The Poplar Report #1

Good evening Mr and Mrs Internet and all her sites in cyberspace, it's time for the POPLAR REPORT!

News that is not only unfit to print, but is both fake and accurate presented in a format that can be easily read in your pyjamas or on the toilet.

Let's go to press...

Aging actress and self-proclaimed activist Jane Fonda is hoping to boost sales of her autobiography by going a tour in a vegetable oil fuelled bus to protest the Vietnam... oops... I mean Iraq War. When asked why she's doing it after telling 60 Minutes that her shilling for Ho Chi Minh was the 'biggest mistake in her life,' she replied that it's been a long while since anyone spat on her and that it was time for her to piss off a whole new generation of veterans.

At Air America the days of whine and poses maybe coming to an end, and it won't be at the hands of the listening public, who are too busy tuning in everyone else. The network is being investigated over $800,000 that was earmarked for poor children and alzheimers patients that isntead went into the network's coffers. When asked for a comment host Al Franken said "He swiped that much money and my check still bounced. The bastard!"

British PM Tony Blair has announced stringent new deportation laws. First on the list to be booted out of the UK: Madonna and hubby Guy Ritchie. Not because of anything connected to terrorism, just that they're really, really, annoying.

Howard Dean says that George W's running regimen is the reason America's kids are fat. Damn, and all this time I thought it was my own total lack of physical activity and addiction to junk food. Now thanks to Dean I know it's all W's fault! THERE'S LARD ON YOUR HANDS PRESIDENT BUSH!

Canada circus superstars Cirque de Soleil are opening up a branch show in Tel Aviv Israel. The show will be called CIRQUE DE OY VEY.

All the passengers escaped from a crashed Air France flight at Toronto airport, proving once for all that the French are damned good at running away from things.

All seven crewmembers from a Russian minisub were rescued just minutes before their air supply was to run out. The captain of the ship said that they would have had more air if a certain crewmen hadn't pigged out on kielbasa and fried onions before the trip.