VOX POPLAR- The world is abuzz with the news that Al-Qaida in Iraq commander, terrorist, mass murderer, and idol to Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan: Abu Musab Al Zarqawi was killed along with several top aides. Now we here at Vox Poplar Is Right About Everything & Don't You Forget It aren't going to let a simple matter like death get in the way of making the big scoop, so thanks to a little black magic and a few bribes we have opened a portal into the darkest pit of hell for this exclusive interview. Welcome to my blog Mr. Al Zarqawi.
AL ZARQAWI- I'd say it's good to be here, but apparently there's nothing good going on here at all... OUCH! That-that thing just bit me on the arse!
VOX POPLAR- Yeah, there are lots of little biting things down there Abu. Can I call you Abu?
AL ZARQAWI- It sure beats what the demons are calling me here.
VOX POPLAR- What's that?
AL ZARQAWI- Abu Musab Al Bee-yotch.
VOX POPLAR- You sound genuinely surprised to find yourself in Hell.
AL ZARQAWI- Damn right. What the in the name of Allah did I do to deserve this? I tried to live my life the way my Imams told me the Koran wanted me to live. I killed men, women, and children, I raped, I stole, and I desecrated holy sites why trying to spread sectarian hatred and bloodshed. All that was supposed to land me seventy-four virgins and a palace where milk and honey flow like water, but I got none of that!
VOX POPLAR- What did you end up with in the afterlife?
AL ZARQAWI- Let's see, I'm constantly getting the flesh burnt off my feet while my back-hairs are pulled out with duct-tape and some big demon keeps tea-bagging me in the face. And later today they're going to introduce me to something they call "The Great Pineapple Back-Door Trick," and that can't be good.
VOX POPLAR- I'm sure it is.
AL ZARQAWI- It can't be that killing all those innocent people wasn't what Allah wanted. Osama Bin Ladin and Ayman Al Zawahiri can't be wrong with the whole "slay the infidel" spiel, they're the most profound spiritual thinkers the world has ever seen. There must be some other reason why I'm in this place.
VOX POPLAR- Not really, sanctions against murder go back to Moses and the original 10 commandments.
AL ZARQAWI- I knew it!
VOX POPLAR- Knew what?
AL ZARQAWI- That the Joos are the reason I'm here. What with all their morality, and ethics and such. Oh yeah, it's all their fault! OW!!! I got bit in the babaganoosh!
VOX POPLAR- So you don't think your condemnation to hell is your fault?
AL ZARQAWI- It can't be. Those American infidel pig-dogs must have put pork in their bombs! That's it!
VOX POPLAR- So you honestly believe that instead of being punished for your many atrocities, you have fallen victim to some sort of infidel pork-based weapon, like a bacon bomb?
AL ZARQAWI- Ah-ha! You know all about it! Yes, it has to be their fault! All those beheadings and desecrations had to please Allah, it's the damn USA/Zionist conspiracy that sent me to Hell!
VOX POPLAR- Okay, since you're such an expert on theology, perhaps you can answer these questions.
AL ZARQAWI- Sure, I got some time before my next tea-bagging.
VOX POPLAR- Allah is all powerful, right?
AL ZARQAWI- Yes, Allah is all powerful.
VOX POPLAR- And you firmly believe that you served Allah's will, correct?
AL ZARQAWI- Correct.
VOX POPLAR- Then why would an all powerful Allah allow one of his most beloved and loyal servants to be condemned to an eternity of suffering and torment because of the actions of non-believers?
AL ZARQAWI- Hey! What's with all this logic talk? You're not from the mainstream media!
VOX POPLAR- Why does your version of Allah give such power to non-believers?
AL ZARQAWI- This interview is over!
VOX POPLAR- Well, that's all for now folks, Al Zarqawi is in Hell, and it looks like he'll be there for a mighty long time. So until next time goodbye.
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