These Things I Believe

A PERSONAL

DECLARATION
OF PRINCIPLES
BY
ROSIE O'DONNELL
Host & Master of ABC's The View

These things I believe....

- I believe everything Republicans do is evil. Even when it's something that might save my life.

- I believe 9/11 was a conspiracy between the Bush Administration, Israel, Enron, The Secret Service, The New York Fire Department, and the Scottsdale Arizona Chapter of the Shriners. That's right, I'm on to you, you bastards!

- I believe that surrendering to fascism is the true path to peace.

- I believe that fire cannot melt steel, and that all those people who tell you that the entire steel industry is based on melting steel with fire are damn dirty liars.

- I believe that the greatest threat to democracy are people challenging my political beliefs with facts.

- I believe Christians are brutally murdering teachers for discussing evolution because I saw it on Law & Order.

- I believe that America is the source of all evil in the world because they allow someone like me on TV.

- I believe that not only Bush caused the levies in New Orleans to fail by going back in time to the 1960s and sabotaging the original design, but that he also caused hurricane Katrina to happen through some elaborate weather controlling machine hidden in Karl Rove's basement.

- I believe everything the President of Iran says, because he hates Bush and that makes him right about everything in my book.

- I believe Battlestar Galactica is the real story of mankind's origins.

- I believe that the Columbine Massacre wasn't the violent lashing out of a pair of sociopathic outcasts, but a personal attack against me.

- I believe that Khalid Sheik Mohamed is innocent of planning 9/11 and only confessed because America's fascist stormtroopers were mean to him.

- I believe that all liberal democracies want is never-ending war to feed the bloated faces of the vast neo-con military-industrial complex.

- I believe Al Gore was elected president, no matter what the ballots say.

- I believe that our soldiers overseas should have their right to vote revoked because they spend most of their time in foreign countries.

- I believe that Nancy Pelosi has America's best interests at heart when she violates the constitution to start her own foreign policy with America's enemies.

- I believe Global Warming is caused by George W. Bush, and not the sun, despite the scientific evidence.

- I believe that Hillary Clinton should be named President for Life.

- I believe the Keebler Elves are up to something.

- I believe that Barbara Walters doesn't regret hiring me for The View.

- I believe that I'm going to get my own show.

- I believe Saddam Hussein was misunderstood, and was just a nice guy trying to make peace.

- I believe I am the greatest thing to happen to the planet Earth.

These things I believe.