The Truth According To Bill


Hello. It's me, Bill Moyers.

In case you're one of those dim-witted Republican-Christian types who don't know who I am, I used to be a hack for the late President Lyndon Johnson and now I'm the PBS equivalent of herpes, you can never really get rid of me.

I'm here to tell you something very important, in fact the future of democracy depends on it.

Bill O'Reilly eats puppies.

That's right.

He eats puppies.

Cute fluffy puppies.

He eats them alive. Sometimes chewing them, filling the air with their plaintive puppy screams, or swallowing them whole, not unlike some sort of monstrous leviathan that Joseph Campbell would have written about.

Then after the puppies he has chilled baby seal eyes for desert and washes it all down with a tall glass of kitten blood.

Now I know you're saying that I must have proof to make these allegations and I do have proof.

Bill O'Reilly is a conservative.

That's all the proof you really need.

But if you require more convincing then I suggest you click this thing you young people call a LINK. On that video he displays the unbridled audacity of a puppy eating servant of the Bush/Halliburton/Fox/Zionist smear machine by calling me a liar.

All because I happen to accuse him of things that didn't happen and of saying things he didn't say.

That's not lying.

That's called being a good journalist.

Something a smear artist like O'Reilly could never be with all of his incriminating tapes and evidence. He's too hung up facts, like my use of talking points from the George Soros funded group Media Matters.

Well after I forced a foundation to give them half a million dollars I should be getting something back on my investment.

Besides, what should that foundation have spent its money on?

Starving children?


That's why I must tell everyone of the evil Bush/Halliburton/Fox/Zionist smear machine and how it's brutally silencing their critics.

So I beg you to please check the local listings for your government funded PBS station to find my next documentary.

Your life may depend on it.

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