Kerry's Global Test: With Friends Like These...

Back in the early days of his campaign Senator John Forbes Kerry stated that there was a group, or cabal, of foreign leaders who supported his run for the Presidency. Now he played mum at actually naming names, but a little digging has revealed just who the foreign leaders who love Kerry are. In fact several have come out to openly endorse him.

Kerry's International Supporters:

1. Yasser Arafat / Palestinian Authority: The self-proclaimed 'Father of the Palestinian Nation' took time from ordering suicide bombings and his lucrative hobby of stealing concrete meant for Palestinian housing and selling it to Israel so they can build their controversial 'Security Wall' to endorse the candidacy of John Kerry. His foreign minister Nabil Shaath said that a Kerry Presidency would be "A good thing," and expressed pleasure at Kerry's vow to name Arafat's buddy Bill Clinton as the Middle East envoy. Arafat and his cronies hate Bush, because Dubya's refusal to negotiate with people who use terrorism, but Kerry thinks a background organising massacres and bombings qualifies you as a "statesman."
2. Kim Jong-Il / North Korea: Now everybody's fave puppet supervillain hasn't openly declared support for Kerry. But his state run media mouthpieces have been playing his anti-Bush speeches and giving him coverage that some have described as "glowing." Apparently wily wingnut Kim likes Kerry's pledge to repeat Bill Clinton's 1994 blunder of bilateral negotiations without the input of China, South Korea and Japan.
3. The Ayatollahs / Iran: Those lovable terrorist backers and nuke mongers are having all their state-run media outlets run glowing reviews of Kerry. Why? Because he's offering to give them nuclear fuel, on the promise that they won't use it to make atomic bombs, repeating the 1994 Clinton fiasco that made North Korea's nuke program a success.
4. Communist Party/ People's Republic of China: They like Kerry because he opposed the linking of 'Most Favoured Nation' status with their dismal human rights performance. Apparently they like Kerry's heartfelt belief that the massacre of freedom hungry students in Tiannemen Square and the abuse and torture of Tibetan Buddhists shouldn't interfere with the steady flow of cheap plastic toys and bootleg DVDs.
5. Pres. Jacques Chirac / France: Well, d'uh! Kerry was raised in Swiss Boarding schools and family vacation homes in France, speaks French like a local, and believes in the French philosophy of appeasing terrorists and blaming all the world's problems on the USA. While cruising for votes of Yanks living in France, the Chairman of Democrats Abroad said that Kerry "is the closest thing that you will have to a French politician." Way to insult the guy.
6. Communist Party / Vietnam: Of course they'd support Kerry. He was their chief public relations man in the USA during the early 70's with his congressional testimony slandering all American GIs as war criminals, and his trips to Paris to secretly meet with VC representatives. In fact there's even a small shrine to Kerry as a hero of the Viet Cong cause in Ho Chi Minh City's War Museum. Of course they'd love him.

Pardon my French, but holy shit.

With friends like these, who needs enemies.