Fire Meet Steel

An
Excerpt
from the
Personal Blog
of
Rosie O'Donnell
(uncrowned queen of All media)


-tanker truck blew up in San Francisco

-destroyed overpass above it

-now people saying fire has melted steel

- i question the timing


-stinks of a set up

-all out to get me

-karl rove forced abc to deny my money demands

-made them refuse to fire barbara walters

-i'll show them

-my show biggest in history

-make more money than dr. phil & oprah combined

-they can't stop me

-i'm all powerful

-i know they used lasers & black magic

-to melt bridge

-to make me look crazy

-IM NOT CRAZY!


-they are crazy

-but im onto them

Blaming Bush is a Slam Dunk!

A MOMENT OF
TRUTH COMMENTARY

by
GEORGE TENET
(former Director of the CIA)

Hi.

I'm a little uncomfortable doing this whole 'Moment of Truth' commentary, and it's not because I'm locked in a steel tube covered with strange machinery and weird arcane symbols that render me unable to lie. I've spent my entire career in Washington, so I've never had much experience with telling the truth.

Anyhoo.

A lotta folks are dumping on me for dumping on Bush in my latest book. But look at it from my perspective.

I was a grade-A screw-up.

Really, I was.

I blew just about everything I was even remotely involved with.

That does not bode well if you're looking to pad the old pension with a book deal and a consulting spot with a news network.

Then my old colleague Michael Schueuer told me what to do.

BLAME BUSH

That's right. All I had to do was blame Bush for all my bloopers, bleepers and boners, and I'd be on easy street, with book deals, invitations to all the right parties, and a movie deal where I'll be played by George Clooney. Sure, nobody outside of Al Qaida will pay to see it, but it's still pretty cool.

The formula is simple. Make up some stories claiming that the evil Bush-Halliburton-Zionist conspiracy forced me to lie to force America into war, completely contradict everything I've ever said before, and I go from zero to hero in two seconds flat.

Sure, none of it is true, but it's what the media and the Democrats want to be true. They'd believe me if I said that the Bush Administration was secretly controlled by a cabal of leprechauns that live on a diet of stolen oil and baby blood. It doesn't matter what every intelligence agency on the planet and Saddam himself said, if it makes Bush looks bad, they'll buy it wholesale.

All it takes is the complete abandonment of my ethics, patriotism, sense of duty, and basic decency.


It was just that easy.

Now can I get out of this damn tube?

After We Disarm America

A
SPECIAL
GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
DAN SIMPSON
Former Ambassador & Constitutional Expert

Hi.

I'm Dan Simpson, and if you're not familiar with me I recently wrote an article for the Toledo Blade about how special squads of police could 'disarm America' in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings.

Well, that's just the beginning.

Once we have those horrible drooling baby-killing psychopaths known as American gun-owners disarmed we can start a program to make America truly great.

I'm proposing that we cleanse America of gun owners.

You see, once our Special Squads, or SS for short, disarm the general public, they can begin rounding up gun owners and placing them in special places, like summer camps, where they can concentrate on the wrongness of gun ownership. I guess we can call them concentration camps for short.

Once in these concentration camps these evil gun-owners will have undergo a strenuous program of having filthy thoughts, like practicing their constitutional rights washed from their minds. I like to call this program brain-washing.

Now there will be some people who will resist this brain-washing. Claiming it violates their rights as a citizen in a democratic republic. They will have to be calmed down using some sort of special gas in a special gas chamber until their demands for freedom no longer annoy the state.

So you see folks, the way to save America is by following me and eliminating all those pesky things you gun owning psychopaths call 'rights.'

Doesn't it sound so reasonable?

I'm Just Wild About Harry!

AN EXCERPT FROM
MAHMOUD'S MAD-LIBS
THE PERSONAL BLOG OF
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD
PRESIDENT OF IRAN

MOOD: Giddy :D
SONG: My Humps -The Black Eyed Peas

I'm really learning to love that infidel Harry Reid. The Surge is slicing up Jihadis from Anbar to Appetite, I got Muqtada Al-Sadr lying on my couch in the fetal position munching Doritos and wetting his robes every time there's a knock on the door, I've driven the economy of my country into the ground by wasting billions on terrorists, and Harry Reid says that "America has lost."

That's just too f*cking priceless.

It really is.

I couldn't have done it better myself.

Harry Reid is the Lord Haw-Haw of the 21st Century, selling out his own country to an apocalyptic fascist like myself (hey I might be crazy, but I ain't stupid) all to score political points. It's too much joy.

And to think of all the American soldiers who will be die because their morale has been negatively effected by a shameless whore like Harry Reid?

That man's worth a truckload of IEDs, he really is.


And he doesn't seem to care one ounce about the repercussions of his actions.

Doesn't he realize what will happen when Iran finally goes fully nuclear?

I'll kill or enslave enough people to bring back the 12th Imam to rule the f*cking world, and Harry and his pals will be to nutless to do a damn thing about it.

And think of all the people that will die when the Democrats get back into the White House and pull out of Iraq.

And how pretty Israel will be as it bakes in a nuclear fire courtesy of my very own Islamic Bomb.

And think of all the dirty bombs my pals will be able to smuggle anywhere in the world once the Democrats stop all the security stuff.

So many dead and dying, my nipples are getting hard just thinking about it.

It'll be glorious.


So let this be a lesson to you.

TERRORISM WORKS

Especially with Democrats.


They'll slit their own throats if it would hurt Republicans.

Or let us do it for them.

They're just too stupid and petty to be real.

But they are.

Isn't that great?

Rosie: Exit Stage Left

An
Excerpt from
the blog of
Rosie O'Donnell
(ex-queen of The View)





-i hate abc


-cheap bastards

-won't pay me $10-$40 million a year (depending on who you listen to)

-all because im rude

-crude

-and repulsive

-trump sux

-bush sux

-america sux

-cristians sux

-terrorists will leave us alone when...

- i get my own show

- hillary elected president

- sign kyoto

- i want more money!

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #5

Today we present a very special Douchebag of the Week a man who managed to embarrass his political party, himself and his country, while simultaneously helping the enemies of democracy worldwide.

Yep, I'm talking about....

SEN HARRY REID

Mr. Reid showed that he is ready, willing and able to assist Islamic Terrorists with broad declarations of defeat, to spit on a Republican administration, and then declare that he will ignore any and all evidence to the contrary.

Harry, you really are the...

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK

The Truth According To Bill

A
SPECIAL
GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
BILL MOYERS

Hello. It's me, Bill Moyers.

In case you're one of those dim-witted Republican-Christian types who don't know who I am, I used to be a hack for the late President Lyndon Johnson and now I'm the PBS equivalent of herpes, you can never really get rid of me.

I'm here to tell you something very important, in fact the future of democracy depends on it.

Bill O'Reilly eats puppies.

That's right.

He eats puppies.

Cute fluffy puppies.

He eats them alive. Sometimes chewing them, filling the air with their plaintive puppy screams, or swallowing them whole, not unlike some sort of monstrous leviathan that Joseph Campbell would have written about.

Then after the puppies he has chilled baby seal eyes for desert and washes it all down with a tall glass of kitten blood.

Now I know you're saying that I must have proof to make these allegations and I do have proof.

Bill O'Reilly is a conservative.

That's all the proof you really need.

But if you require more convincing then I suggest you click this thing you young people call a LINK. On that video he displays the unbridled audacity of a puppy eating servant of the Bush/Halliburton/Fox/Zionist smear machine by calling me a liar.

All because I happen to accuse him of things that didn't happen and of saying things he didn't say.

That's not lying.

That's called being a good journalist.

Something a smear artist like O'Reilly could never be with all of his incriminating tapes and evidence. He's too hung up facts, like my use of talking points from the George Soros funded group Media Matters.

Well after I forced a foundation to give them half a million dollars I should be getting something back on my investment.

Besides, what should that foundation have spent its money on?

Starving children?

Please.

That's why I must tell everyone of the evil Bush/Halliburton/Fox/Zionist smear machine and how it's brutally silencing their critics.

So I beg you to please check the local listings for your government funded PBS station to find my next documentary.

Your life may depend on it.

The 33rd Victim?

Okay I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about the Virginia Tech shooting having 33 victims. Now I was under the impression that the shooter, Cho, had shot 32 people before shooting himself, so I was wondering if I had read the reports wrong or what. Nope, I had read them right.

But it seems that folks out there who class this dill-hole...

...as the 33rd victim.

WHAT THE HELL?

He was the victimizer. If it wasn't for him, there wouldn't have been 32 real victims in the first place.

But he was mentally ill, say some folks.

So what? I respond.

The bulk of mentally ill people do not go around killing innocent people.

Also, I doubt he would have been able to win with an insanity defense. To win a plea of insanity would require him to prove that his delusions prevented him from distinguishing right from wrong.

His manifesto didn't say that he had to kill everyone to stop the aliens from planting their eggs in his brain or some similar delusion, it just said that he had killed those people because he hated them. It was pure and simple hatred.

That doesn't make him crazy.

That makes him evil.

But he was a product of violent video games and movies, they then say.

Millions of people, some with mental disorders, see violent movies and play violent games and do not go out and kill people. I believe that no one is made a murderer by the media or some other outside force. The desire to commit one of the most horrible crimes must come from within, from something a lot of people choose to ignore these days.

Something called character.

Character is what kept civilization growing and developing in a world fraught not with the fantastical violence of movies and video games, but real physical violence, from everyday familial abuse, to war, to lawlessness. Most of history held life cheap, something that has only recently started to change, and that is due to people with strong moral characters working to make good moral choices the norm.

Cho would have been okay if America had banned guns, the self-righteous declare, Britain banned guns after a school shooting and everyday is happy unicorn day over there.

That's the usual argument, but it doesn't quite hold up anymore.

School shootings are still relatively rare, just think of the number of schools and universities in North America and multiply them by 365 days a year, and you will see that days like the one in Virginia Tech are extremely rare, despite what the media say.

So simple random chance can explain why Britain hasn't had another Dunblane. And the gun ban actually caused gun violence in the UK to skyrocket, because only criminals carry guns in Britain. So while there hasn't been another school shooting, there have been an ever increasing number of shootings in homes, pubs, businesses and streets in the UK.

And then there's the incident in 2002 where a school shooter wannabe was stopped by two students armed with pistols. Something they wouldn't have been able to do if their school had the VT style gun ban.

And even if America had no guns at all Cho probably would have just imitated the terrible Bath school massacre of 1927, where a malignant walking tumor named Kehoe, blew up a school full of children, then blew himself up while attempting to kill the people trying to rescue the children. He killed 45 people, mostly children, and wounded another 58.

He didn't have any guns, or violent video games and he had the worst bodycount in American history until Tim McVeigh showed the world what a prick he could be.

Would using a homemade bomb have been better?

But he was bullied, say the champions of victim Cho, top that.

I was a big kid with a studious nature and reputation for being a peaceful kinda guy, that made me a target for every self-anointed 'tough guy' in the school district. I followed a very strict code when it came to dealing with bullies. It went something like this:

Smack the bully, don't hit the innocent bystander.

You see what I'm getting at?

Probably not, so let me explain.

If John bullies Jim, Jim has the right to deliver a swift knee to the nads to John. It does not give Jim the right to shoot Betty in the head.

Does that make sense to you?

So that's why we must take a new tack when dealing with mass shooters like Cho, the Columbine Kids, and all the others.

We don't give them sympathy.

We don't give them respect.

We don't fear them.

That's what they want.

It's the main reason why they did what they do.

It's the pity parties or fits of terrified public hysteria that inspire more shooters than an army of violent movies, video games, or free guns.

People who choose to act out their issues on the innocent deserve only two things:

Mockery and Derision

That's right.

Don't give them what they want, give them shit.

It's what they deserve.

And maybe the public shaming of these rectal pimples will prevent someone doing it in the future, fearful that they will receive in death even worse abuse than what they got in life.


And do the same thing with those terrorists too.

Deep down, they are all the same.

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey

A
MOMENT OF TRUTH
INTERVIEW
WITH
SENATOR HARRY REID


VOX- Welcome everyone. Now you've been subjected to some Paid political announcements from Democrat Majority Leader Harry Reid. Today, Senator Reid announced that he and his minions in congress will pass a bill demanding to start the surrender withdrawal of US troops on October 1st and hopefully have the genocide started within 6 months. And I've convinced Senator Reid to join me to discuss this new development in a Moment of Truth Interview.

REID- I never agreed to one of your Moment of Truth Interviews!

WHIRR!

ZAP!

CLANK!

REID- Let me out of this tube! Let me out!

VOX- I'm afraid you can't come out of the Magical Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth until you have answered some questions. Okay, let's get this interview started. Why do you want the US to withdraw so quickly from Iraq?

REID- Because it looks like the surge is working dammit! And it's only a matter of time before our friends in the media can't ignore it anymore, and that would hurt us.

VOX- Who is this 'us' you're talking about?

REID- Democrats. If this war gets won we can kiss our majority in congress goodbye, and if we lose that, we'll lose all that sweet, sweet money from big business and political action groups.

VOX- So you're willing to humiliate America, embolden jihadis and condemn Iraq to a real civil war, no doubt involving a nuclear Iran to win elections?

REID- Of course. That's the credo of the Democratic Party: Do whatever it takes to win power, no matter how many people it kills. That's why Nancy Pelosi had to go to Syria to screw things up. Lebanese and Syrian pro-democracy forces were starting to get a footing, and they would owe it all to George Bush taking down Saddam Hussein, we can't dare let anyone show democracy is better than tyranny.

VOX- Shouldn't the Democratic Party be supportive of democracy?

REID- We only support democracy when it's corrupt and allows demagogue dictators like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe take over countries and run them into the ground.

VOX- So Democrats support dictatorships?

REID- If it will help us gain seats, definitely.

VOX- What about all the shenanigans with Henry Waxman launching investigations into every time Karl Rove farted?

REID- We also can't allow a Republican administration to function. So we must launch all kinds of pointless and politicized witch hunts to paralyze the government and make the Republicans look bad.

VOX- Wouldn't doing such things during wartime be construed as treason?

REID- Of course it's all treason, but sometimes treason is necessary to seize power. Then we can yank Fox News's broadcasting license and start imposing speech codes on blogs like this. We can't afford having anyone asking us hard questions, it might promote dissent. How can we declare Al Gore President for Life if we allow people to question him?

VOX- Good point. I guess that's all the time we have for now, so I'll see you all later.

REID- Lemme out of this damn tube!

Alec Baldwin's New Book

Parent of the Week Alec Baldwin has a new book coming out. I don't think I'll be buying it...

We Just Keep Losing

EXCERPT FROM
A SPEECH BY
SENATOR
HARRY REID
(D-Never Admit Victory)

The following was taken from a speech given by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at a fund-raiser for Crush America's Spirit, Hope & Integrity Now (CASH-IN) at the Guernica Room in the Generalissimo Hotel-Casino in Las Vegas.

REID-My fellow Demcorats and the rest of you fascist scumbags.

It has come to my attention that the city of Philadelphia has had over 100 murders so far this year.

We have lost Philadelphia and must abandon it immediately.

We have also lost New Orleans, Detroit, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.

They must be abandoned to anarchy, death and violence, as well.

The actions of the municipal governments of these places have made it obvious that victory is impossible. They are doomed to failure because the people who run these cities are corrupt, incompetent, and cannot in any way deal with crime and violence.

That's why we must pull out, and pull out now.

America is defeated and hopefully shall never rise again.

SCHUMER- Great speech, but all those cities are run by Democrats.

REID- Forget what I just said.

We're Losers, Accept It America

A PAID
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT*
BY
SENATOR
HARRY REID
(D-Never Supports USA)

My Fellow Democrats and the rest of you losers.

We have come to a momentous time in American history. A time where we as Americans must accept that we have lost the war in Iraq. Sure, American troops are killing terrorists Iraqi freedom fighters, the democratically elected government of Iraq is still functioning, insurgent leaders are on the run, and the violence is occurring in an ever shrinking area of the country, but America has still lost the war.

Why has America lost?

Because I say so.

Besides, if the mainstream media was to start honestly reporting on the war and how the surge seems to be working, it could lead to a Republican victory in 2008. And if the Republicans win, how can we threaten to pull the broadcast licenses of networks that dare question the Democratic Party and its billionaire masters.

We can't have that.

That's why I must step out of my role as leader of the majority in the Senate and speak out against this war and the democracy that it has created.

Sure, some of you could call it treason, and since it only serves to demoralize the country and embolden the enemy, it probably is.

But it's all for a good cause.

And that cause is a Democrat in the White House and more Democrat seats in the Senate.

So you see, it's worth the national humiliation, the loss of millions of lives from the inevitable Iranian invasion, civil war, genocide and partition of the country.

Come on, what are human lives worth when compared to an increase in the Democrat Senate majority?

Not much in my book.

That's why I will stand alongside my fellow Democrats to make sure the sacrifice of our lost soldiers will be in vain, and laugh as we sit back in our comfy Senate seats and watch the birth of yet another Middle Eastern basket case of a country and even more generations of death and destruction.

That's because we're Democrats and anyone who disagrees with us is evil.

If there was such a thing as evil.

*Brought to you by the Benedict Arnold Foundation, better living through shameless opportunism and treason.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #4

Greeting Vox Poplar fans, it's time again for me to pronounce this week's DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK. Now I can go the obvious route and declare Virginia Tech psycho Cho-Seung-Hui the Douchebag of the Week.

I mean he was a psycho piece of rectal detritus who decided that the best way to deal with stress was to kill a lot of innocent people.

But I'm not the one to do the obvious thing.

Nope. While Cho was a supreme Douchebag, he is still not as much as a Douchebag as this week's winner. He doesn't have the excuse of being mentally deranged, though some will say he is mentally deficient. I'm talking about...

KEITH OLBERMANN

What did Keith do?

Take a look at this clip from his show:




Now take a look at this clip:



Gee, it seems KEITH LIED to make political points and blame the actions of a deranged scumbag on the Bush Administration.

So for that shameless act of sleazy pseudo-journalism you KEITH OLBERMANN are our...

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK!

Response Without Delay

AN EXCERPT FROM THE BLOG OF
ROSIE O'DONNELL
(Queen of The View)

Tom Delay

u suk

rly

how dare u want me fired like Don Imus

4 insulting Asians

4 accusing Bush-Hitler for making 9/11

4 demanding impeachment

u r criminal

sure u wer never convicted

only accused by politically motivated DA

but thats gud enough 4 me


u r gilty

because Democrat say so

u cant get me fired

imus was liberal

but not liberal enough

he picked on hillary

that put him on george soros shit list

he had to go

soros likes me

i stay


but abc say i gotta cut back on impeachment talk

conspiracy theories

& baseless accusations

starting 2 hurt ratings

as soon as they back up

CHING CHONG IMPEACH BUSH CHING CHONG HE DID 9/11 CHING CHONG

Predictions From A Terrible Tragedy...

There's been a terrible mass shooting at Virginia Tech and reports put the death toll at somewhere around 30+ people including the shooter. Now is not exactly a topic suitable for the sort of humor I specialize in, but I do have some predictions.

1. Rosie O'Donnell/Huffington Post/Bill Maher/MSM will somehow blame this tragedy on the Bush administration. Rosie will also claim it as some sort of personal attack on herself.

2. There will be calls for taking guns away from law abiding people, making sure that only scrotes like the shooter in this case can have them.

3. There will be attempts by the press to uncover the motives of the (as of this writing) unidentified shooter, unless he turns out to be a Muslim, then his identity and motivations will be rapidly forgotten.

4. If the shooter turns out to be a Christian, the MSM will cite his religion as his motive.

5. I predict that Democrats will try to make some political capital off the bodies of the victims.

The Poplar Report: Friday the 13th Edition

Good day Mr & Mrs Blogosphere and all her ships in Cyberspace, let's go to press:

DATELINE EGYPT: In keeping with the Islamic tradition of releasing at least one whacky fatwa a week, an Egyptian Imam declared that any marriage where nudity occurred during sexual intercourse is instantly invalid. This latest fatwa reveals the Imam's serious need to 'get some' and his desire to keep anyone else from 'getting some.'

DATELINE LONDON: In keeping with tradition the BBC canceled production of a film about a recent winner of the prestigious Victoria Cross in favor of rampant coverage of Britain's recent humiliation at the hands the mad ayatollahs of Iran. The BBC defended its decision by stating that being Britain's public broadcaster prevented them from producing anything that might be considered 'pro-British,' 'pro-Iraq War,' 'pro-courage,' 'pro-freedom,' or 'pro-democracy,' to avoid offending people like the ones in this picture. Lord knows that we can't offend them.

DATELINE RALEIGH-DURHAM: An ABC Reporter Terry Moran blogged that people shouldn't feel too sorry for the falsely accused Duke U Lacrosse players because they're annoying spoiled frat boys with rich families. Of course he forgot to mention what the 'Dukies' would be called if they didn't have the money to fight the bogus charges and sleazy tactics of DA Nifong: "Prison Bitch."

If I Wasn't A Democrat, I'd Be Screwed.

A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY BY
DUKE LACROSSE
PERSECUTOR
PROSECUTOR
MIKE NIFONG

Hi folks.

As you've probably already heard all the charges against the Duke Lacrosse players have been dropped and I'm looking at getting my ass sued off and possible jail time for all the violations of civil rights, rules of law, and human decency.

So let me get this done right off the bat.

I'm sorry.

No, really I am.

I'm sorry I tried to ruin the lives of three young men, broke countless rules of ethics, and played fast and loose with the legal system.

But it's okay.

I'm a Democrat.

I needed to get myself re-elected instead of losing my position against a more qualified candidate, and being a Democrat that meant I had only one option.

To ruin the lives of three young men through shameless race baiting and civil rights violations.

I really had no choice.


It's just the way I'm wired.

So I ask the families of the young men I terrorized, the cab driver I tried to imprison for giving them an alibi and the voters to whom I lied to with bells on, to forgive me.

Come on. Al Sharpton does what I did all the time, and he's getting his butt kissed on CNN on an hourly basis!

Oh sure, he's just a loudmouth and I violated the oath I swore to uphold the law and all canons of legal ethics... but we're both Democrats!

That's got to mean something.

Maybe Al can get me Don Imus's job?

They seem to do everything he says these days.

What, me sorry?

A
PAID
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY THE
REV. AL SHARPTON

Hello Whitey.

It's me, the Reverend Al Sharpton, uncrowned king of America's black population and I'm here to talk about folks who have the unmitigated gall to dare to criticize me over my campaign to fire liberal radio shock-jock Don Imus.

Don Imus, the worst racist in the history of all humanity, is now saying that I should apologize for my condemnations of the Duke Lacrosse team over what is now known to be a bogus rape charge.

Doesn't he know who I am?

I'M AL SHARPTON BEEOTCH!

That means I can say anything I want against whoever I want, and nobody has the right to criticize me over my inflammatory rhetoric, my lying, my grandstanding, or my ongoing infantalization of African Americans.

Hell, my words, unlike Imus, has ruined lives and gotten innocent people killed, but I just keep getting bigger and more powerful. I can turn a minor lame comment by an aging windbag, that's way gentler than anything coming out of modern rap music, into a national controversy. If that isn't proof that I am destined to be your god on Earth, than I don't know what is.

So you have to remember these simple rules:

-I'm always right. Especially when I'm wrong.

-I can accuse anyone of anything whether it's true or not.

-No matter what, anyone who criticizes me is a filthy racist.

-I'm allowed be anti-Semitic and racist.

Why?

Because...

I'M AL SHARPTON BEEOTCH!

And don't you forget it.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #3

We've got a special edition today of Douchebag of the Week. I'm bestowing the dishonor on two men and one institution for their special and unique brand of douchebaggery.

I'm talking about...

DON IMUS
For showing absolutely no class for his 'nappy headed hos' remark that soured the recent victory of the Rutgers Women's Basketball team. The move has cost him 2 weeks of work and several major sponsors, and it'll cost him a lot more in the inevitable multi-million dollar civil suit.

And to top it all off he's given a truckload of political ammo to our next douchebag of the week.

REV. AL SHARPTONYep, the whole debacle has been a god-send to this professional race-baiter and all-around loudmouth. It's earned him loads of free air time and cemented his position as the self-anointed "Emperor of America's Black People."

Now the media is terrified to question Rev. Al, his background with dubious controversies (Tawana Brawley, anyone) and how he managed to inflate a petty insult to a specific group of women into a national scandal when the women themselves should have just responded by calling Imus a "senile old asshole."

I would also like to add a special dishonor of "Institutional Douchebaggery" to the people who keep this manufactured controversy going.

Yep, I'm talking about...

THE MEDIAThe media has kept this story alive, and on top of the front page so they can avoid reporting on stories like...

Diane Feinstein's recent resignation from an appropriations committee that made her husband millions of dollars

Stories of successful operations in Iraq.

The recent ass-whoopings delivered on the Taliban in Afghanistan by the allies.

or

Anything else that might reflect positively on the Bush Administration.

Congratulations, you are all...

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK

There's Some Scary People Out There.

A

PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT BY
ELISABETH EDWARDS

Spouse of Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards

My fellow Americans.

I'm here to tell you about a group of people that are the root of all that is evil in the world.

Dangerous people whose very existence threatens the existence of everyone on this planet.

I'm not talking about Iran, who is merely developing nuclear power for peaceful means.

Nor am I talking about the practitioners of the Religion of Peace, like Osama Bin Laden and Ayman Al-Zawahiri.

I'm talking about really scary people.

I'm talking about Rednecks.

Yes Rednecks.

People whose small businesses where they work very hard at can be seen from the window of my personal spa, completely harshing the mellow of Tran-Li, my personal masseuse and Gaston my personal aromatherapist.

People who don't have the common decency to spend millions of dollars in property upgrades to fit the atmosphere set by the multi-million dollar mansion next door.

People who think they can do whatever they like on their own property, no matter what the United Nations may think about it.

And the most scary thing of all....

People who aren't afraid to voice their support for a right wing extremist like Rudy Giuliani.

That's more terrifying than an international jihadist movement any day.

Now I've never actually met the neighbor who so embodies these elements of pure terror. But I don't have to, I already know what kind of evil he'd produce, if there really was such a thing as evil.

I choose to judge his book by his cover.

My husband likes to say that there are two Americas, well, I would like to add that we should do everything to keep that other America away from decent liberal and progressive millionaires like me and my family.

I bet that man's also a Christian.

That sort of thing gives me nightmares.

So be afraid America.

Be very afraid.

Fighting Was Not An Option, SINCE WHEN?

A
VIEW FROM THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
by
ADMIRAL HORATIO NELSON

(Former British Naval Commander & Hero of the Battle of Trafalgar)

Salutations to all you good people in the land of the living.

I dare say that I am both shocked and appalled by the behaviour of the lads and lass in Her Majesty's Navy during the whole Iranian kidnapping debacle.

What most outraged me was the declaration by the navy that "Fighting was not an option."

What the bloody hell was that?

Fighting is always an option. Especially when some despotic potentate, drunk on power and madness, engages in a deliberate act of war. If I had been in charge of that British patrol, I'd have sunk those Iranian boats for violating Iraqi waters, lobbed a cannonball into that Ahmadinejad's bedroom window and be home in time for a cup of tea and a good shag with Lady Hamilton.

Of course I'm not part of the modern British navy.


In my day the British Navy was all about victory.


Victory battling piracy, French Imperialism, and slavery.


Nowadays the British Navy is all about budget cuts and a desire to 'avoid escalation' by not defending oneself when attack.


That's not the British Navy I knew.


That's not even the French Navy.


For shame.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #2

For your tireless efforts to cripple America's war effort against international Islamic fascism with pork barrel whoring, shameless grandstanding and endangering the lives of the service men and women who protect you, your willingness to appease any and all dictators, especially when they stand against everything you claim to stand for, and for your wonderful work violating the United States Constitution by starting your own foreign policy.

You Nancy Pelosi are

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK!

These Things I Believe

A PERSONAL

DECLARATION
OF PRINCIPLES
BY
ROSIE O'DONNELL
Host & Master of ABC's The View

These things I believe....

- I believe everything Republicans do is evil. Even when it's something that might save my life.

- I believe 9/11 was a conspiracy between the Bush Administration, Israel, Enron, The Secret Service, The New York Fire Department, and the Scottsdale Arizona Chapter of the Shriners. That's right, I'm on to you, you bastards!

- I believe that surrendering to fascism is the true path to peace.

- I believe that fire cannot melt steel, and that all those people who tell you that the entire steel industry is based on melting steel with fire are damn dirty liars.

- I believe that the greatest threat to democracy are people challenging my political beliefs with facts.

- I believe Christians are brutally murdering teachers for discussing evolution because I saw it on Law & Order.

- I believe that America is the source of all evil in the world because they allow someone like me on TV.

- I believe that not only Bush caused the levies in New Orleans to fail by going back in time to the 1960s and sabotaging the original design, but that he also caused hurricane Katrina to happen through some elaborate weather controlling machine hidden in Karl Rove's basement.

- I believe everything the President of Iran says, because he hates Bush and that makes him right about everything in my book.

- I believe Battlestar Galactica is the real story of mankind's origins.

- I believe that the Columbine Massacre wasn't the violent lashing out of a pair of sociopathic outcasts, but a personal attack against me.

- I believe that Khalid Sheik Mohamed is innocent of planning 9/11 and only confessed because America's fascist stormtroopers were mean to him.

- I believe that all liberal democracies want is never-ending war to feed the bloated faces of the vast neo-con military-industrial complex.

- I believe Al Gore was elected president, no matter what the ballots say.

- I believe that our soldiers overseas should have their right to vote revoked because they spend most of their time in foreign countries.

- I believe that Nancy Pelosi has America's best interests at heart when she violates the constitution to start her own foreign policy with America's enemies.

- I believe Global Warming is caused by George W. Bush, and not the sun, despite the scientific evidence.

- I believe that Hillary Clinton should be named President for Life.

- I believe the Keebler Elves are up to something.

- I believe that Barbara Walters doesn't regret hiring me for The View.

- I believe that I'm going to get my own show.

- I believe Saddam Hussein was misunderstood, and was just a nice guy trying to make peace.

- I believe I am the greatest thing to happen to the planet Earth.

These things I believe.

We Shall Never Surrender, You On The Other Hand...

A SPECIAL
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
EDITORIAL
BY
WINSTON CHURCHILL
Former Prime Minister of Great Britain

Good evening living people of the world.

I speak to you, via this new contraption called a "blog" from beyond the grave, at a very dire time for the land that I love. Sailors and Marines of Her Majesty's Royal Navy are being held hostage by Iran.

Britain is responding to this blatant act of war with....

Pleas for negotiations and sanctions from the United Nations.

BLOODY HELL?

Pardon my rough language, a habit I picked up as 1st Lord of the Admiralty, but I find it very fitting for this situation.

There is only one way to deal with mad dogs like Ahmadinejad, and that is to break out the old Lee Enfield and put a few ounces of hot lead where it would do some good. Preferably right in what the lads these days call Mr. Ahmadinejad's unibrow.

Alas, that is not to be.

You see England is more than just the faded remnant of a once great empire it is a completely neutered state. It is completely devoid of any testicular fortitude.

Britain has no balls.

In my day when faced with terror bombings, the loss of continental Europe, and threats of conquest, the people of Great Britain, a soggy little island at the edge of Europe, looked Adolph Hitler and his Hun Hordes square in their beady little Teutonic eyes and bellowed as loud as we could:

"You have gone too far! You will go no further!"

And we fought back.

And how did we fight back.

The times and especially, the losses, were horrendous.

But we few, we happy few, held our collective head up high, we stood up to evil, and struck a blow for human liberty.

Sadly, the only time any British citizen would dare hold his head up high is to see who is pissing on them and then to ask the pisser if he's comfortable.

I know you're probably expecting something more poetic, but I'm dead, Britain's a mess, and if it wasn't for my blind rage I'd be trapped in the jaws of the black dog from despair.

We promised to fight the enemy on the beaches, to fight them in the fields, in the streets, in our very homes.

Now Englishmen deny the facts of history in order to appease those who seek to dominate and destroy all that generations of free men and women have built.

Teachers are skipping study of the Nazis persecution and wholesale slaughter of Europe's Jewry in order to not offend Moslems who appear to have added Holocaust Denial and Nazism to their Q'uran.

What utter rubbish.

I think teaching children about the Holocaust would be an excellent test. Anyone who claims to being offended by history, would be instantly branded an Islamist Fascist, arrested, smacked vigorously about the head, and sent post-haste by aeroplane to the nearest country where the madness spawned by the denial of history is welcome.

I wouldn't land the plane. I'd just have it crash into one of their holiest buildings, so they can see how they like it.

One cannot appease a madman by becoming mad. That just spurs the original madman to greater heights, or depths, of depravity, until the whole world is not only mad, but burning.

Britain, you have become a nation of lazy, drink-sodden, entitlement obsessed, whiny, weak-willed, spineless eunuchs.

You are attempting to appease Islamic Fascists. Fascist who will not rest until they control every aspect of your lives. Censoring your schools, your music, your books, and your television, denying you the alcohol you love more than liberty itself, and the chance to ogle the pretty young ladies. Then they'll be demanding the deaths of your sons, because they enjoyed boarding school a little too much, if you know what I mean, and murder your daughters for violating some Dark Age tribal honour code that punishes victims for being victims while honouring the guilty.

If was a living man and Britain gave me poison, I would drink it, rather than see the once proud nation debased by the enemies of freedom.

England's dreaming, and it's bloody well time it woke up.