1 on 1 with JOHN ROBERTS

VOX: Joining me today is Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts, hello Mr. Roberts.

ROBERTS: Hello. And the first thing I'd like to say is SCREW YOU DAN RATHER. You can kiss my pasty Canadian ass! I don't need your anchorman chair with its old man stink! I'm going to be on the Supreme Court! Yee-hah!

VOX: Oh, dear. There appears to have been some sort of mix-up Mr. Roberts.

ROBERTS: Please, call me 'your honour.'

VOX: You're John Roberts the CBS News Correspondent. Not John Roberts the Supreme Court nominee.

ROBERTS: I'm not the Supreme Court nominee...?

VOX: That post is taken by a lawyer named John Roberts.

ROBERTS: Son of a bitch... there's another John Roberts?

VOX: Didn't you get a little suspicious. Not many Muchmusic VJ's turned news reporters get nominated for the Supreme Court.

ROBERTS: It could happen. Others have risen to take jobs they're in no way qualified for. America's built on it. Wasn't Sean Penn made Ambassador to Iran.

VOX: No, he just thinks he was.

ROBERTS: Shit. And those bastards at CBS are gonna hire Katie Couric for the big job instead of me. We're going to have to put a crate under the anchor chair so we can see her over the desk, and it's going to finally completely kill us in the ratings. I knew I should have printed those bogus memos earlier...

VOX: Wait a minute. Are you responsible for Memogate?

ROBERTS: No comment.

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