It Ain't Me Babe, It Ain't Me Your Lookin' For!

A Special Guest Commentary
by
Abu Hamza Al Mujahir
Commander of Al-Qaida in Iraq

Howdy.

I figure since all you infidels are yakking about me, I better introduce myself. I'm Abu Hamza Mujahir, which is Arabic for Abu Hamza the Immigrant. Though it might as well stand for Abu hamza the Sucker.

Yep, I'm a sucker, a chump, a grade-A total tard-o-head.

Why?

Because I accepted the job of being commander of the grand old cluster-wank called the Insurgency in Iraq.

I didn't want to be the commander. I sent memo after memo to Zawahiri and Bin Ladin about how Abu Ayyab Al-Masri was the best guy for the job. Little did I know that he was sending his own memos saying I was best for the position.

He was always a scheming little son of a camel spanker. even back at Camp Farook, he'd cut the cheese in the cave and blame it on poor Achmed, who then got a finger cut off. After a week poor Achmed was renamed Stumpy and couldn't even pull the trigger on his AK-47 to massacre schoolchildren.

Anyway, the main reason why I didn't want the job was because I look really bad with 500 pounds of Yankee infidel explosives on top of my head. I mean whatever poor bastard who lands this job is going to spend the rest of his short-assed life with a big-fat bullseye painted on his forehead.

And that poor bastard is me!

Damn.

Of course you can't say no to the Big Caliphs Bin Ladin and Zawahiri, because they behead those who won't give them what they want. And get this: Not only do I have the most powerful nation on Earth looking to turn my sorry ass into smoked meat thanks to Islam's brain-trust, the Powers That Be in Al Qaida think I should put together a little video-elegy for the recently martyred Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

That's one of Ayyab's ideas, it just reeks of him. Not only will I have to show my face in the video, or appear a coward in the face of the infidel, but I have to come up with something nice to say about Al-Zarqawi.

I mean, sure we fought together, camped together, and sawed the heads of reconstruction workers together, but that doesn't mean I actually liked the bastard.

I mean come on, he was a thug, and a pervert with a taste for very young girls. Oh the things he did when he got that Olsen Twins calendar would curl your beard.

What nice thing can I say about a man who didn't even have the decency to offer a reach-around during those cold lonely nights in the dessert?

Maybe I could say:

Zarqawi rarely strangled kittens.

Sure he raped her, but he kept her veil on.

He never beheaded anyone who didn't have it coming, by doing evil things like helping Iraqis.

What can I say about a man who is only admired by psychopaths, murderers, and Democrats?

I don't know...

...Hmmm...

Perhaps I could say this:

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi never hid his faults.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I really have to run for my life now.

Bye.

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UPDATE: I'm as mad as hell, read about it here!