VOX POPLAR- A lot of people are upset over the New York Times's exposure of the SWIFT program that tracked terrorist financing. The man at the center of that storm is New York Times executive editor Bill Keller, who has joined me now. Welcome to my blog Mr. Keller.
BILL KELLER- Good to be here Mr. Poplar.
VOX POPLAR- So, your paper published information exposing the existence of a counter-terrorism program, why did you do that?
BILL KELLER- The public has a right to know.
VOX POPLAR- What right to know? The program was legal, constitutional, and officials went above and beyond to provide safeguards against individuals getting their rights violated. You published it to try to provoke outrage among Americans, yet you only created outrage against the New York Times.
BILL KELLER- It was done under a Republican President. Sheesh, am I the only one that can see the evil inherent in that?
VOX POPLAR- Are you in anyway concerned that this program will cost American lives?
BILL KELLER- Not among New York Times readers. Our marketing research shows that the kinds of people killed in Iraq and in terrorist attacks do not read the New York Times.
VOX POPLAR- You mean average Americans?
BILL KELLER- Yes. Our key demographic of rich people who spend their weekends at mansions in the Hamptons have not been getting killed by terrorists. I think that proves that reading the New York Times immunizes you from terrorist attacks.
VOX POPLAR- That's pretty specious reasoning.
BILL KELLER- If by specious, you mean brilliant, thank you. So remember, our falling circulation is endangering more American lives than the exposure of any secret anti-terrorist program.
VOX POPLAR- Let's get back to reality. Terrorists will escape justice because of the exposure of this program, and people will die, whether they read the New York Times or not. What gives you the right to expose the SWIFT program?
BILL KELLER- I'm the editor of the New York Times! That makes me the most important person in the planet! I think I know what needs to be kept secret and what doesn't.
VOX POPLAR- Even though the New York Times and your predecessor Howell Raines let Jayson Blair run wild with manufactured fictions without knowing it.
BILL KELLER- Oh, what's with all these facts!?! Are you trying to oppress my freedom of speech!
VOX POPLAR- No, I'm simply practicing my right to freedom of speech.
BILL KELLER- Look, we are not at war...
VOX POPLAR- What do you mean America is not at war? What about the World Trade Center attack?
BILL KELLER- I didn't say 'America' I said 'we.' This so-called War On Terror belongs solely to the Bush Administration, and does not involve the New York Times and its core demographic of limousine liberals in any way.
VOX POPLAR- But you're part of America, aren't you?
BILL KELLER- The New York Times belongs to the world. Or to be more accurate, the world belongs to the New York Times.
VOX POPLAR- I think you're nuttier than squirrel poop.
BILL KELLER- There was no harm/no foul with this story. We didn't expose anything that Al-Qaida didn't already know.
VOX POPLAR- How can you possibly know that? Hell, figures from both parties, and according to some sources, even John 'Moonbat' Murtha, begged you not to run the story and keep the secret in order to save lives, but you printed it anyway based on some vague intuition that it would be okay.
BILL KELLER- Of course, I am the arbiter of what all truth is! KNEEL BEFORE ME!
VOX POPLAR- What?
BILL KELLER- KNEEL BEFORE KELLER!
VOX POPLAR- Okay that's it, I'm out of here. But before I go, I want you to know that every person who dies at the hands of terrorists was, in part, killed by you and your newspaper. Goodbye.
(Vox Poplar leaves)
BILL KELLER- Get back here! I command you!