"What we have here is a failure to communicate..."

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON

Hello my friends. I'm taking the place of Brother Poplar who had a bit of a relapse last night (drinky-drinky) and the prayers of everyone at the 700 Club are with him, even though he's one of those Cat'licks who are all damned to Hell for their Satanic Roman Popery.

But I'm not here to talk about the sorry state of Vox Poplar's soul, or his liver, but about a recent misunderstanding that has arisen between me and the dictator of Venezuela Hugo Chavez.

Now a lot of folks think that I want Hugo dead when I said that he should be 'taken out.' Now that's just a baldfaced lie. I do not him dead, I simply think that the US government should invite him over to the good old USA and 'take him out' for a night on the town.

That's right, I want improved relations with our neo-Communist strongman to the south, and I think that 'taking him out' for a night of fun and frolics will be just the ticket to thaw his godless narco-terrorist supporting heart and win him over to the side of God, America, Motherhood and Apple Pie.

I say take him to Las Vegas, it's about time that den of sin, inequity and vice started pulling its weight, and show him the kind of good time that a society not run by a man like me can show him. Seigfried & Roy are out, so maybe you can score tickets to Penn & Teller or those Frenchified papist oddballs at Cirque De Soleil that folks seem to like. Or maybe Celine Dion's his taste? I prefer to chill out with a bottle of Jack and AC/DC's Highway to Hell on the stereo, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

And if during this night out El Presidente Chavez should happen to choke on some broccoli until his brain died from lack of oxygen, or happen to trip into the path of a speeding bus, or maybe he ends up getting his socialist genitalia accidentally mauled off by that tiger that got Roy....

Well, things like that happen...

You could say they are 'Acts of God.'

That's why I want us as a people to 'take him out' and show Hugo Chavez a good time before his inevitable death. Because he sure ain't gonna have one after it.

Good night and God Bless...

...if you're Protestant.

~Pat Robertson