FLAW & ODOUR

FADE IN:

In television the opinions and beliefs of limousine liberals are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The actors who play out the Democratic Party's talking points, and the millionaire producers who use them to keep their memberships in the Hamptons country club. These are their stories...

DUNK-DUNK!

OUTSIDE NBC HQ, NEW YORK, 9:15 AM, 3RD DAY OF SWEEPS

Detectives MONTANA and BREEN come out of their car. An NBC SECURITY GUARD is standing watch over a bloody sheet that's covering a lump on the sidewalk.

MONTANA What have you got?

NBC SECURITY It's pretty bad.

BREEN Let's have a look.

The NBC Guard lifts up a sheet. Both Montana and Breen look ready to hurl.

BREEN (CONT'D) Man, that must have been a bad fall.

MONTANA He popped like a ketchup packet. Any ID on him?

NBC SECURITY Yeah, says here that he's the ratings for our show.

MONTANA Another one. If our ratings keep falling like this we'll be lucky to score a sitcom on UPN.

BREEN The ratings could be falling of their own accord. Maybe audiences just aren't happy with our show anymore.

MONTANA Don't be a retard. We make episodes slandering America's troops, government, and citizens based on wild conspiracy theories concocted by Michael Moore and MoveOn.Org. How can the American audience not love it.

BREEN What do we do?

MONTANA What we always do. Poke around until we find a religious person or potential Republican voter and arrest him for it.

BREEN Okay, but the religious person has to be a Christian. Because we all know it's racist to imply that any Muslim ever did anything to harm anyone in New York.

The two detectives head off, completely ignoring the gap in the skyline where the World Trade Centre used to be.

DUNK-DUNK!

APT. OF JOE BLOW. 227 AVERAGE STREET. 4TH DAY OF SWEEPS.

Montana and Breen kick open the door, guns drawn, scaring the crap out of JOE BLOW, an average fellow having breakfast and reading a newspaper.

MONTANA Freeze dirtbag!

JOE BLOW What the hell!

BREEN Look at that!

Breen points to a cross hanging on the living room wall.

MONTANA My god, he's one of those Christians. (to Joe) Keep your hands up sicko.

Montana cuffs Joe while Breen goes through the room.

BREEN Look at his newspaper.

MONTANA It's not the New York Times, and it's actually acknowledging the Iraqi election! You filthy flyover Red State bastard! Let's bring him in.

DUNK-DUNK!

OFFICE OF D.A. ARTHUR BLANCH, FOURTH DAY OF SWEEPS

BLANCH Do you think arresting this Joe Blow fellow is going to keep our ratings from plunging.

Assistant DA Jack McSoy leaps from his chair and start ranting passionately.

MCSOY It has to. An example must be made to show these law abiding Christian Republicans that they're the cause of all the crime and misery in the world.

BLANCH You know, constantly blaming America and the majority of its citizens for all the world's ills might be the reason our ratings are taking swan dives. Then again, I'm just the occassional voice of reason and no one is really supposed to listen to me anyway, even though I'm usually right.

MCSOY I'm taking this to trial. There will be no deals.

Enter attractive brunette Junior DA Burqa.

BURQA We might have a problem. Joe Blow's lawyers have filed a motion to get the charges dismissed on the grounds that plunging ratings are our own fault because of our ham-handed way of handling controversial subjects.

MCSOY Damn it! I won't worry, most of the judges here are Democrats, they'll blindly support us as long as we can blame it on George W. Bush.

DUNK-DUNK!

TRIAL PART 69, 6TH DAY OF SWEEPS

McSoy's in front of the jury arguing passionately.

MCSOY Abu Ghraib proved that our military is nothing but a collection of sadistic psychopaths hell bent on spreading terror and misery everywhere they go.

DEFENCE LAWYER I object. My client has never served in the military.

MCSOY That proves my point. He's a damn Christian Fundamentalist Neo-Con Chicken Hawk who barbecues babies at Halliburton company picnics!

DEFENCE LAWYER Screw this we're leaving.

MCSOY You can't leave! This is my show!

Jack turns back to the jury only to see that they've left. He turns to the judge, who is also gone. He's the only person in an empty courtroom.

MCSOY (CONT'D) Ah, crap.

A WICK DOLF PRODUCTION

The Poplar Report

DATELINE LONDON: Lefty literary salon Verso Press has released a volume of the collected statements of radical-chic mass murderer Usama Bin Ladin. Now the book is a lot of the same old-same old that we've come to expect from a literary lion like Bin Ladin. The usual turgid calls for death to the Americans, Jews, women, gays, atheists, Christians, artists and writers, you know, the usual stuff supported by the 'Progressive Left,' but the really interesting stuff is what was left out of this collection. So here are the Bin Ladin statements that the editors at Verso didn't think were 'revolutionary enough.'

"You know, I really, really like fudge. I know, it goes straight to my thighs, but I love it."

"My kidneys are fine. Zawahiri's a doctor and he says it's normal for a man my age to pee blood occassionally."

"I call for more Jihadis to join our sacred war against the Zionists and Crusaders! But before you come to you training camp, can you pick up a bottle of Chin & Cheeks Beard Shampoo. I've been stuck in this cave for months and my beard is a freaking nightmare of tangles."

"Damn, those Yanks sure do have a shitload of bombs. I like really underestimated that."

"Who the hell farted?"

"I love those lefty westerners. We pledge to kill them and they love us for it. Boy, I'd love to see the looks on their faces when my Caliphate comes to power. Come to think about it, I could have their heads mounted and that way I can see those looks forever."

Pretty heady stuff.

DATELINE: NEW YORK/HOLLYWOOD: Time Magazine has named its People of the Year for 2005. This time it's uber-billionaire Bill Gates, his wife Melinda and Rock star/Cause Whore Bono from the band U2.

They were named for their dedication to eradicating poverty and disease in the 3rd World. Bill and Melinda Gates for their foundation that spends hundreds of millions of dollars fighting poverty and disease and Bono for being a celebrity who's really good at posing as a philanthropist.

If time wanted to 'sex up' the People of the Year with a celebrity they should have named Angelina Jolie. At least with her there's at least 2 Third World kids getting food, clothing and shelter, which is two more than any that Bono can claim.

Bono defended his work by stating "That it's perfectly reasonable for a multimillionaire who doesn't pay taxes to demand that working class people spend their tax dollars relieving the debts of countries run by corrupt dictatorships that have no incentive to reform or actually improve the lives of their people. Besides, I've got a world tour to promote and nothing sells tickets better than a stack of starving Africans."

Murder or Martyr

VOX: Good evening ladies and germs and welcome to the web's most popular game show "Murderer or Martyr?" Where our celebrity guests will try to figure out who's a murder and who's a martyr. Going head to head tonight are unemployed actor and self-employed activist Mike Farrell, and Nobel Prize winning playwright and crank Harold Pinter. First up, Mike Farrell. Tookie Williams. Murderer or Martyr?

MIKE FARRELL: I'll say martyr.

VOX: Sorry, you are dead wrong. He, is in fact, a murderer.

MIKE FARRELL: But he wrote some kid's books?

VOX: Yes, but he still murdered for people because of their race. You can still get some points if you answer this follow-up question. Would you try to save Tookie Williams if he was a white supremacist skinhead gang leader who killed an African American store clerk and a Chinese family, later wrote a book telling kids to avoid joining the Klan, but still denied any responsibility for his actions?

MIKE FARRELL: Eeewww! Hell no.

VOX: One point for admitting your own hypocrisy. But will it help you beat Harold here. Harold Pinter, Slobodan Milosevic: Murderer or Martyr?

HAROLD PINTER: Obviously he's a martyr to the blood soaked cause of American Imperialism. He's just misunderstood like Hitler or Saddam Hussein.

VOX: Sorry, you're wrong. But you can still get one point and tie with BJ Hunnicutt if you get this question right. Would Milosevic still be a martyr if he was overthrown by a military intervention by Russia?

HAROLD PINTER: Of course, Russia's not like America or Israel. They don't push around other countries and enslave whole continents with their democracy. Russia, especially under the good old days would never do anything to anyone unless they were truly evil.

VOX: So Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Afghanistan, and all the other nations oppressed by Russia were evil?

HAROLD PINTER: Don't be daft. Of course they're evil. They tried to live without the gentle guiding hand of Josef Stalin. That has to be evil.

VOX: Well, there are no points for Harold. So that makes Mike Farrell our winner.

MIKE FARRELL: What did I win?

VOX: A trip for two to Iran. One way. Now that I think about it. You can take Harold with you.

MIKE FARRELL: Woo-hoo! finally I can get out of this hell-hole of America and see a real freedom in action. Let's go Harold!

HAROLD PINTER: I'll gladly toss off the shackles of this foul western world and be truly free in Iran.

VOX: By the way Harold, tell them about your beliefs on religion, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear it.

Canadian Election Exclusive

Hi. I know it's been a while, but I'm back with the scoop of the Canadian Election Season, that time of year normally called Christmas. I have the upcoming campaign slogans of all the major political parties.

Let's get the ball rolling with the Liberal Party:

• Paul Martin's not a crook, he's just an idiot.
• Steven Harper is a big fat poopy pants.
• Why vote for the Tory's hidden agenda, when you can vote for ours.
• The Liberals: We're not only corrupt, we're incompetent.
• The Liberals: Thank God Ontario Voters are Sheep.
• The Liberals: You can't call us 'Organised Crime' because we're not organised.
• The Liberals: Promises we never keep, Legislation you didn't vote for.

The Conservative Party:

• Sure Harper's dull, but he isn't a crook.
• The Conservatives: Come on, don't be an idiot.
• Steven Harper: The other white meat.

The New Democratic Party:

• Jack Layton: Looks like a ferret, eats like one too.
• The NDP: Making Tommy Douglas spin in his grave since the 1980's.
• The NDP: We don't do the bidding of the corporation's because we're already the union's bitch.

The Bloc Quebecois:

• We've run their country for 30 years, now lets run our own into the ground.

The Green Party:

• When the NDP seems 'too right wing.'

The Marijuana Party:

• What? There's an election? Damn, we must have completely zoned on the date... whoah... my hands are so huge...

Evil Or Misunderstood?

VOX POPLAR: Good evening and welcome to the new political gameshow, Evil? Or Misunderstood? Where folks can display their knowledge of moral relativism. Tonight's contestant is a former political flack turned pseudo-journalistic hack, the host of CNBC's Hardball, Chris Matthews. Welcome Chris.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: It's good to be here Vox.

VOX POPLAR: That's Mr. Poplar to you. Now you made some comments during a recent trip to Canada that terrorists aren't evil, merely misunderstood.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: They are. The real evil in the world is the United States.

VOX POPLAR: Can the speeches Hardnuts. You're here to prove to the world that you are a real, honest to god expert on the nature of evil.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That's right.

VOX POPLAR: The rules are simple. I will present you with something and you have to figure out if those things I tell you are Evil, or just Misunderstood.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I'm ready.

VOX POPLAR: First question. You have kidnapped a woman who has dedicated her life to helping the people of the country you claim to want to liberate. Rather than let her go on with her work, you torture and then behead her. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Misunderstood.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Sorry. That is wrong. Doing that will make you Evil. Next question. You have invaded a country and overthrown its brutal dictator. You then begin reconstruction of that same country under difficult circumstances, helping them learn to work together, write a constitution and build democratic institutions. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That sounds like something America would do. I would definitely say Evil.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Sorry. Wrong again. That would make you misunderstood. You're way behind, but there's still a chance you can win our grand prize of absolute moral superiority. Here's our next question. You're the ruler of a country that is rich in natural resources. Instead of using those resources to improve the lives of your people, you instead build palaces, start wars with your neighbours, and use poison gas on your own citizens. Would this make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Hmmmm. This is a tricky one. It's the sort of thing we'd like to blame America for doing, even though America doesn't really do it... let me think. I'm going to go with Misunderstood.

VOX POPLAR: Is that your final answer?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Yes.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Wrong again, the answer is Evil. And the funny thing is that if you just guessed, you'd probably be right half of the time. Okay, next question. You run a country that is under constant terrorist attack. You have captured a terrorist, and to make him talk you can either pull on his shirt and talk rudely to him, or have an attractive young woman give him a lap dance. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That's horrible. Anyone who would do that is definitely Evil.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Wrong again. You're not doing too well here Chrissie Boy. Onto the next question. You have a bomb strapped to your chest and you have just deliberately blown up a hall during a wedding reception, killing dozens of innocent people. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Are those people Israelis?

VOX POPLAR: They could be, it doesn't really matter.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Well, if they are Israelis I'm going to say Misunderstood.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Looks like yet another leg has been taken off your moral high-horse. Doing that would make you Evil, no matter whose wedding it was. Only two more questions left, there's still a chance to walk away with second place, which would your last remaining shred of dignity. The question is: You are questioning the patriotism of politicians who are deliberately undermining your country's war effort by making statements that hearten your enemies, or publicly discussing classified information with supporters of terrorism. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: It's obviously Evil to question the patriotism of anyone who supports the enemies of their country.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: There goes your last shred of dignity. To get third place, which is certification that you have one functioning brain cell you have to get this question right. You are a politician who is deliberately undermining your own country's war effort in order to score cheap political points. A course of action that could possibly cost untold numbers of innocent lives. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That's simple. You'd be Misunderstood.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Congratulations. You have the same sense of right and wrong found in amoeba and psychopaths. Now get out of here before I have security toss you on your ass.

(Chris Matthews leaves)

VOX POPLAR: Join us next time when Al Franken comes to the show to tell us if stealing from poor children is Evil, or Misunderstood.

Ask Uncle Vox #3:

Hello kiddies and angry loners.

It's time once again to ASK UNCLE VOX!

The wonderful service where a cranky maladjusted antisocial misanthrope will help you with your problems.

Why?

Because the Bastard Judge says I have to for calling him a bastard!

Let's go to the first letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

A lot of people think I made a really big social faux pas. You see I sent some of friends to martyr themselves at an infidel hotel in the infidel country of Jordan. And that part of the job went smoothly. There was a lot of civilians killed, always a good thing in my line of work, but now everybody looks at me like I farted in the mosque.

What did I do wrong?

The folks in Jordan are all huffy because my peeps whacked some of their fellow Muslims. Well, why don't you file that under 'Well D'uh' you chuckleheads. Muslims kill more Muslims than all the Crusader, Zionists, Hindus and Buddhists combined. I kill Muslims everyday in Iraq, so why is it such a shock when I kill some in Jordan.

Why am I now looked on as a pariah?

What did I do that was so wrong?

Yours in Jihad

~Abu Musab Al-Z. Irritated In Iraq.

I think I can answer that.

First you don't screw around with a woman's wedding. They may not care how many aid workers you decapitate, but get blood and brain matter all over their new white dress and you're a dead man.

And plus, you should leave Jordan alone. Their Queen is hot, and that deserves some respect you ignorant eater of camel shit.

Onto the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a congressman, and I recently made a call for America to flee Iraq and surrender its fledgeling democracy to Wahabi Jihadists like Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

Sure, my call is probably being used as a recruiting tool for the Jihadists, and will no doubt make them more brazen in their lust for blood, but hey, I'm a Democrat. Republicans are supposed to get upset about possibly gay cartoon characters, Democrats are supposed to undermine national security and the morale of our troops that currently serving their country in Iraq while coddling dictators and hopefully foment possible genocide.

Now the bloggers are picking on me because my call for surrender was not only outlandish, unreasonable, and helpful to the enemy, but also because it was completely divorced from reality.

What should I do about them?

Should I continue with the 'chickenhawk' name-calling because I'm a Vietnam vet, even though it's a tacit endorsement of military rule, like in Starship Troopers? Or should I try a different tack?

My options are limited because I don't have any actual facts to back me up.

Sincerely

~John M. Wimping out in Washington.

Okay John.

I say stick with the 'chickenhawk' argument. Democrats lately seem to have developed a taste for genocidal dictators and inane statements. When Howard Dean's term is over you might consider making a run for his job.

Next letter:

Dear Uncle Vox.

Those right-wing bloggers are a real problem. I made one little trip to Saudi Arabia and Syria to discuss classified war plans with people who support terrorism, and suddenly I'm on the blogger shit list with talk of treason and violating something called the Logan Act.

What's the big deal?

It's not like I did something unspeakably evil like nominate a conservative constructionist to the Supreme Court, or reveal the name of someone in a non-classified position to people in media who mostly knew who she was anyway because her husband was lying about major foreign policy decisions. All I did was give allies and business partners of Saddam Hussein a chance to smuggle WMDs out of Iraq for possible future sale to terrorists and other rogue states while endangering the lives and mission of our men and women in uniform.

What should I do? Should I get a lawyer? Flee the country?

Sincerely

~Jay R. Squealing in the Senate.

Well Jay, I've thought over your problem, and I don't really see any trouble coming your way.

You're rich, white and a Democrat. That's practically a 'get out of jail free' card in America.

That's all for tonight folks, keep those e-mails coming because the Bastard Judge just doubled my community service sentence for calling him a bastard at the beginning of this post.

What?

It's tripled now!

Dammit!

Paris is a Smokin' Town

A Special Guest Commentary

by

Domenique De Villepin

Prime Minister of France

Bonjour, Anglais-Saxon-Americain Swine, it is me, ze most suave apologist for terrorism and fascism since Marshal Petain, Monsieur Domenique De Villepin.

An' I don't want any of ze Anglais swine mockery by telling moi, that moi name is more befitting a whore in ze Las Vegas, zan ze whore in the French Parliament.

Zout alors.

It's been a rough time 'ere in Paree. Ze city, she is no longer gay, but she is definitely flaming. Ze Muslims from Afrique an' ze Middle East are doing ze rioting an' ze burning, an' ze throwing of ze rocks. It az become most distressing, and I can not enjoy moi favourite wine, moi favourite cigarrettes, or ze company of moi favourite mistress.

An' it is after all ze nice zings ve 'ave done for zem. Like 'ating ze Joos, makin' ze kissy-up vith ze Yassar Arafat an ze Saddam Hussein. Also by 'elpin' zem preserve zeir culture by keepin' zem isolated in ze lovely, highly flammable ghettoes vith ze poor schools, ze lack of ze 'ope, ze dreadfully lax systeme de justice, an' ze steady supply of ze radical imams zey like zo much.

It is most distressing.

But vhat can ve do?

Zat smarty pants Zarkozy says that ve should 'get tough' with what he calls 'scum' and that we should take back the burning arrondisments by force, using ze French army of all things.

Does 'e not know zat we are French!?!

France has only two strategies to deal vith ze crisis of ze securite nationale. Ve either live in ze state of denial and try go on through life vith ze blinders over ze eyes, or we follow Mr. Zarkozy's suggestion an' ve play ze John Wayne an' call out ze army.

However...

Ze only time ze French Army hits the field it is to do the surrendering, and I don't zink zat would work vith zis crowd. I do not vant to live under ze Shar'ia. Ze vife vill have moi's testicles served on ze platter if she is forced to vear ze burka.

Zat leaves France with only one strategy. Ve deny zat ze insurrection is, in fact, an insurrection, and keep calling it a riot. Ve vill also try to buy off ze rioters vith ze bigger welfare benefits, an even more lax judicial system, an' try to find ze common zings zat ve share, like ze anti-semitism, ze love of ze dictators, an' ze Jerry Lewis.

If zat does not vork, an' zey keep tryin' to bully us, zen we 'ave to use ze tird option.

Ve swallow our pride and call ze USA to save our proverbial bacon, again.

Zout alors, I shudder to zink of ze 'I told you so' look on ze face of ze Bush.

Let's all 'ope ze rioters stick to burning zeir own neighbourhoods an' don't burn anything zat is actually worth anyting.

Au Revoir

~Dominique De Villepin, PM du Francais.

ASK UNCLE VOX #2

Welcome back.

By public demand and as part of my punishment for revealing my hometown's shocking lack of public urinals I'm still saddled with doing community service. So, to service the community, in a non-sexual way according to the judge, I'm offering my infinite wisdom and miniscule compassion to help people with their problems, and then I'll laugh about them behind their backs.

Here's the first letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a massively successful blogger who has won the respect of pajama clad loners all over the country. Yet a group of bloggers led by this bunch insist on spreading filthy lies about me. They accuse me of doing all sorts of horrible things like blending puppies into smoothies and strangling hobos. I must insist that I do not blend puppies, kittens occassional, but that strictly for nutritional and not entertainment value, and I haven't killed a hobo since college.

How do I get these wankers off my incredibly successful back?

Sincerely Glenn R. Uncrowned King of All Bloggers.

Sounds like a sticky wicket, as an effete 1920's British dandy would say.

I say that you have two choices and both begin with the letter 'L.'

1. Litigation
2. Letter bomb

If you go with number 2 don't tell the judge I gave you the idea, I don't need any more grief. Tell him you got it from a video game, that should get you off.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a blogger and I have a mystery that only a true brilliant and radiant genius like you can solve.

Why don't girls like me?

I have my own blog? That alone should be getting me some action, why isn't it working.

Sincerely Damian G. Lonely in Long Island.

I have a simple suggestion that might help.

Soap.

Trust me.

Some deodorant might help too.

It may not make you the next Rudolph Valentino, but is should at least keep their eyes from watering when you enter the room.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a respected syndicated columnist and blogger and that's garnered me a lot of attention, and not all of it's good. Recently I've been receiving what can only be described as 'love notes' from someone called Remulak MoxArgon. He's another blogger and he's apparently developed a crush on me. Despite the fact that he's the best looking man on the blogosphere (second only to you Vox) I'm a married woman, and even though he's an interstellar conqueror, I find the way he constantly mispells my name a pain in the ass.

How do I let him down gently and not get our planet vaporized?

Sincerely Michelle M. Bothered Blogger.

I happen to know Remulak, and I know that he can be kinda sensitive. I once tried to correct his spelling and he shoved a brain parasite up my nose.

Thank god it was my nose, if you know what I mean.

I suggest you invite him over, get him drunk and then have him wake up in a cheap motel room with a hooker. It seems to calm him down.

That's all for tonight. But before I go I just want to plug a project run by a friend of mine, someone who helped me set up the new look for my site. If you don't like the look, blame him.

He's participating in National Novel Writing Month and he's doing his novel on a blog. It's a Sci-Fi adventure called THE WARLORD 2: JUGGERNAUT.

There, I plugged his site, now maybe he'll stop bugging me.

The Poplar Report #3

YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. CHAVEZ

Venezuelan strongman and Fidel Castrato Castro wannabe Hugo Chavez banned Halloween in Venezuela, declaring a 'phony imperialist holiday' or some such crap. Which makes the following declaration official: HUGO CHAVEZ IS A DICK.

His next project is to disguise himself as Santa Claus and steal Christmas from those annoying bastards in Whoville.

SULU BEAMS OUT OF THE CLOSET

Actor and Star Trek navigator George 'Sulu' Takei came out of the closet this week, declaring that he's gay and proud. This sparked a collective 'so what' from the general public.

When asked for a comment, former co-star William Shatner declared: "George is gay? I've known him for almost forty years and he's not once given me the eye, or checked me out. I'm not gay, but I'm kinda insulted. What's the matter George, am I not good enough for you?"

He then wondered how anyone can resist "some premium Shatner" and went home for a beer and to watch the hockey game.

MIERS MIRED, ALITO NEATO

Do you feel that you might have been conned?

Think about it, Dubya wants to nominate a pro-life judge, but knows the Gang of 14 RINOS will get all wobbly if the Democrats start Borking themselves into a frenzy. So, he nominates an old friend, who is immediately attacked by Republicans for possible liberalities.

This sparks a wave of triumphant 'The Republican Party is Dead All Hail President Hillary' chanting from the media. Miers withdraws for a rather obvious reason, Bush nominates the guy he really wants, and has the wobblies and the squishies all cowed for fear of handing 2006 & 2008 to the Democrats.

Think about it.

PLAMEGATE, LIKE HERPES IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY

Plamegate is still stinking up the airwaves with Democratic hack former ambassador Joe Wilson further endangering his wife's former contacts supposedly endangered by the original leak by plastering her name, face and work history on every TV channel in the country.

Despite having his story refuted by the intelligence agencies of the USA, France, Russia, Great Britain, and Niger, the MSM still thinks his ever changing bullshit mistatements are the gospel truth.

GOMERY REPORT COMES OUT IN CANADA

The long awaited Gomery Report on the Canadian government sponsourship scandal has finally been released. The major revelation in the report was that the government of Jean Chretien's Liberal Party is incredibly corrupt.

We'll just file that under "Well D'uh."

Damn, Another Election?

A Special Guest Commentary by Saddam Hussein.

How’s it hanging?

Hmmm, bad choice of words since I’m facing the noose myself. How about...

How’s it going, eh?

Well things aren’t looking that bright over here at Camp Hussein. In fact, the brighter it looks for the common Iraqi people the darker it looks for yours truly.

It looks like the new Iraqi constitution, the first passed by popular vote in the Arab world, has passed.

It was a disgusting display of democracy in action. Everyone was allowed to vote on it, Shiites, Kurds, Sunni, Christians, I get freaking chills just thinking about it.

They even let me vote on it if you can believe it.

Let me tell you that I voted "No" on the constitution. Not because of its pro-democratic stance, its guarantees of the rights of women and minorities, or that it frowns upon genocide, the thing that really burns my cous-cous is the "Hang Saddam Clause."

Sheesh, I think they’re taking all this a little personally though.

I mean that doesn’t look to good for me, does it?

Then there’s my trial.

Damn, I’m looking at getting my neck stretched all for killing a few hundred thousand people, and the best strategy my lawyers can think up is that I act defiant and refuse to recognize anyone’s authority.

Great strategy Perry Mason.

Perhaps you can figure out how I can refuse to recognize the law of gravity when the hangman pulls the switch. That would be a great help, you pack of nutless wonders.

I probably should have handled the whole "Kill Israel" thing differently during my time as Iraq’s leader, because I could sure use a good Jewish lawyer right about now. I need Allan Dershowitz I definitely don’t need a dingus like Ramsey Clark patting my shoulder a little longer than necessary and telling me how "manly" I was for standing up to the Great Satan.

With this legal team, I might be better off if I piss my pants in courts and pretend to be all coo-coo bonkers and hope they take pity on the lunatic.

It won’t work, but it’s still better than their idea of standing defiantly while the noose is being put around my neck. Screw that, I’m going out of this world the way I came in, bawling my eyes out and buck naked.

The lawyers tell me, "Don’t worry Saddam. The insurgency will put you back in power in under a year."

Yeah right.

I might be in a prison cell, but I know that Abu-Musab-Al-Numb-Nuts is about as likely to conquer Iraq, as Michael Jackson is likely to have a comeback as a NFL linebacker.

The only people who don’t think of Zarqawi as anything but a murdering dim-bulb scumbag are the western media who think the sun, moon & stars shine out of his back passage because he blows up innocent people in places they can film without leaving their hotel.

That’s a hell of a way to win a war. All he’s really achieving is getting a lot of the Iraqi people pissed off at him. That leads to a bigger and highly motivated Iraqi army, backed up by Uncle Sam’s seemingly unlimited supply of premium canned whoop-ass.

Sure, he’s got Syria to use as a hideout, but old Bashar’s been hanging by a thread since losing Lebanon and his cabinet meetings are looking more like a casting call from Dawn of the Dead.

The Ayatollahs or Iran are also meddling, but they’ve got their own problems and will probably be in my position within five years.

Boy, now that I look back on it, I’ve been a real asshole my whole life.

I guess that little tidbit finally sunk in when the only cards I got for Ramadan were from George Galloway and Cindy Sheehan.

If that ain’t a sign you’re up shit creek without a paddle, I don’t what is.

I gotta go now. Another meeting with the brain-trust in charge of my defense, and I leave with this simple message.

Allan Dershowitz, if you can read this, call me.

~Saddam.

ASK UNCLE VOX

VOX: Today I’m shifting my focus away from the political and turning it toward the personal. I get a lot of e-mails from people looking to tap into my vast intellect and deep wisdom to help ease or even correct their personal problems.

Now normally those poor troubled people would get a form e-mail telling them to stick their troubles where the sun don’t shine, but thanks to my own stint in court ordered anger-management therapy (miserable bastard judges, I hate them!) I am now possessed with a wellspring of goodwill.

So let’s go to the first letter, it’s from a very important person in the MSM who would prefer to stay anonymous...

Dear Uncle Vox-

I’m writing because I value your opinion above everyone else’s. I’m a very important journalist for an organization whose name rhymes with Bee-Hen-Hen and I’ve been covering the recent Iraqi elections. During a recent report; I made some rather stupid statements claiming that free elections had somehow created ethnic divisions in Iraqi society. I also said that these divisions were destroying a society that was once happy and united under the rule of Saddam Hussein.

What was I thinking?

Was I high on diesel fumes, or accidentally huffing the toner from my printer?

Iraq was just as, if not more divided than it is now, except now the minority Sunnis can’t gas Kurds and bomb Shia with impunity.

Is there something deeply wrong with me that I would say something so blatantly wrong and stupid?

What do you think will happen to my once stellar reputation if word of this massive factual blunder gets around?

-Christiane A. Bothered In Baghdad.

VOX: I can explain what’s wrong with you. You are suffering from Bush Derangement Syndrome or BDS, a condition that afflicts the bulk of the MSM these days. In your case, it manifests itself in an uncontrollable impulse to make unbelievably stupid and butt ignorant statements in the vain hope that it will make the Bush administration look bad.

As for your BDS inspired brain-fart getting around, I don’t think you have to worry, it’s not like anyone watches CNN Bee-Hen-Hen anyway. To beat BDS I suggest an immediate surgical procedure to pull your head out of your ass, and then 50 ccs of cold hard reality.

Now, the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox-

I feel like a phony.

I’ve recently won the NobelPrize a very important literary prize, and I feel that I don’t deserve it. I haven’t written anything worth a tinker’s cuss in decades and I’ve been covering up my lack of artistic inspiration with loud and obnoxious political statements.

I even supported Saddam Hussein and Yasser Arafat even though they’ve caused nothing but misery and suffering, just because Yankee Republicans were opposed to them. I get the feeling that I wasn’t given the award for my literary work, but for my fashionable political stupidity.

I feel like a phony.

What should I do about this?

Harold P.-Loudmouth in
London.

VOX: Well Harold, you’re a phony and all you can write are ignorant anti-American screeds. Sounds like you’re perfect for a career in Hollywood.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox-

I’m writing to talk about the media making allegations of torture going on at the American Prison Camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Please stop.

I’ve been a prisoner here in Gitmo since I was captured in Afghanistan in 2002 and the folks in charge here tell me that in order to ease the pressure from the media I’m going to be released and sent back to my home in Yemen.

Thanks a freaking lot you rat-sucking media bastards!

In Gitmo I have my own bunk, three squares a day and daily interrogations with a shapely female Navy intelligence officer who thinks that wearing short skirts, fishnets, and low cut tops over her bountiful bosoms are going to break my spirit.

If that’s torture then keep it coming.

The ‘humanitarian gesture’ of shipping my sorry hairy ass back to Yemen is anything but. Have you ever been to Yemen? If you had, then getting your head blown off seems a practical alternative.

Sure I’ll admit that dying a martyr seemed pretty good at first, but then I realized that the promise of 72 virgins ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I remembered that I grew up in a village with 200 virgins, and I didn’t get any action. I’ve come to the realization that a clean bunk, three squares a day, soccer in the afternoons, and the occasional lap-dance from Lt. Stephanie of the USN is the best this son of a shepherd’s gonna get.

How do I avoid getting shipped home?

-Achmed, Gung-Ho for Gitmo.

VOX: Sounds like a pickle Achmed. The best suggestion I can come up with is to make some stuff up to keep them questioning you. Don’t just volunteer it. Make it sound like you just blurted it out under the pressure then clam up. That should keep them going.

That’s all for today, so keep those questions coming. I still got hundreds of community service hours left to do.

Bastard judges...

The Poplar Report #2

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Blogosphere and all her sites in cyberspace, let's go to press...

Playwright and political crank Harold Pinter was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. The Nobel Committee says that it was for his distinguished career and not for his rabid anti-American statements. Second place was a tie between rapper Kanye West for his Katrina telethon tirade, Saddam Hussein for his detective novels, and a thousand monkeys who sat at a thousand typewriters and one of them wrote something that kinda looked like: "Bush is a Weenie."

The investigation into the collapse of the New Orleans levee during hurricane Katrina has many experts believing that it was caused by soil erosion around a foundation that was improperly installed over forty years ago. However since George W. Bush was only a kid then, the media has decided to ignore it.

America has pledged over $300,000,000 in aid to Pakistan and Afghanistan in the wake of a massive earthquake. So far, the billionaire princes of Saudi Arabia, who in the past have held telethons for suicide bombers, have pledged the steam off their pee. The American Media has decided not to cover the story anymore since they can’t blame the earthquake on George W. Bush.

PBS program FRONTLINE has produced a documentary called "The Torture Question" that posits the theory that the yahoos at Abu Ghraib were actually performing some sort of unwritten government policy. This is the same program that turned down a documentary about Al Qaida’s treatment of prisoners called "The Decapitation Question."

ENTERTAINMENT:

Obnoxious billionaire Mark Cuban has put his considerable fortune behind a film that presents a sympathetic, even heroic view of an Islamic suicide bomber who blows up grand Central Station for revenge against evil America. His next foray into cinema will be a romantic comedy about Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun called "What Holocaust?"

Spike Lee announced on CNN that he is planning on making a film about the flooding of New Orleans. He says that it will follow the facts of the case and will involve George W. Bush and Karl Rove going back in time in Professor Peabody’s WayBack Machine to sabotage the levee. The producers hope that unlike Lee’s films from the past decade, someone might actually pay to see it.

The Piglet of Doom

VOX POPLAR: Welcome. As we speak Great Britain is in an unprecedented crisis of identity and culture. Poor little Piglet has been exiled off everything from coffee cups to tissue boxes in order to not offend Britain's growing and increasingly restive Islamic minority. Here to explain his side of this controversy is Usama Bin Johnson Chairman of the United National Foundation of Anglo-Islamic Relations, or U.N.F.A.I.R. Welcome Mr. Johnson.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: Why the war against poor little Piglet?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Because Piglet is just that, a pig, and he is unclean and everything bearing his image is thus unclean and must be banned.

VOX POPLAR: If one wants to be a picker of nits, one could say that Piglet isn't really a pig, but a cartoon.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: That's a very intolerant attitude you have.

VOX POPLAR: Because he's a cartoon?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Trying to muddy up my argument with things like facts. It's a very bad attitude.

VOX POPLAR: So, it's all right to be offended by a little cartoon piglet, but it's wrong to be offended by inane cultural oppression being foisted upon society at large by a small minority within a minority community.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Exactly. If Britain wants to be considered truly tolerant it must bow to the demands of people like me who are considered embarrassing wingnuts by their own community.

VOX POPLAR: So the Muslim community of Great Britain isn't really all hopped up over Piglet, just a select few like you?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Somebody has to preserve the purity of our society, and since we at UNFAIR are both pushy and loud we always get our way. Don't worry, they'll come around when have Sharia law put in place. They won't have a choice then.

VOX POPLAR: So Piglet's really the first shot being fired over the proverbial bow then?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: First Piglet, then all other cartoon animals and cartoons in general, then we get the crosses removed from England's flag...

VOX POPLAR: Why do you want the crosses removed from the British flag?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: They're an acknowledgement of England's foundation as a Christian country based on crazy notions of individual liberty and the rule of law. Notions that would seriously undermine the rule of the coming Grand Caliphate. Plus I read somewhere that Crusaders wore them way back when, so I find them offensive.

VOX POPLAR: Why?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Why what?

VOX POPLAR: The forces of Islam won the Crusades. Saladin's army beat the Crusaders under the English Richard the Lionheart. If anything, Muslim people should get a tingle of pride every time they see that red cross. Be it on a flag, a pin raising money for cancer research, or on an ambulance carrying the sick and injured to help.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Saladin's victory doesn't count. He wasn't a true Muslim, he was Kurdish, and we all know what kind of people the Kurds are.

VOX POPLAR: According to reports from Iraq, the Kurds are acting pretty bravely in assembling a democratic state with the Shia in the face of mostly foreign terrorists and domestic thugs.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You are so bloody ignorant. Kurds are evil because they want to recognize Israel, and Israel is the font of all that is evil in the world. Not like the peace loving Palestinians.

VOX POPLAR: An interesting point. But I just happened to notice that the Kurds and Israelis weren't dancing in the streets when those planes hit the twin towers on 9/11, while the Palestinians were.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Oh sure bring up that little bit of trivia. Everyone knows the Israelis were behind 9/11. That guy at Counterpunch says that some guy had money in a sock, hence, the Mossad did it.

VOX POPLAR: If the Mossad really did it, then why were the Palestinians dancing for joy over the deaths of Americans?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: That's a very intolerant attitude you have.

VOX POPLAR: Why am I intolerant? Is it because I think that my acceptance of people of other cultures should also mean that they tolerate me, my culture, and my little Piglet coffee mug? A cartoon of a pig isn't the same as being forced to surrender your history, culture and religion to the whims of a group of loudmouths just because they can bully politicians with accusations of racism.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You sir are a racist!

VOX POPLAR: We're the same race. In fact, I did a little checking, and it turns out that we're cousins. Are you saying that I'm prejudiced against my own beloved Gramma?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: So, we're different religions.

VOX POPLAR: But we worship the same God.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You're still a bigot!

VOX POPLAR: Because I think tolerance is a two way street? You know, for a main who claims to be the voice of the moderate, you have some pretty immoderate views.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: I haven't blown anyone up yet. That makes me a moderate.

VOX POPLAR: I knew I should have called Irshad Manji. She at least knows what the word moderate really means. That's all for today folks.

1 on 1 with the Spirit World...

VOX POPLAR: Welcome loyal angry loners, today we're going to take a dip into the realm of the paranormal. Renowned psychic, mentalist, astrologer, and head fry cook at Big Daddy's House of Shrimp, the Incredible Zbornak is here to use his amazing abilities analyzing politics. Welcome Mr. Zbornak.

ZBORNAK: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: What are you going to do for us tonight?

ZBORNAK: I'm going to get answers from the spirit world for the questions in these envelopes without even looking at what's inside.

VOX POPLAR: Sounds cool.

ZBORNAK: May I have the first envelope...
(holds envelope to head)
I'm getting a title... "The Impotence of Being Earnest."
(opens envelope)
"What would you call a movie about the International Atomic Energy Agency and it's head Mohammed Baradei winning the Nobel Peace Prize?"

VOX POPLAR: You sir are correct. Ho-ho-ho. Now the next envelope.

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a message... It's a menu... "Sacrificial lamb served with a side order of crow, and the desert is the real main course."
(opens envelope)
"What are George W. Bush's real plans for the Harriet Miers nomination?"

VOX POPLAR: Intriguing. Here's the third envelope.

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a vision. "She's promising to stay, only so she can leave..."
(opens envelope)
"What is Hillary Clinton telling New York voters?"

VOX POPLAR: Hah. You sir are correct! And now the fourth envelope.

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a vision. "It's Dubya's fault."
(opens envelope)
"How will the media cover natural disasters in the future?"

VOX POPLAR: You sir are correct. Incredible. Now the fifth envelope.

ZBORNAK: Hmmm... This is a quote from Shakespeare. "A tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
(opens envelope)
"What do you think about Howard Dean's latest statements?"

VOX POPLAR: Is there anything the spirits don't know?

ZBORNAK: Where I left my car keys. The final envelope please.
(holds envelope to head.)
I'm seeing a vast open space... nothingness...
(opens envelope)
"What is Zbornak being paid for this appearance?"

VOX POPLAR: Wow. The spirits do know all.

ZBORNAK: Cheap bastard.

1 on 1 with RONNIE EARLE

VOX: Welcome. The Beltway's abuzz the news that prominent Senate Republican Tom Delay has been indicted by the Democratic political hack District Attorney of Travis County, Texas on campaign finance charges. Is this an attempt at political character assassination, or a serious attempt at justice? Well, my guest tonight should be able to answer that question since it's none other than Ronnie Earle the D.A. in question. Welcome Ronnie.

EARLE: Your attempt at familiarity strikes me as an attempt to sway me and somehow corrupt my office and representative democracy in Texas!

VOX: I was just trying to be friendly.

EARLE: Friendliness is the root of corruption, and corruption will subvert representative democracy. Are you looking to be indicted boy?

VOX: Sorry if I offended you Mr. Earle. Let's just get on with the interview. Some are saying that your indictment of Delay is just a partisan political game like the time you indicted Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson after the last election.

EARLE: There is absolutely no political influence in my decision making process. In fact I have indicted Democrats in the past.

VOX: On what charges?

EARLE: Disagreeing with me. Disagreeing with me shows that you have been corrupted by the corporate fat-cat political machine and are attempting to subvert representative democracy in Texas.

VOX: Interesting that you should bring up corporate money, because many say that you've engaged in a 'dismissals for dollars' program where you dismiss indictments against corporations in exchange for large donations to a group run by your Democratic Party friends. What do you have to say to those charges?

EARLE: Who sent you? Those Satanic corporate bastards at Cracker Barrel. That's the sort of question one of their goose-stepping fascists would ask.

VOX: I had no idea Cracker Barrel was so evil. But what about the other indictments that many consider questionable, like the case of Albert Scranton. He's a cook at Austin Al's Steak Emporium and you had him indicted for assault.

EARLE: That was necessary. His overcooked steak was an assault on my digestive system. I knew that Delay sent him to poison me with poorly tenderized meat.

VOX: What about Matin Sanchez, you had him indicted for murder?

EARLE: That dog of his slaughtered my azaleas. The bastard deserved the electric chair for that. But old Delay used his evil Jedi mind trick to get that indictment dismissed on the grounds that it had no basis in reality.

VOX: You then had him indicted for 'public indeceny' which was also dismissed. Why was that?

EARLE: Some corporate lickspittle judge let him go on the grounds that wearing white shoes after Labor Day did not constitute indecency. Well if that judge saw the shirt and pants he was wearing he would have given him the lethal injection. For Pete's sake, who wears a frikkin' leisure suit these days?

VOX: All these indictments sound a lot like abuse of power.

EARLE: Those indictment are only the beginning. I have been given a mission from God to drive corporate money and Republicans from America, that way political campaigns are completely dependent on individuals like George Soros and Steve Bing.

VOX: You're on a mission from God?

EARLE: One of the many responsibilities one has to bear when he's the Second Coming.

VOX: Now you're starting to creep me out.

EARLE: Only someone in on the Satanic troika of Sears/Cracker Barrel/Delay would be creeped out by the light of my truth. Look at your shoes. I should indict you for animal cruelty with all the animals that died to make those ugly ass shoes.

VOX: They're naugahyde.

EARLE: Oh, those poor cuddly naugas dying so you'd swan about all fancy like you were Imelda Marcos. That's it, I'm having you indicted for animal cruelty and did you just swat a fly?

VOX: Yeah, so what?

EARLE: And another indictment for aggravated buggery! I'll get you and your corporate masters! You can't stop me, no one can stop me, because I'll have them indicted! Ha-ha-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

VOX: I think that's enough for now, good night.

Vox Poplar's Unabashed Political Dictionary

This is a sample of a dictionary of 21st century political terms that I'm compiling. If you have your own terms, please include them in the COMMENTS section and I'll be sure to swipe your idea, nudge nudge wink wink.

Here's what I've got so far.

SELF FULFILLING IDIOCY: A political strategy whose authors claim will bring victory but only exacerbates existing problems. EG: Yasser Arafat's Intifadas, the Political Strategems of Howard Dean.

ANTI-SEMITE: A species of idiot that wants to personally commit genocide against Jewish people.

ANTI-ZIONIST: A moonbat/idiot hybrid that wants others to commit genocide against Jewish people.

TFH: Tin Foil Hat. Some shorthand to describe anything of a whacky conspiratorial nature. "That politician's speech was so TFH."

What have you got?

THIS JUST IN...

COMING SOON: AL-QAIDA TV.

International terrorist organisation and beard appreciation society Al-Qaida announced that it no longer trust Al-Jazeera to be it's mouthpiece and will broadcast their own version of a 'news' program over the internet. The search is on for an anchor for this program. Dan Rather applied but was rejected over questions over his journalistic integrity. They also rejected a proposed phone in show starring Al Franken, citing concerns over the money collected for charity going to where it's supposed to go, buying guns and explosives.

IRISH REPUBLICAN DIS-ARMY.

The Irish Repulican Army announced that it has gotten rid of the last of its weapons and is completely disarmed. When skeptics asked where all those guns went, the IRA hemmed and hawed before finally admitting that they sold them to the New Orleans PD who they thought needed as much firepower as they could get.

DON'T DROP THE SOAP IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

A McGill University student in Montreal filed a complaint with the school claiming that he had been sodomized during a hazing ritual for the football team. When asked if he believed the student's claim, University President Seymour Buttes said: "Sodomy? My ass!"

HURRICANE SHEEHAN BLOWS HERSELF OUT

Less than 30 people showed for radical anti-war activist, anti-semitezionist, and professional griever Cindy Sheehan's 'March on Washington' that promised over 100,000 people. Instead of bringing the whole city to a halt, Cindy's protest merely boosted the lunch crowd at Vic's Vegan Deli & Fair Trade Coffee Shop. When the shop ran out of soy-milk for her latte Cindy promptly blamed it on Israel and declared that the barista was "Worse than Hitler," and that a lady named Lucy Schwartzbaum should "end her illegal and immoral occupation of the ladies room."

HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH?

Washed up singer, self-proclaimed 'King of Pop,' and poster child for body dysmorphic syndrome Michael Jackson has begun recording an album to help the victims of hurricane Katrina. It's expected to raise somewhere around $25 in total. $1.45 will go to survivors of Katrina, $20 to pay Jackson's legal bills, and the rest will be stolen by Air America.

CANADA GOES VICE-REGAL.

Canada got a new head of state with the swearing in of journalist, documentarian, and suspected separatist Michaelle Jean to the post of Governor General. She replaces fellow CBC personality empress dowager Adrienne Clarkson. MM. Jean was picked because of her background as a journalist, her respected standing in Quebec, her refugee to riches life-story and that Prime Minister Paul Martin thinks she's kinda hot. It's believed by many experts that when her term is over MME. Jean will be replaced by either Jerome the Giraffe of Finnigan from Mr. Dressup. (Canuck only joke alert!)

PASS THE BLAME FOR THE HURRICANES

Former Vice President Al Gore declared that hurricanes like Katrina and Rita would not be happening if he had been elected and signed the Kyoto Accord. Ironically a new study by Dr. Otto Hassepeffer of the Global Meteorological Institute of Bern, Switzerland states that the excess heat in the atmosphere is caused by hot air being expelled by politicians who lose elections but just can't let go.

BEING A LIBERAL MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY...

...OR DO ANY JAIL TIME

Advertising flack and Canadian Liberal Party Hack Paul Coffin has been given house arrest for stealing millions of dollars of Canadian taxpayer's money through bogus advertising deals. As part of his sentence he's to give lectures on business ethics to university students. In the same vein NHL goon Todd Bertuzzi will teach kids about good sportsmanship, Dan Rather will lecture about journalistic integrity, Osama Bin Ladin will lecture on religious tolerance, and Nawlins Mayor Ray Nagin will teach a course on crisis management and emergency preparedness.

Hitchens vs Galloway: This Time It's Political!

The other day New York witnessed a major event a debate about Iraq, and world politics and here is the only place where you'll find the real 100% fake but accurate transcript of the the debate. So let's get ready to rumble!

FROM THE RIGHT: Christopher Hitchens, journalist, author, raconteur and respected intellectual.

FROM THE WRONG: George Galloway MP (Tikrit North-West), politician, loudmouth, and best buddy to dictators.

--------------------------------------------------------

HITCHENS: I'd like to start with a simple declaration of fact. Saddam Hussein was a brutal and vile dictator. He engaged in genocide using poison gas, attacked Iraq's neighbours without provocation, used torture and rape to suppress democracy, violated every agreement and treaty he ever signed, and manipulated a corrupt and moribund United Nations to pocket immense profits for himself and his cronies at the expense of his own people.

GALLOWAY: Och! That's joost the sort of tosh one expects from a drink-sodden ex-Troskyist popinjay who has been soobverted by the neo-con-Israel-Halliburton conspiracy! Saddam Hussein was the greatest champion of peace the world has ever seen. All he was trying to bring peace to the region, by eliminating war-mongering fifth columnists like the Kurds, Shia, and Israel! As we speak crusader soldiers are violating the gentle virgin daughters of Baghdad while George W. Bush drinks the blood of Arab babies from the skulls of children.

HITCHENS: And you think I'm drink sodden. I don't think there's an intoxicant known to mankind that can produce the level of dementia you're exhibiting here George. The only explanation I can think of for your behavior is that you're either insane, still getting Oil for Food money, or both.

GALLOWAY: I'll sue you, you bastard!

HITCHENS: What's the bloody matter with you? There isn't a vicious dictator you don't like. If it's not Stalin, it's Saddam Hussein and with him in jail it's now Bashar Assad.

GALLOWAY: I am the voice of the oppressed and the downtrodden!

HITCHENS: You represent the oppressed and the downtrodden by supporting the very same people who are doing the oppressing.

GALLOWAY: Saddam Hussein and Bashar Assad seek to bring to bring peace to the world. The real terrorists aren't in Al-Qaida or Hamas. They're in the White House and Downing Street. As we speak Tony Blair is feasting upon grilled Iraqi babies with his Likud Party masters!

HITCHENS: Better living through mass slaughter? You’re delusional.

GALLOWAY: Blow it out yer arse!

HITCHENS: How about some simple questions George? Like how is it possible that you, having met Tariq Aziz many times, being the best man at the wedding of Oil for Food suspect Fawaz Zureikat, and naming him chairman of your pseudo-charity Mariam Appeal, have never had any discussion of potential misunderstandings related to your involvement in the Oil for Food program?

GALLOWAY: As we speak George Bush is sitting on a throne made from the bones of Iraqi virgins while flushing Korans down the loo!

HITCHENS: You didn't answer my question. Well, here's another one. How come your buddy Zureikat was certified by the Iraqi government as having six oil allocations, failed to tell you that your name is on just about every document next to his?

GALLOWAY: As we speak Tony Blair is re-upholstering the furniture in Buckingham Palace with the skin of Arab people! Abu-Musab-Al-Zarqawi merely wants an end to these atrocities. Atrocities that can only end with the deaths of 80% of the population of Iraq. Don't you folks want peace.

HITCHENS: You're not very good at answering questions, are you?

GALLOWAY: Over two hundred million people in Iraq have been killed by the rampaging hordes of imperialism. We must stop this madness, for as we speak George W. Bush is fornicating with Condoleeza Rice on a bed made of the corpses of Arab children.

HITCHENS: What about the Iraqi election?

GALLOWAY: There can never be a true democracy with power out of the hands of the Sunni and in the hands of Iraq's majority.

HITCHENS: What about the Cedar Revolution in Lebanon? Syria is now out and there's democracy taking root there.

GALLOWAY: All lies. Lies to improve the standing of Israel!

HITCHENS: And what's with this so-called 'peace tour' you're going on with Jane Fonda. Are you really going to tour America in a bloody vegetable oil fueled bus?

GALLOWAY: Jane Fonda's dropped out but I'm still going. The author of the Vagina Monologues suggested it and I thought it was a capital idea.

HITCHENS: You're a complete arse-head.

GALLOWAY: That's it you big fat...uh...POOPY PANTS! I'll kick yer arse from here to next Sunday!

HITCHENS: Bring it on Bee-otch!

BIFF!

POW!

WHAM!

WEDGIE!

GALLOWAY: Och! Me noots!

--------------------------------------

There you have it folks, one of the most profound political debates of this century, and you read it here first.

"What Really Bugs Me..."

P-GARD ADULT DIAPERS

&

VIOXXGRA

THE PILL FOR THE HORNY & ARTHIRITIC

PRESENT

A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY

ANDY ROONEY

Is this thing working?

I swear these damn interweb thingies are the tool of the devil....

I'm on?

Okay.

This is my first attempt at being one of those web-blobbers and I'm still trying to get the hang of the damned whatchamacallit...

You know?

The thing with the typewriter attached to the little television?

The computer! That's it.

Well, it's me, Andy Rooney, curmudgeon in residence for 60 MINUTES, sometimes called The Night of the "Are They Still Living?" Dead. And for the September 11th edition of the venerable news magazine where Morley Safer's still considered a young whippersnapper, I decided not to talk about the war on terrorism and the 9/11 attacks like everyone else and talked about one my all time favourite cities.

I'm talking about Boston

New York

The Hamptons

Greenwich Connecticut

New Orleans.

In my little spiel I talked about how I served in WW2 as a reporter, how the city was the birthplace of jazz, and home to wonderful restaurants... Those uptight network suits wouldn't let me reminisce about my nights at Madame Giselle's cathouse with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a trained puma, so screw them.

Eventually I got to the main point of my little speech.

The destruction of New Orleans and the loss of life and property is all George W. Bush's fault.

And it is.

I even made up a nice set of lists, I like lists, that should make everything nice and clear.

THINGS THAT DID NOT CAUSE THE DESTRUCTION & CHAOS IN NEW ORLEANS:

1. Mayor Ray Nagin's refusal to follow his city's own plan for handling hurricanes.
2. Governor Blanco's refusal to call the National Guard until after the crap hit the fan.
3. Massive numbers of police fleeing their posts in the face of the disaster.
4. Mayor Nagin's leaving of hundreds of city buses to be flooded out in a parking lot instead of using them to evacuate people.
5. Governor Blanco's ordering the National Guard to block the Red Cross and Salvation Army from helping the people in the Superdome as part of some brilliant plan to inspire them to move.
6. The incompetence, indecision, and corruption that's inherent in New Orleans and Louisiana politics.

Isn't it obvious?

Now here's a list of THINGS THAT CAUSED THE DEATH & DESTRUCTION IN NEW ORLEANS.

1. George W. Bush.
2. George W. Bush taking a vacation in Crawford.
3. George W. Bush's refusal to do the bidding of Cindy Sheehan.
4. George W. Bush's refusal to sign the Kyoto Accord even though it was unanimously kaiboshed by congress.
5. George W. Bush being elected over the handsome and charming John Kerry.
6. George W. Bush being born.
7. George W. Bush believing the Iraqi WMD claims of over a dozen international intelligence agencies over the claims of a guy who sat by a pool in Niger for a week.

And so that you can't go around saying I blame everything on George W. Bush, I have one more thing that caused the destruction of New Orleans:

8. Karl Rove.

Now you know better.

So forget about all those pesky facts, and remeber that the unvarnished truth can only come out of an octogenaric Democratic Party hack who only recent success lately has been in making Mike Wallace look young.

So long, and remember to blame Republicans for everything.

Do it enough times and you'll become an American Institution like me.