While I was ‘resting’ I met somebody at rehab—I mean at the hotel, who gave me this piece. It’s the transcript of an un-aired episode of the syndicated talk-self-help show DR. PHIL. Now I think the couple being interviewed, although unidentified, strike me as kinda familiar.
DR. PHIL: The war in Iraq has become a very divisive issue in this country, and I’m not just talking politically. It’s splitting up families as well. On the show today is a couple we’ll call Mister S and Missus S. They lost their son in Iraq last year and their positions on the war is tearing their marriage and their family apart. Please welcome them to the show.
(Applause as Mister S and Missus S come on stage & take their seats. Mister S seems sullen and uncomfortable with the attention while Missus S sucks it all in.)
DR. PHIL: Welcome to the show. Now Mister S, can you tell us why you’ve filed for divorce from your wife?
MISTER S: After our son was killed by terrorists in Iraq my wife, who was always a little...eccentric, politically speaking, went completely over the deep end and start hanging out with a bad crowd.
DR. PHIL: Is that true Missus S?
MOTHER CINDY: I prefer to be called Mother Cindy. That’s what my true friends call me, and our son wasn’t killed by terrorists, he was murdered by the Bush Crime Family to promote their neo-con, Zionist, agenda which enslave the world in the name of Halliburton and kosher dining!
MISTER S: Do you see what I have to put up with? These ‘true friends’ of hers have her camping in a ditch in Texas. What the hell is that going to accomplish?
MOTHER CINDY: It’s the only way we can get our troops to stop killing babies with nuclear weapons in Iraq, have Bush impeached and his whore-spawn daughters sent to die! I have to do this! MY MORAL AUTHORITY IS ABSOLUTE! MAUREEN DOWD SAYS SO!
DR. PHIL: Okay, let’s all calm down here. You’re both as twitchy as a pair of balls in a crotch-kicking contest. Now, Mother Cindy, I’d like to ask you a question. How is camping in the ditch working for you?
MOTHER CINDY: What do you mean?
DR. PHIL: What do you want out of this little stunt?
MOTHER CINDY: I want Bush locked up, and the country of Iraq handed over to its rightful ruler, the glorious freedom fighter Abu-Musab Al-Zarqawi.
DR. PHIL: Do you have any real notion of what that would mean?
MOTHER CINDY: Peace on Earth. Sure Zarqawi’s beheaded some people, but it’s in the true cause of freedom.
DR. PHIL: Now Mother Cindy, that theory is about as sensible as Sean Penn being viewed as a great political thinker. That hound won’t smell. You’re vocally supporting people who are killing your fellow Americans, people who will kill between fifty to seventy percent of the Iraqi
population if they come to power for the crime of voting or just being born in the wrong tribe. You’re squatting in a ditch, calling brave men, like your own son, murderers and war criminals, while praising people who set off car bombs in schools and hospitals.
MISTER S: Don’t forget the other nuts in this candy bar.
DR. PHIL: I was just about to get to that. You’re not just being backed by a pack of friendly neighborhood hippie moonbats. David Dukes, the Ku Klux Klan, and a whole mess of Neo-Nazis are also supporting you. Don’t you see the problem inherent in that?
MOTHER CINDY: There is no problem. My moral authority is absolute.
DR. PHIL: Moral authority tends to be less than absolute when you’re getting all buddy-buddy with folks who wear white hoods and think burning crosses is somehow better than barbecue. You’re praising people who think genocide is great way to run a country.
MOTHER CINDY: But Maureen Dowd?
DR. PHIL: Maureen Dowd couldn’t find her own ass with a smellhound and a map. Let’s get to what I think is the real root of this situation. You opposed the war from the beginning, right?
MOTHER CINDY: Yes.
DR. PHIL: And it’s not much of a stretch to reckon that you are not exactly a big fan of the US Military.
MOTHER CINDY: This country was built on blood and is not worth fighting for! The only just cause is the one being fought by men like Zarqawi and Muqtada Al-Sadr. It’s the only thing that can save us all from the Jewish Cabal that runs this foul country.
DR. PHIL: Let’s get back on topic. Now your son volunteered for the army, served his time, and then volunteered to serve again, knowing full well that he would be sent to Iraq. And then while in Iraq he volunteered to help rescue his fellow soldiers and he died an unquestionable hero. That brings us to you. Here you are, camping outside his Commander in Chief’s house, demanding a meeting that you already had, for no other purpose than to slander the Commander in Chief, the US Military, and your own son. You
attended a rally where they burnt a soldier in effigy. Those people are burning your boy, and you enjoyed it. This goes way beyond George W. Bush, the war, Maureen Dowd, or your own grief. You’re acting out this way because you hate your son. You feel that his patriotism and heroism was a blatant betrayal of your heartfelt anti-Americanism.
MOTHER CINDY: He agrees with me! I was talking to him today, and he fully supports my slandering his name and his heroism, while sapping the morale of his friends and comrades. You must listen to me! MY MORAL AUTHORITY IS ABSOLUTE!!!
DR. PHIL: I think the situation has gone beyond what I can do. I’m thinking some serious meds are in order.
MOTHER CINDY: I have ten thousand angels on my side!everything I say is pure gold! If I wasn’t so brilliant, then why does the mainstream media worship the ground I walk on?
DR. PHIL: Because they’ll support anyone opposed to anything done by a Republican. You’re just another expendable loudmouth they can use to fill a slow news period with anti-American ravings so they can ignore
America’s actual successes in Iraq and the improving economy.
MOTHER CINDY: Michael Moore wouldn’t let me blog on his site just for the attention! He’s dedicated to nothing but the absolute truth!
DR. PHIL: Whoa, those are going to have to be some pretty mega-sized meds.
MISTER S: I’m out of here.
DR. PHIL: I’m coming with you.
MOTHER CINDY: Michael Moore! Get out of that fat farm and save me!