John Kerry is Jesus, this I know...

...because John Edwards told me so.

A VOX POPLAR EXCLUSIVE

I have obtained the script for Democratic Veep Candidate John Edwards's next public appearance.

EDWARDS- Gimme a hallelujah!

(cue audience hallelujah)

Brothers, sisters, transgendered members of the family of humanity, we are at the crossroads. Where we face two choices. We can vote for a man who merely believes in God, or we can do the right thing and vote for a man who I believe IS GOD!

Yes! I'm saying John Forbes Kerry is the Second Coming!

Gimme a hallelujah!

(cue audience hallelujah)

For the seed of old money patricians is going to bring us a world of signs and wonders to behold.

The crippled will walk!

(cue hallelujah)

The blind shall see!

(cue hallelujah)

The French will stop stabbing us in the back!

(cue hallelujah)

And the Muslim Jihadist will join us hand in hand and sing "John Kerry Row Your Yacht Ashore!"

(cue hallelujah)

Sinclair Broadcasting and Fox News will be smote and Ruper Murdoch will be transformed into a pillar of salt!

(cue hallelujah)

(cue Edwards to start crying)

But all is not well my children. I am a humble, yet incredibly pretty, human being, my lovely wife has seen what lies ahead if the American people reject their true Democratic saviour. Testify sister!

(cue Mrs. Edwards dressed as the Oracle of Delphi)

MRS. EDWARDS- There will be riots and rumours of riots, blood will run down the streets in rivers! The air of Palm Beach and Beverly Hills will echo with the lamentations of rich white liberals wailing at their inability to figure out how to fill out a simple ballot. Lawyers, their legions numberless, will storm the courthouses, and chads will hang, pregnant with remorse. The people of the nation will feel a terrible DRAFT. Even though no one in the military wants it, but George W. Bush will do it, because he is evil! And France will continue to look down at us and treat us with contempt!

EDWARDS- Now to prevent this horrible vision of the apocalypse, we will need you all to make a 'love offering.' George Soros, the trial lawyers, and Hollywood, can't pay for everything you know. So please give generously. And don't forget to vote early and vote often!

(cue final hallelujah, and exit)