts crying) The other day Janeane Garofalo couldn’t afford her usual imported Kopi Luwak coffee beans for her morning cappucino and was forced to drink common coffee that didn’t have the privilege of coming out of a cat’s ass. It was heartbreaking.

SUSAN: (crying) And what about poor Al Franken? Have any of you even considered what poor Al Franken is going through? Since he stopped being funny he’s forced to work at Air America where his paychecks bounce and he’s been forced to buy an SUV that doesn’t have a built in DVD player. How can he be expected to live with a sub-luxury SUV?

VOX: I know he didn’t want me to say this, because he’s a proud man, but pride must be set aside when faced with a crisis like this. Al Franken’s situation is worse than we all thought. He’s had to put off getting a new media room at his summerhouse in the Hamptons.

SUSAN: My god! How can he live without a media room? He’s worse off than the people in Iraq, who are only being killed because those evil American Nazis are trying to impose democracy on their once perfect and happy society.

VOX: Your ignorance of world event astounds me Susan. Let’s move on to our first act, Canadian singer, songwriter, angry chick and theatre lover Alanis Morissette.

Enter Alanis, buck naked, but blurred in strategic places.

ALANIS: (sung to the tune of MacArthur Park)
I Think building democracies are really a huge problem
I Think defending Americans are too much on my mind
I Think freeing oppressed people have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?
Like a Democrat Blue rain, beating down on me
Like a Noam Chomsky line, which won't let go of my brain
Like Ronald Reagan's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
I Think improving economies are gonna drive us all crazy
And punishing terrorists make me feel like a child
I Think Republican election victories will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do?
I said what can you do?
Like a Democrat Blue rain, beating down on me
Like a Noam Chomsky line, which won't let go of my brain
Like Ronald Reagan's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Like a Democrat Blue rain, beating down on me
Like Ronald Reagan's smile, cruel and cold
Like Noam Chomsky's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush
Blame it on George W. Bush

Alanis ends the song with a rousing bagpipe solo before leaving the stage.

VOX: That was great Alanis. I see the Pilates are doing wonders. Joining me now is actor activist and self appointed ambassador to Middle Easter Dictators, Sean Penn.

SEAN: Thanks Vox. I’m here to tell you about the important work Air America does. Without Air America how can the world know what great guys Saddam Hussein, Kin Jong-Il and the Ayatollahs of Iran are really great guys. We need Air America to teach the country that violence is not the answer.

A Photographer enters.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile for the camera Sean.

The Photographer snaps Sean Penn’s picture and Sean Penn snaps.

SEAN: (raging) Bastard!

Sean jumps on the Photographer and starts beating him senseless.

VOX: Thanks Sean, that was a wonderful demonstration of the power of peace. Our next act is a duo who can’t resist pointless gestures for hopeless causes. I’m talking about Bono and Sir Bob Geldof.

Enter Bono and Bob Geldof with guitars.

GELDOF: (to the tune of I Don’t Like Mondays)
The silicone chip in Al Franken’s head
Gets switched to overload
And Noam Chomsky’s teaching school today
So you might as well stay at home
Dubya Bush doesn’t understand them
And their obsession with the Kyoto Accord
He says that there is no reason…
Absolutely no reason…
For them to support Saddam Hussein…ein…ein…ein…

BONO:
Tell me why!

GELDOF:
No on listens to Air America!

BONO:
Tell me why!

GELDOF:
No one respects Air America!

BONO: (speaking) I’ll tell you why no one listens to Air America. Because they’re not playing the music that truly speaks to the kids. (Takes out his CD) I’m talking about "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb," by U2. Nothing says you support the cause of freedom than giving me your money.

GELDOF: You rat bastard! You only do these events to shill your damn record.

BONO: We’ll file that under "well d’uh."

Geldof smashes his guitar over Bono’s head and storms off.

GELDOF: Wanker.

Enter Vox who steps over the unconscious form of Bono.

VOX: Let’s check the big board to see how we’re doing. Drum roll please!

TOTAL PLEDGES: $000,000,000.75.

VOX: Wow, we’re doing better than we thought. Can keep that cash rolling folks, because only you can help rich liberal millionaires feel better about being rich by adopting whiny lefty political poses.