Dick Cheney: RAW

WARNING: The following piece contains adult themes and language. But sorry, no porn you sickos.

I've been doing some thinking about the recent vice-presidential debate between Dick "Tricky Ticker" Cheney and John "Ain't I the Prettiest Ambulance Chaser" Edwards. Now the mainstream press has called it a draw and you know what that means. It means Cheney must have won the night.

But it wasn't the knockout blow that would have broken the dead-heat in the polls that the press seem to collect every hour, on the hour. I think Cheney made a tactical error by being so polite during the debate, he should have played with his strenght his raw scrappy style.

In other words, he should have played blue.

He should have used language that would make Richard Pryor blush. That would have won over the undecided yahoos that drift out there like so much flotsam in the septic tank.

First move, he should look Edwards right in the eye and say: "I shit bigger than you pretty boy."

And then he should have moved on to other tactics...

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EDWARDS: My daddy learned math from watching Sesame Street...

CHENEY: He should have taught you some, and then you'd know that $120 billion doesn't add up to $200 billion. Pull your head out of your ass pretty boy, it's mussing your hair.

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EDWARDS: You've alienated our allies.

CHENEY: When were those cheese eating, wine-sucking, truffle molesting, fascist fellating Frenchmen ever an ally? They'd have never supported getting Saddam out of Iraq, hell, they didn't even support getting Hitler out France. I'd call you retarded, but then I'd be insulting the retarded!

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EDWARDS: You've ruined the economy.

CHENEY: Sure, things were better during the Clinton years. Back in the 90's you had Enron, Worldcom and the Dot Coms running wild. That's a hell of an economic foundation. Unemployment's at 5.4%, that's less than half the unemployment rate of France, and we're at war. During conception the sperm that carried your brains must have dribbled down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up a stain on the mattress. Read something other than John Grisham and you might learn something.

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EDWARDS: Halliburton!

CHENEY: Go fuck yourself.

That would be the cue for Condoleeza Rice to run onstage and have a "wardrobe malfunction."

Now that would be a real debate.