1 on 1 With Bill Keller

VOX POPLAR- A lot of people are upset over the New York Times's exposure of the SWIFT program that tracked terrorist financing. The man at the center of that storm is New York Times executive editor Bill Keller, who has joined me now. Welcome to my blog Mr. Keller.

BILL KELLER- Good to be here Mr. Poplar.

VOX POPLAR- So, your paper published information exposing the existence of a counter-terrorism program, why did you do that?

BILL KELLER- The public has a right to know.

VOX POPLAR- What right to know? The program was legal, constitutional, and officials went above and beyond to provide safeguards against individuals getting their rights violated. You published it to try to provoke outrage among Americans, yet you only created outrage against the New York Times.

BILL KELLER- It was done under a Republican President. Sheesh, am I the only one that can see the evil inherent in that?

VOX POPLAR- Are you in anyway concerned that this program will cost American lives?

BILL KELLER- Not among New York Times readers. Our marketing research shows that the kinds of people killed in Iraq and in terrorist attacks do not read the New York Times.

VOX POPLAR- You mean average Americans?

BILL KELLER- Yes. Our key demographic of rich people who spend their weekends at mansions in the Hamptons have not been getting killed by terrorists. I think that proves that reading the New York Times immunizes you from terrorist attacks.

VOX POPLAR- That's pretty specious reasoning.

BILL KELLER- If by specious, you mean brilliant, thank you. So remember, our falling circulation is endangering more American lives than the exposure of any secret anti-terrorist program.

VOX POPLAR- Let's get back to reality. Terrorists will escape justice because of the exposure of this program, and people will die, whether they read the New York Times or not. What gives you the right to expose the SWIFT program?

BILL KELLER- I'm the editor of the New York Times! That makes me the most important person in the planet! I think I know what needs to be kept secret and what doesn't.

VOX POPLAR- Even though the New York Times and your predecessor Howell Raines let Jayson Blair run wild with manufactured fictions without knowing it.

BILL KELLER- Oh, what's with all these facts!?! Are you trying to oppress my freedom of speech!

VOX POPLAR- No, I'm simply practicing my right to freedom of speech.

BILL KELLER- Look, we are not at war...

VOX POPLAR- What do you mean America is not at war? What about the World Trade Center attack?

BILL KELLER- I didn't say 'America' I said 'we.' This so-called War On Terror belongs solely to the Bush Administration, and does not involve the New York Times and its core demographic of limousine liberals in any way.

VOX POPLAR- But you're part of America, aren't you?

BILL KELLER- The New York Times belongs to the world. Or to be more accurate, the world belongs to the New York Times.

VOX POPLAR- I think you're nuttier than squirrel poop.

BILL KELLER- There was no harm/no foul with this story. We didn't expose anything that Al-Qaida didn't already know.

VOX POPLAR- How can you possibly know that? Hell, figures from both parties, and according to some sources, even John 'Moonbat' Murtha, begged you not to run the story and keep the secret in order to save lives, but you printed it anyway based on some vague intuition that it would be okay.

BILL KELLER- Of course, I am the arbiter of what all truth is! KNEEL BEFORE ME!

VOX POPLAR- What?

BILL KELLER- KNEEL BEFORE KELLER!

VOX POPLAR- Okay that's it, I'm out of here. But before I go, I want you to know that every person who dies at the hands of terrorists was, in part, killed by you and your newspaper. Goodbye.

(Vox Poplar leaves)

BILL KELLER- Get back here! I command you!

***

Here's a little something from the wonderful folks at HOT AIR:

Bleat The Press: The Dark Side of the Blogosphere

VOX POPLAR- Welcome everybody to the first edition of Bleat The Press, where Vox Poplar, that's me, has a roundtable discussion with the folks who dwell on left side, or wussy, side of the political spectrum. Joining me today are:

Markos Whosis of the Daily Kos

Jason Leopold of OuttaTruth.Org

Filmmaker & cheeseburger connoisseur Michael Moore

Former attempted comedian turned failed radio pundit Al Franken

Actor, poster-boy for mandatory helmet laws, and Islamofascist propaganda tool Gary Busey

and a Chimp named Mr. Banana.

Welcome everyone. First up: Weapons of Mass destruction.

DAILY KOS- Bush lied, screw 'em!

JASON LEOPOLD- Bush lied, and he has been secretly indicted for it!

MICHAEL MOORE- Bush lied, and sat there for seven minutes listening to some ugly little bastard read 'My Pet Goat!'

AL FRANKEN- Bush lied, won't someone please listen to my show!

GARY BUSEY- What?

MR. BANANA- Hooha-hooha!

VOX POPLAR- What do you say about recently declassified documents that show that Saddam Hussein did have illegal chemical weapons in violation of UN sanctions. In fact just one of these declassified documents show the discovery of over 500 artillery shells filled with Sarin and Mustard Gas.

DAILY KOS- That means nothing. Screw'em!

JASON LEOPOLD- The soldiers who found those shells and Senator Santorum who made their report public have been secretly indicted for perjury. It's a fact!

MICHAEL MOORE- I like mustard on my hot dogs. Hmmmm.... hot dogs.

VOX POPLAR- Watch the drool puddle. Al Franken?

AL FRANKEN- Won't someone please listen to my show? I'm begging you!

GARY BUSEY- Where am I?

MR. BANANA- Hoohaha!

VOX POPLAR- Okay, next topic, and this one's for Daily Kos. You've recently come under fire over questions regarding not only your integrity, but your political judgement, intelligence and sanity as well. And this is coming not only from the usual suspects on the right, it's also coming from old liberal stalwarts like The New Republic. What do you think?

DAILY KOS- They're all a pack of Leiberman licking Neo-Con Nazi Thugs who molest goats, children, and are thoroughly, and without question worse than Hitler! I say screw'em!

JASON LEOPOLD- I have proof that the entire staff of The New Republic has been secretly indicted for treason against Al Gore!

MICHAEL MOORE- Hmmm.... goat.... with mustard... tasty...

AL FRANKEN- I'll talk about this on my show, if someone would please listen to me! For god's sake!

GARY BUSEY- Who are you people?

MR. BANANA- A-hoo! Ha-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!

VOX POPLAR- Now come on. Let's try to get back on topic. Now political discourse on the left side of the blogosphere has been defined by childish name calling, comparing everyone to Hitler, and hypocrisy in the field of human rights and national security. What do you say about that?

DAILY KOS- You're nothing but a goddamn puppy-boning crypto-fascist baby-killing Neo-Con sucking Leiberman-loving Fox News watching Nazi-slave to the Zionist Conspiracy!

JASON LEOPOLD- I have proof that you have been secretly indicted on charges of being a scum-sucking dirtbag!

MICHAEL MOORE- Hmmm... indictments... with mustard....

AL FRANKEN- You're a son of a bitch because you don't listen to my show! Like the rest of this goddamn planet! I'm just too good for you bastards!

GARY BUSEY- I think I wet my pants.

MR. BANANA- I don't believe the childishness of these people. I'm leaving.

(Mr. Banana leaves in a huff)

VOX POPLAR- I don't believe it. You grossed out the monkey. His idea of debate is tossing feces at people!

DAILY KOS- Hey, we're the only people out there with the truth. Not those Nazionists over at Fox News. The former editor of the New York Times says so!

VOX POPLAR- The man who had to resign over repeated phony news stories?

DAILY KOS- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

MICHAEL MOORE- Hmmm... monkey feces...

JASON LEOPOLD- That monkey is under secret indictment on charges of being Jack Abramoff's love slave!

AL FRANKEN- Nobody loves me.

GARY BUSEY- Why are my pants wet?

VOX POPLAR- I think you all just proved my point. Let's move onto the hypocrisy. Why is every program to counter terrorism considered evil?

DAILY KOS- Because any defense of this fascist heap of a country is evil! Especially if it's done by Republicans!

JASON LEOPOLD- I have proof that all Republicans and anyone who defends the USA has been secretly indicted on charges of murder.

VOX POPLAR- That's it. You people are a pack of self-pitying conspiracy mongering America hating moonbats. You would rather live under a fascist state than show any support for the country that allows you to live freely. You accuse the USA of atrocities whether there's evidence or not, and openly coddle, if not out-rightly support those who kill and oppress without reason. The monkey is right, I'm getting the hell out of here!

Murtha Knows Best & Don't You Forget It!

A SPECIAL MESSAGE
FROM
REP. JOHN MURTHA
(D-Planet Zoom)

Hello my fellow Americans.

It's me, your future House Majority Leader John Murtha, here once again to save you from the evil Hitler/Halliburton/Israel conspiracy called the Bush Administration. Now in my last message I explained what a Democratic Majority will do to for America. Now I will explain how a Democratic Majority will screw up bring peace to the rest of the world.

As you know Iraq is a terrible quagmire from which there is no escape except complete unilateral withdrawal. Look at what's happening in Iraq: a seemingly functional democratically elected government has been formed, the Al-Qaida backed insurgency is being whupped left and right, reconstruction projects are happening all over the country, and Al-Qaida mastermind Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi is dead.

All that can mean only one thing: AMERICA HAS LOST THE WAR.

I know what losing looks like! I served in VietNam, and I did my small part in losing that war, and now I'm trying to do a bigger part in losing this one.

Zarqawi's dead, it's time to declare victory and engage in a retreat strategic redeployment of our troops. Sure we are now claiming that Zarqawi's only a minor thug, now that he's dead after 3 years of proclaiming him an unstoppable and indestructible popular freedom fighter, it's still time to surrender change direction.

We should move all of our troops and planes out of Iraq and put them in a more strategic location where they can still be effective, like Okinawa.

Sure, some of you right-wing baby-blood-drinking military types will say that's crazy simply because Okinawa's thousands of miles away from Iraq and any mission to aid the new Iraqi democracy will have to fly over China and Iran. I don't see any problems with them because I'm positive China and Iran have America's best interests at heart.

How do I know that?

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm visited regularly by a little green alien from the future named The Great Gazoo. Only I can see him, but he's really, really smart, and he's telling me that appeasing Islamic fascism is the only true path to peace.

America needs to listen to Gazoo and his infinite wisdom, he says we need to be more like Bill Clinton in our foreign policy. So I suggesting that once we impeach Bush and restore Al Gore to the throne Oval Office we immediately cancel all intelligence and national security briefings that might lead America to defend itself.

So don't you dare question my patriotism, or my sanity, because I served in VietNam, that makes me right about everything, and if you piss me off I might just have Gazoo turn you into a toad or something!

So remember this November to Vote Democrat and Vote Often.

This message brought to you by The Great Gazoo Foundation: Helping People Avoid Reality for 40 Years.

My Bosses Are Jerks!

A Special Guest Commentary
by
Abu Hamza Al Mujahir
Commander of Al-Qaida in Iraq
Pissed Off Jihadi!

It's official.

My bosses are dicks.

All week they've been telling me what a great guy I am, how nobody beheads infidels and massacres civilians like me, all the while they were playing me for a sucker.

I'm not talking about the whole appointing me leader of Al-Qaida in Iraq, that was bad enough, but the pack of goat-fondlers were setting me up. They announced that I was the commander, thus making my sweet butt a target, meanwhile Abu Ayyab Al Masri was made the real commander all along. He gets to make the decisions and give the orders, while I'm stuck with the paperwork!

Damn it!

Now this where Islamic disaffection comes from, not from you infidel imperialists with your democracies and rights, but from our own leaders, who lie, cheat, and murder to get their way and they don't care whose feeling they hurt!

I should have seen it coming Al-Masri was always Zawahiri's favourite, and Bin Ladin was always praising Al-Masri, saying stuff like: "Good work beheading those doctors," or "way to go slitting those schoolgirl's throats."

Not to say he was a brown-noser, but doctors once detected a growth on Bin Ladin's colon, and it turned out to be Al-Masri's head.

Oh well, at least the Yankee imperialist infidel pig-dogs aren't looking to blast my butt into bologna, so I should relax.

But what am I going to do with all the vitriolic anti-American, anti-Semitic screeds I was going to do for Al-Jazeera?

I know, I could get a job at Democratic Underground!

It Ain't Me Babe, It Ain't Me Your Lookin' For!

A Special Guest Commentary
by
Abu Hamza Al Mujahir
Commander of Al-Qaida in Iraq

Howdy.

I figure since all you infidels are yakking about me, I better introduce myself. I'm Abu Hamza Mujahir, which is Arabic for Abu Hamza the Immigrant. Though it might as well stand for Abu hamza the Sucker.

Yep, I'm a sucker, a chump, a grade-A total tard-o-head.

Why?

Because I accepted the job of being commander of the grand old cluster-wank called the Insurgency in Iraq.

I didn't want to be the commander. I sent memo after memo to Zawahiri and Bin Ladin about how Abu Ayyab Al-Masri was the best guy for the job. Little did I know that he was sending his own memos saying I was best for the position.

He was always a scheming little son of a camel spanker. even back at Camp Farook, he'd cut the cheese in the cave and blame it on poor Achmed, who then got a finger cut off. After a week poor Achmed was renamed Stumpy and couldn't even pull the trigger on his AK-47 to massacre schoolchildren.

Anyway, the main reason why I didn't want the job was because I look really bad with 500 pounds of Yankee infidel explosives on top of my head. I mean whatever poor bastard who lands this job is going to spend the rest of his short-assed life with a big-fat bullseye painted on his forehead.

And that poor bastard is me!

Damn.

Of course you can't say no to the Big Caliphs Bin Ladin and Zawahiri, because they behead those who won't give them what they want. And get this: Not only do I have the most powerful nation on Earth looking to turn my sorry ass into smoked meat thanks to Islam's brain-trust, the Powers That Be in Al Qaida think I should put together a little video-elegy for the recently martyred Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

That's one of Ayyab's ideas, it just reeks of him. Not only will I have to show my face in the video, or appear a coward in the face of the infidel, but I have to come up with something nice to say about Al-Zarqawi.

I mean, sure we fought together, camped together, and sawed the heads of reconstruction workers together, but that doesn't mean I actually liked the bastard.

I mean come on, he was a thug, and a pervert with a taste for very young girls. Oh the things he did when he got that Olsen Twins calendar would curl your beard.

What nice thing can I say about a man who didn't even have the decency to offer a reach-around during those cold lonely nights in the dessert?

Maybe I could say:

Zarqawi rarely strangled kittens.

Sure he raped her, but he kept her veil on.

He never beheaded anyone who didn't have it coming, by doing evil things like helping Iraqis.

What can I say about a man who is only admired by psychopaths, murderers, and Democrats?

I don't know...

...Hmmm...

Perhaps I could say this:

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi never hid his faults.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I really have to run for my life now.

Bye.

----
UPDATE: I'm as mad as hell, read about it here!

CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!

Fox News Anchor really sticks it to the woman from the Church of the Homophobic Unholy Moonbat People*. Go girl! (ht: Michelle Malkin)

*otherwise known as CHUMP.

It's Official...

...the recently arrested wannabe Canadian Jihadis are as guilty as sin.

How do you know?

Their lawyers are claiming that they are being tortured.

Wait a minute that sounds familiar?

It should, because every Al-Qaida suspect claims to have been tortured at the hands of those evil Yankees, Brits, and now Canucks.

Why?

Despite the opinions of the political left, western liberal democracies don't regularly engage in torture, and have a tendency to punish those who do torture. This is Canada, not Syria we're talking about here, and a case with worldwide media scrutiny so these claims should be taken with a pound of salt.

So why would these Jihadist lie?

Because Al-Qaida tells them to. Police in Manchester, England found an Al-Qaida training manual for wannabe mass murderers, and it tells them to accuse their captors of torture whether it's happening or not.

Why would Al-Qaida want that, don't they know that fibbing is wrong?

Because folks on the political left will believe any crackpot claim they make, because they secretly root for fascists and will use the torture excuse to fight to set them free to kill again.

Since this pretty much proves their guilt, they will no doubt be freed by the Canadian justice system.

Pass me my crying towel...

Some folks are reporting that Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, everyone's favourite rapist and mass murder, was beaten before he died by American troops.

Boo-freakin-hoo.

There is also reports of a triple suicide pact among prisoners at Gitmo. Two Saudis and a Yemeni are dead by their own hands.

Excuse while I find a reason not to cry.

No word as of this writing of the cause of death. But if the Yemeni jumped to his doom, then I would be forced to call out "Yumpin' Yemeni."

God, this war has turned me into a real heartless bastard.

Thanks a lot Osama.

Now's Your Chance To Really Give Surrender A Chance!

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT

BY
CONGRESSMAN
JOHN MURTHA
(D-Pennhead)

My fellow Americans.We live in a troubled and confusing time. the specter of terrorism stalks the Earth like a great big... um... thing that stalks other things. We're in the middle of a war and worst of all, there are Republicans in the White House,

That's why I'm giving you this very special message. I've been told by some friends that work as analysts in the CIA that the Democrats are a shoo-in for the majority in Congress in the 2006 mid-term elections. They have to be right considering how accurate they were with the whole fall of the Soviet Bloc, Iraqi WMDs, and predicting terrorist attacks like 9/11.And with a Democratic Party majority we can finally start setting things right with the world.

First the lovely, talented, and never shrill, Nancy Pelosi will no doubt be elected Speaker of the House, leaving the post of then Majority Leader open. I want to throw my hat into the ring to become your Majority Leader in Congress.

Once in that position I will do the things that will truly make America great.

First we will impeach not only the criminal Bushitler from the White House, we'll toss out his entire cabinet. And once they're gone we'll officially appoint Al Gore to the position he rightfully won in 2000 before those stupid voters got involved.

Sure, there will be a few right-wing nutbars out there who will say it's unconstitutional, but what are they gonna do when we reassign all the Supreme Court seats to Democrats.

Once we have firmly expelled the disease of an elected Republican administration from Washington, we plan to order the immediate withdrawal of all of the baby-killing psycopaths you Red State losers call soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan.

Zarqawi's dead, so there's no reason to stay there if it's only going to lead to some sort of democracy.

There will be some folks, extreme right wing think tankers mostly, who will decry such actions as treasonous and possibly suicidal.

But we won't have to listen to them, because in the interest of media neutrality, we will enact a law effectively banning talk radio, Fox News, and free speech on the internet.

It's the only way to convince people that it wasn't democracy that made America great, it's Democrats.

So vote Democrat in 2006, and vote often.

I know I will.

This message was paid for by the MoveOut PAC, a division of the George Soros Foundation for the Promotion of His Politically Connected Friends.

1 on 1 with Lt. Ehren Watada

VOX POPLAR- Since everyone's busy reveling in the recent demise of Abu-Musab Al Zarqawi I've decide to take a look at a story that is being overwhelmed by the recent victory against terrorism. I'm talking about Lt. Ehren Watada. Until recently he was a junior officer, but then he got the call to deploy for a tour in Iraq and all of a sudden he decided that a career in the military wasn't for him. So to get to the bottom of this issue I now present this fake, but accurate interview with Lt. Ehren Watada. Welcome to my blog.

EHREN WATADA- It's great to be here. Great to be anywhere but Iraq.

VOX POPLAR- I wouldn't say that if I was the one heading to Leavenworth.

EHREN WATADA- What?

VOX POPLAR- Nothing. Let's cut to the chase. After you graduated college you joined the Army's Officer Candidate school, you graduated that program and was commissioned a Lieutenant, am I right?

EHREN WATADA- That's right.

VOX POPLAR- Now you did all this after America went to war in Iraq, and all of a sudden you declare the war to be illegal, immoral, and fattening, and refuse orders to go. Why did you make this sudden leap from eager beaver junior officer to craven deserter?

EHREN WATADA- Well, there were a lot of lies told when I joined the Army.

VOX POPLAR- About the causes of the Iraq war?

EHREN WATADA- No, about Army life. IT'S FULL OF PEOPLE WHO CARRY GUNS! Can you believe it! And they got tanks and fighter planes going around all over the freaking place, I mean somebody could get hurt!

VOX POPLAR- So your defense on the charge of desertion is not that you're not just a coward, but also an idiot.

EHREN WATADA- I wouldn't go that far.

VOX POPLAR- I would. Now how do you respond about some folks who look at your case and see a shameless political stunt engineered by your father?

EHREN WATADA- This is not a stunt! I am acting completely on my own.

VOX POPLAR- So your father, anti-Vietnam war activist, and Democratic Party gauleiter for Hawaii, hasn't talked you into doing all this to subvert the morale of your comrades while helping his political buddies score points?

EHREN WATADA- Absolutely not!

VOX POPLAR- So you're a coward?

EHREN WATADA- No! I'm showing great courage by taking this stand against the fascist USA and its Rethuglikkkan dictatorship!

VOX POPLAR- I'd disagree with that. You are in fact showing enormous stupidity to choose Leavenworth over service in a country that has a lower fatality rate than peacetime life in most major American cities. So the only logical explanation I can think of is that your politically connected Pappy talked you into a little season of treason so he can win points with his Move On buddies while harming the war effort. No doubt he's promised some sort of extrajudicial intervention from his political friends to save your sorry excuse for a hide. Isn't that it?

EHREN WATADA- You're not nice at all, and I don't even know the meaning of the word extra-prudential. I'm leaving!

VOX POPLAR- What's the matter, scared?

EHREN WATADA- No, I'm taking a stand. And I'm taking that stand the way my Daddy taught me, the Democratic Party way.

VOX POPLAR- You're going to run away?

(Footsteps)

VOX POPLAR- He ran away. Go figure. See you next time folks.

The Rumours of My Death Have Been Pretty Accurate

1 ON 1 with the soul of Abu-Musab Al Zarqawi

VOX POPLAR- The world is abuzz with the news that Al-Qaida in Iraq commander, terrorist, mass murderer, and idol to Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan: Abu Musab Al Zarqawi was killed along with several top aides. Now we here at Vox Poplar Is Right About Everything & Don't You Forget It aren't going to let a simple matter like death get in the way of making the big scoop, so thanks to a little black magic and a few bribes we have opened a portal into the darkest pit of hell for this exclusive interview. Welcome to my blog Mr. Al Zarqawi.

AL ZARQAWI- I'd say it's good to be here, but apparently there's nothing good going on here at all... OUCH! That-that thing just bit me on the arse!

VOX POPLAR- Yeah, there are lots of little biting things down there Abu. Can I call you Abu?

AL ZARQAWI- It sure beats what the demons are calling me here.

VOX POPLAR- What's that?

AL ZARQAWI- Abu Musab Al Bee-yotch.

VOX POPLAR- You sound genuinely surprised to find yourself in Hell.

AL ZARQAWI- Damn right. What the in the name of Allah did I do to deserve this? I tried to live my life the way my Imams told me the Koran wanted me to live. I killed men, women, and children, I raped, I stole, and I desecrated holy sites why trying to spread sectarian hatred and bloodshed. All that was supposed to land me seventy-four virgins and a palace where milk and honey flow like water, but I got none of that!

VOX POPLAR- What did you end up with in the afterlife?

AL ZARQAWI- Let's see, I'm constantly getting the flesh burnt off my feet while my back-hairs are pulled out with duct-tape and some big demon keeps tea-bagging me in the face. And later today they're going to introduce me to something they call "The Great Pineapple Back-Door Trick," and that can't be good.

VOX POPLAR- I'm sure it is.

AL ZARQAWI- It can't be that killing all those innocent people wasn't what Allah wanted. Osama Bin Ladin and Ayman Al Zawahiri can't be wrong with the whole "slay the infidel" spiel, they're the most profound spiritual thinkers the world has ever seen. There must be some other reason why I'm in this place.

VOX POPLAR- Not really, sanctions against murder go back to Moses and the original 10 commandments.

AL ZARQAWI- I knew it!

VOX POPLAR- Knew what?

AL ZARQAWI- That the Joos are the reason I'm here. What with all their morality, and ethics and such. Oh yeah, it's all their fault! OW!!! I got bit in the babaganoosh!

VOX POPLAR- So you don't think your condemnation to hell is your fault?

AL ZARQAWI- It can't be. Those American infidel pig-dogs must have put pork in their bombs! That's it!

VOX POPLAR- So you honestly believe that instead of being punished for your many atrocities, you have fallen victim to some sort of infidel pork-based weapon, like a bacon bomb?

AL ZARQAWI- Ah-ha! You know all about it! Yes, it has to be their fault! All those beheadings and desecrations had to please Allah, it's the damn USA/Zionist conspiracy that sent me to Hell!

VOX POPLAR- Okay, since you're such an expert on theology, perhaps you can answer these questions.

AL ZARQAWI- Sure, I got some time before my next tea-bagging.

VOX POPLAR- Allah is all powerful, right?

AL ZARQAWI- Yes, Allah is all powerful.

VOX POPLAR- And you firmly believe that you served Allah's will, correct?

AL ZARQAWI- Correct.

VOX POPLAR- Then why would an all powerful Allah allow one of his most beloved and loyal servants to be condemned to an eternity of suffering and torment because of the actions of non-believers?

AL ZARQAWI- Hey! What's with all this logic talk? You're not from the mainstream media!

VOX POPLAR- Why does your version of Allah give such power to non-believers?

AL ZARQAWI- This interview is over!

VOX POPLAR- Well, that's all for now folks, Al Zarqawi is in Hell, and it looks like he'll be there for a mighty long time. So until next time goodbye.

This Blog Brought To You By...

1 on 1 with the RCMP & CSIS about the Canadian Jihad Case

VOX POPLAR- Welcome back. Now both of my regular readers probably know that I recently interviewed a representative of the RCMP, and it didn't go all that well. So to clear the air about the investigation into the alleged terrorists and their alleged plots I'm joined by Inspector Ed Widget of the RCMP and from the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service, a senior operative who, for matters of security will be called Agent Number Two, even though his real name is Dwight Hassenpeffer and he lives at 322 Hottentot Lane in Ottawa. Welcome to my blog.

INSPECTOR WIDGET- It's good to be here.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm or deny whether it's good to be here or not.

VOX POPLAR- Okay. Let's get right to the heart of the matter. How is the investigation into Canada's homegrown jihadis going?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Nobody said anything about there being any jihadis in Canada. As far the RCMP is concerned, there is no jihadist activity in Canada.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- In the interest of national security I can neither agree or disagree with Inspector Widget's statement.

VOX POPLAR- How can you say that there is no jihadist activity in Canada. According to reports these men planned to blow up several landmarks, gun down people on the street, and kidnap and behead the Prime Minister of Canada?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- It is our belief that the planned mass slaughter was a way of expressing political and social discontent, and in no way connected to jihadist movements in the Middle East and Afghanistan.

VOX POPLAR- How do you explain the presence of Zaynab Khadr, of Canada's infamous Khadr family, showing up at their court appearance to lend support to the accused? Her family's is wrapped up in the al Qaida movement literally up to the eye-slits in her burka. First her father, Achmed Said Khadr, was a major fundraiser for al Qaida terrorism, one brother was paralyzed fighting for the Taliban in Afghanistan, and another one is locked up in Gitmo for killing a US Army medic. Osama Bin Ladin was a guest at her wedding in 1999, and last year your own RCMP seized materials from her that proved to be a treasure trove of intelligence on al Qaida.

INSPECTOR WIDGET- It is possible for Ms. Khadr to have a life outside of her work for al Qaida. I have a life outside of the RCMP.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm or deny having a life outside of my work.

VOX POPLAR- I'm not talking about golf or stamp collecting. I'm talking about backing Islamic terrorism abroad, and then showing public support for terrorism in what's supposed to be her home country-

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Stop with the "I" word there mister.

VOX POPLAR- What?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- We don't like people using that word when it comes to describing the suspects.

VOX POPLAR- What word?

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm, nor deny which word it is.

VOX POPLAR- Wait a minute. Are talking about "Islamic?"

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Maybe.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- We can neither confirm or deny our displeasure over the use of the word "Islamic" to describe these suspects.

VOX POPLAR- This is that whole Constable Stubble thing again isn't it. Why is the RCMP and CSIS so unwilling to use the word Islamic to describe what is obviously a classic example of an Islamic terrorist plot?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- We do not wish to create the image that Islamic peoples are somehow prone to violence and connected to terrorism. That would be offensive to Muslims. And offending Muslims could result in getting a lot of people killed.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- We can neither confirm or deny that offending Muslims will result in death threats or violence.

VOX POPLAR- So if they're not driven by Islamic fundamentalism, what made these people do what they are accused of doing?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- We don't know, the suspects come from a broad strata of society, and apparently have no connection to each other.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- CSIS can neither confirm or deny the possibility of some sort of extra-terrestrial mind control device being used on them.

INSPECTOR WIDGET- And with that as our best theory, we're a bit buffaloed as to motive.

VOX POPLAR- Wait a minute, are you saying that all the thousands of man-hours spent on this investigation and you have no idea as to their motive or how they were brought together?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Exactly.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm or deny the use of the word exactly.

VOX POPLAR- Meanwhile everybody else in the world can see that they are all Muslims and that all attended the same Toronto mosque. A mosque that had fallen under the control of the conspiracy's alleged leader.

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Like I said, they represent a broad strata of society.

VOX POPLAR- So being all of the same religious affiliation and attending services at the same place of worship is just a coincidence?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Exactly.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm or deny that.

VOX POPLAR- Why do I get the feeling that we're going around in circles here?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Sometimes truth can be circular.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- Oooh, Zen... I mean, I can neither confirm or deny if what my colleague just stated was Zen or not.

VOX POPLAR- If religion isn't important to this case and to the suspects, why did your officers undergo special training in the handling of Korans and special plans were made to provide Islamic prayer materials in their cells?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Just another coincidence.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm or deny the existence of the phenomenon of the coincidence.

VOX POPLAR- So, in your opinion, there's no need to look into the larger Muslim community around the suspects with whom the openly preached violent jihad and publicly discussed religious justifications for suicide bombings?

INSPECTOR WIDGET- Absolutely none, because any request for Canada's Muslim community to excise the jihadist cancer that is rapidly destroying it from the inside would be considered considered offensive to Muslims.

VOX POPLAR- I think we've gone as far you can without going completely nuts.

AGENT NUMBER TWO- I can neither confirm or deny that.

VOX POPLAR- Goodbye for now and see you next time. Hopefully I'll have something that will make sense by then.