8/14/2005

It Ain't Easy Being So Damn Hot

A Special Guest Commentary by Kim Jong Il

Hi everybody!

I’d like to thank Vox Poplar for letting me fill in while he recovers from the Air America Blog-a-thon, especially the after-party if you know what I mean...

Anyhoo...

It’s time for me to talk about something that threatens the peace of the world. I’m talking about the United State’s constant and irrational insistence that I give up my nuclear weapons program.

WTF!

All I want is the capacity to rain flaming hot death on the cities of Japan and America, and they get all huffy. They strut around the world demanding meetings and talks and conferences where they can pressure me to start wasting money on crap like food.

Let me set the record straight jack. There is no starvation in the People’s Republic of North Korea. Yes, there are a lot of skinny people hanging around Pyongyang, but there’s a reason for that. North Koreans are a very fashion conscious people and I blame those wicked imperialist publications Vogue and Glamour for starting a wave of anorexia and bulimia in my fair country. Why should I go out and buy food when the ungrateful bastards will just puke it up anyway? Besides, the peasants seem happy with their diet of thistles and the occassional bug for protein, it's the only way they're ever going to fit in the fall collection from Versace.

But I digress.

There’s a more sinister hidden agenda to these Yankee imperialist demands for meetings with yours truly.

Condoleeza Rice has the hots for me.

That’s right.

She’s warm for my form.

The American Secretary of State takes one look at my studly physique and she’s overcome with a case of the screaming thigh sweats and she’s ready to mount me like a thoroughbred and ride me all the way to the orgasm Triple Crown.

It’s a perfectly understandable phenomenon. I mean why have him when you can have Kim, as the old saying goes. It’s so obvious too, just listen to her, every time she mentions yours truly she always ends up talking about ‘missiles.’ If that ain’t Freudian symbolism, then I don’t what is.

Normally I’d be flattered by the attentions of an attractive and intelligent woman like Secretary Rice, but there’s a problem.

That Condi Rice is a stone-cold freak!

Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about. She wants to have ‘Six Party Talks,’ involving diplomats from all over the region and I know that some of those diplomats are dudes!

Listen Condi, I hope your reading this, I can be as open minded as the next dictator, but this Dear Leader is strictly for the ladies if you know what I mean.

So, Condi, if you’re looking for a little bilateral somethin-somethin and want to ‘ring the gong with the Jong,’ then drop me a line. I’ll put some champagne on ice and maybe you can tell me what those pundits mean when they talk about ‘Foggy Bottom.’

Call me.

-Kim Jong-Il

1 comment:

Damian G. said...

HOLY S**T THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

Good stuff!